View Single Post
Old 02-03-2012, 10:17 PM   #1248
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Complicity

5th chapter in an ongoing work: The plotters plan, and fail miserably

The piece continues to flow well. The evil triumphs again, setting the stage for her continued torment. Pfon from his actions here remains the sadistic little boy ripping the wings off of flies and we don't even have to see what happens to Tamara to know he will enjoy killing her. What will happen next?

Like me, you'll have to wait to find out...

Pick of the Week

Excerpt From A Total Nobody's Life

TSL on Telos: A murderer tries for redemption

The piece is intriguing because I can almost see him doing it. Of course admitting at a yell that you were an assassin for the Sith is not, as Bruce Dern said in Down Periscope, a promotional bell ringer.

KOTOR The Sith Civil War
Exiled Forever

Post KOTOR: The Jedi in the crew now has to face the Sith in combat yet again

Remember to use the proper term. You mop up enemy resistance, not your own surviving fleet. In that case you reform and reconstitute.

Technical note: I don't think the life debt is explored fully, because if is anything like similar oaths here on Earth it cannot be fulfilled without a life long commitment.

Having each of the remaining characters looking at the same situation from their unique views is a technique I use, and this author uses it well. However Jolee's struck an odd chord. As if he is to be the next to fall.

The Return

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile return. But what will they find?

The piece flow well, the guards acting as you would anticipate, and the Jedi as bored as any tourist on an excursion.

How Darth Malak Got His Metal Groove

Pre KOTOR: He lost his jaw how?

The piece was a dueling circle challenge about how Malak lost his jaw entitled Malak and His Removable Chin, and was very amusing. Casting HK in his very first appearance as a mad dentist was funny.

Triple Zero Dside

Set in the Republic Commando Universe: Scenes you didn't see in the book Triple Zero

The piece is a perfect counterpoint to the book mentioned because like a lot of wartime fiction, the book concentrates on the actual combat and barracks situations rather than social interaction. Even clones would need downtime, and seeing hardened troops fighting over food like a bunch of kids in one scene made my day.

Pick of the Week

Auros Sopherai

Post TSL: Another Malak and His Removable Chin entry,

Remember to sight edit. You used weary (tired) instead of wary (Careful). The reason the words lipped through the cracks was because it is in the dictionary of your word processing program.

The piece is a perfect byplay by the accused and the committee, even if it has no actual judicial authority. The pushing him to anger just for a sound byte reminds me of the McCarthy era red 'Witch Hunt' trials.

Revan still comes across as an evil monster, because it was his own version of the Sith teachings that gave Malak the idea that his later actions were acceptable. Under Military law, a superior officer is judged as liable for all atrocities committed by his men, and under those precedents, Revan has admitted to this responsibility, regardless of any acts he undertook to redress it.

I am reminded of the Athenia incident during WWII; the British accused the Germans of sinking the ship. Since the German orders regarding what ships were to be targeted during that war,, those rules communicated to the British before the U Boat war began, it would have been a violation of international law.

The Germans denied it. Yet a few weeks later the U Boat that had sunk it returned from patrol. Instead of admitting it they censured and cashiered the captain secretly, an event that was later used during the Nurnberg trials as an additional crime.


Everyone Has Their Regrets

Post KOTOR: Revan deals with fatherhood, and Bastila's reaction to it.

The phrase 'this Jedi had no inept mission' didn't make sense. Maybe you meant implied, as in people assuming why from his presence.

I think the reason Revan reacted this way was because of Bastila's reaction when she told him. She reacted like a woman already planning to abort the child. The ending was good, in fact except for the one moment of self doubt, it was superb as all of your work has been to date.

Pick of the Week


Post KOTOR: When he can't stay, Revan leaves her with a beautiful memory

I think you meant it as a negative in the sentence 'even knowing that it could (Not) last forever – regardless of what he promised.

The piece is excellent, Bastila remembering the past evening and every beautiful moment, only to have it shattered when he leaves. To quote the title, Perfect.

Pick of the Week.

Tales of a Mandalorian
Malpense the Dark

Mandalorian Wars on Occupied Taris: Canderous spends time in mourning Mando'a Style
Remember to sight edit. Waring slips past the spell checker because it is a company name, the correct word is warring, grabbed (Gripped) instead of gabbed (Ran off at the mouth)
The piece is excellent, making a mere meeting in a cantina part of a death ritual. Canderous reacts so well for a man in mourning; like the Spartans of our own pre-history it is a society that ignores the tears and longing of most societies, it's more that you must prove you still live, an affirmation of life rather than death. It is almost as if he were looking for a woman willing to complete it; someone willing to say by her actions, 'he may be dead, but as long as we, the one who remember his death and I the one who shows life goes on can still live and love, so does he'.
Pick of the Week
What Comes First

Pre KOTOR: As the Master of the Korriban Academy is busy making sure Selene is eliminated, Yuthura has another assignment...

I think you meant replied (answered) instead of relied(depended). This is an editing problem, so it's not a big problem.

The style is what I expect when I see your name as author, and you have never let me down before. I agreed with the previous reviewers that the guilt she expresses is a bit much; as Plutospawn said, it's a short story, and a little bit of spice goes a long way. But beyond that, it's well written as always.

Pick of the Week

Tarnished Gold

Pre KOTOR reply to an Anti-Valentine's day Challenge: Jolee and Nayama fight when she falls to the dark side.

The piece was an excellent little look into the situation. In each case, only love stays their hand, regardless of the doctrinal schism they now have.

Pick of the Week


Two years Post TSL: Revan faces her greatest challenge, how to return to a life she had given up because she expected to die

Technical Note: The idea of a dimensional gate is not new to science fiction, but is to Star Wars. Recently John Ringo in the first book of what is now called the Hedren series has such a gate as you describe being projected across space, but his device has a distance limit on it a lot shorter than what you describe.

When the Prisoner and Dinah Lance (Co-author) show up on the scene, it's like a professional cook showing up to serve you his idea of breakfast, and this work is no exception.

The acrimony between Min (Revan) and the man who is not only Manda'lor but also her estranged husband and father of her child is perfectly done. I could picture a stereotypical Mando'a couple going at it hammer and tongs like these two. In fact in my own Family of Choice I joked about it, that the fights between my main character and her husband had almost become a national spectator sport. But as I would expect with my characters, and these:

The make up sex must be amazing.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,