View Single Post
Old 02-11-2012, 10:41 AM   #1249
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Exchange

Chapter six of an ongoing work: Our abused heroine must try to help her friend, but at what cost?

Like everything so far, this is quality work. In the Sith diatribe at Tamara I can picture the truth of what he says. Like an undercover cop, she would have to walk a very fine line, but you can tell from his response that the only way he would accept is crossing it over and over until distinctions of right and wrong vanish. When does her purpose become theirs?

My only real question is; was it her old master's voice she was hearing originally? Both he and the Sith master spoke mind to mind after all.

Pick of the Week


Casualties of War

Pre KOTOR above an unnamed planet: We look at full day for the Jedi Admiral

The piece is something rare, a slice of life showing the regular routine of our heroine. Well written and understated. Having her call Malak 'Squint' is a nice touch, and an explanation of where she had gotten the mask as well.

Long Day

Three plus years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi returns to his home late

Like the piece before it, this is just a slice of life rather than an adventure. Carth doing his job, Lire (Revan) sitting at home, waiting for him. Simple domestic bliss.

Always By His Jacket

Pre KOTOR: How Carth ended up with that hideous Jacket

The piece is a slice of life like the ones above, this time linking to Carth's jacket. The piece is fun, with a lot of parent related fun.

Pick of the Week


KOTOR unique version: Revan as a thirteen year old?

It reminds me of the Buzz LightYear episode where the team has juvenile evil enemies. The last though by Bastila, that the galxy is doomed, was too choice.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic-Prelude

16 months post KOTOR: As Revan searches the Unknown Regions, and Canderous waits patiently, Bastila tries to get on with her life.

Remember to sight edit; you used there instead of their, and braking instead of breaking. Also, in the sentence, 'It was us that assigned you to the mission.' it should be 'we that assigned.'. Also check punctuation; several times you made statements questions and vice versa.

The piece tended to ramble a bit, and the Darth he finally encounters comes across more as a petulant child.

The Veteran and the Novice

Post TSL: Two men that fell for Jedi meet by chance

Remember to sight edit, because a spell checker will ignore words that are properly spelled, but misplaced. You used surly(Irritated) instead of surely(to be guaranteed)

For some reason I thought it was Atton, especially when you figure most good poker players will pretend they don't know the game, and I am sure Pazaak players are the same.

A clean little slice of life and love.

Pick of the Week

Malak The Untold Story

Pre KOTOR: Lord Voldemort, a pink shaving razor and women's underwear?

The piece goes from point to point so quickly that you are surprised. Adding Lord Voldemort was bit confusing, and the underwear never adequately explained...

Swimming Among the Stars

No Specific Era given: A pair of adventurers accept an assignment

The piece is fun, with two people who aren't tightly wrapped accepting an oddball assignment. The characters are great, the situation a lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Pushed to the Edge of Subtle Irony
Cable Fraga

Pre KOTOR: Revan prepares herself for death, but death is not what happens

The piece had an interesting aspect in that the Council sends what amounts to a hit team to capture Revan. The piece ends on an interesting note, Revan expecting Malak's attack, even welcoming it. Only Bastila stops her from dying, and this begins our adventure.

Tales of KOTOR: Perdition's Path

Pre KOTOR: When Revan falls, she is unwilling to go alone

We see here a truly twisted take on Revan; slaughtering those who fought along side her, and crippling Malak, but making him think the Jedi had done it to him. A good look into a disturbed mind.

Pick of the Week

Her Sacrifice
Kuramas Girl Angel

TSL ongoing: The Exile tries to deal with her emotions

Remember to sight edit, you used walk instead of walked. You also left words out some times 'read mind' at one point, making me wonder if Atton wanted to read (her) mind or to read mind(s).

On the technical level your writing is adequate, and the characters clearly defined. If you need more information on the force go to the Lucasforums overall site, and follow Knights of the Old Republic-Coruscant entertainment center-resource center- thoughts on the Force where I give a generic explanation of how Midi-chlorians are connected to the Force and how the Force operates.

Seven chapter. Only read the first two, but it was looking good.

Bittersweet Victory
Alexandra 3

Originally reviewed over at Kotorfanmedia in July 2007, that review is below:

The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price.

The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them.

One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words.

Reprise Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,