Coruscant Entertainment Center
The Great Purge
100 plus years post TSL: The Jedi step out of character...
The basics are a problem, because as Msficwriter (Who I assume posted the Yes you're right vote in the thread that was deleted) pointed out, you have made the Jedi as bad as the Sith.
Regardless of your argument, remember; the Jedi council did not interfere when Revan led his contingent out to fight. They did not send hit teams to kill him and Malak, and they did not simply assassinate the Exile when She (My own Exile) returned then refused to simply knuckle under. Yet you have them ordering mass murder 'to make sure there is not a third Sith war'. You're Jedi council is using the same rationale a Sith council (If it is not an oxymoron) would use.
Didn't joined neither should be 'joined neither' it should be hid, not hided. You also have your character just sitting around blindly waiting for the hit team to arrive, rather than doing the sensible thing which would be to run like hell when you know they might be coming after you.
I was not going to get into this, but I feel I must.
1)There is no visibly recognizable taint to verify who can and cannot use the Force until you reach the Sith Lord level. Emperor Palpatine was able to work for what amounted to decades within the Senate without detection, and even after killing four Jedi did not show the stereotypical gray skin and red eyes until after his attempt to defeat Master Windu caused him to expend a lot of energy in one shot.
2)Define Force User. You have to remember that while the Jedi order is small, there would be those without enough capability to actually become knights. After all, you have the Conservation Corps. Look at my own Return from Exile
specifically posting 165 where I do a basic dissertation regarding how many nascent Jedi slip through the cracks.
So where do you draw the line? At the 2800 odd count I listed as the high point for 'not good enough', or the 4500+ I say is a Jedi? Those below that level would still be Force users, though on the level of maybe doing a trick or two. They would also end up on your hit parade.
3)So picture this as the scenario using Earth as the planet: in secret session the Supreme Court of the United States determines one small group is a danger that must be destroyed, so they order the CIA to carry out the executions.
Now why did I choose this example? Because like the Supreme Court, the Jedi are part of the judicial
branch, and have no political or military authority. When we see them, (Except for when they go as ambassadors to the Trade Federation and when they were generals during the war) they are an over-glorified RCMP. Every other time you see them they are acting as policemen. I use the CIA as the actual instrument of the purge because while everyone pictures them as a monolithic organization, the CIA does not have hundreds and thousands of hit men on the payroll; they use what are called 'assets' or 'kites', men hired in whatever country to do the dirty work. That includes the US when it comes to being hired.
Also, picture this; on this planet a third of the nations are our allies or friends. Of the rest, another third put up with us because we don't interfere with their actions, and the remainder hate our guts. Do you think Iran or North Korea will welcome your hit teams with open arms? What about Korriban or the Sith Homeworlds?
Yet the Galaxy is divided along about that amount in the SW galaxy. What right would we (The US) have to send hunter-killer teams into say Argentina, which is not an ally, not an enemy, yet does not have an extradition treaty with us? In SW the same could be said of any corporate owned planet or Hutt owned one.
4)Finally, the only Force Users the Jedi could verify to begin your purge would be those that had been identified by the order itself before the purge order is issued, meaning ones they had identified as force users, then turned away because of age or temperament from their own records of the last 90 odd years. In other words your are ordering the deaths of those the order did not consider worthy
of training whether they were informed of this or not.
STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH (Second edition)
100 years post TSL: Events unfold
Characterization is almost nonexistent. There is little or no description. The one possibly good scene you have, when Helena has to give up Christos comes across as wooden, with almost no emotion. Even in the script form you're using, there are ways to show emotion beyond exclamation points.
While you have dialogue for Harr, I am willing to bet that if you read the script of the movies themselves, they would only have dialogue like 'Chewie growls' or in the medbay scene from TESB, 'Chewie gives a series of grunst that sounds like someone laughing'.
If you need, I can give you some pointers in these, since they are technical problems rather than being bad writing.
'I have gone with my friends on a bar' should be 'to' a bar.
You need to work on pacing The battle scenes need more than 'they attack, hero does this, and they die'. You have Christos fall a bit too quickly (Before you comment, that scene was one of three that I failed to believe in ROTS, that he would fall then a scene later have him slaughtering children, and having the Emperor arrive in time to save Anakin from becoming more of a crispy critter).
Plus you're 'we care about the people' from a Sith lord, doesn't quite work.
SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Experiment
Part 7 of an ongoing TOR story: The heroine discovers what the enemy plans for her.
Having been keeping track and enjoying this work, I knew about the enhancement suggested, and when Pfon begins the procedure, I am struck by how he is a mixture of Doctor Mengele and the men from the Manhattan Project.
It is a little known historical fact (Unless you read my KOTOR Excerpts) that before the first atomic bomb was set off, some of the scientists had suggested the theoretical possibility that a nuclear blast could ignite the atmosphere not only there, but world wide. Yet they set it off anyway on 16 July 1945.
Pfon comes across like that. He is indifferent to what will happen beyond seeing what his experiment will do, and whether it kills the heroine or makes her so powerful that she will destroy the Sith is incidental to that equation.
Pick of the Week
Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: The newly born Lord of Hunger bites off more than he can chew.
Even though I was running late, I felt I had to read the entire thing, and I am glad I did. The only negatives I could see was when Vander fell into 'yoda-speak' which the character never did in the game and using prostate instead of prosthesis. After all, the prostate is in another part of the male human body...
Here we have Nihilus literally fed to repletion and more, so he collapses like someone who tried to stuff himself at a buffet, with food being rammed down his throat, overloading him. In my own Return from Exile over at lucasforums I instead made the Exile have a power similar to Nihilus, so that the attempt to feed is rebuffed, then draining him almost to death while taking all he had gained from his crew (Who were all dying from the slow drain) and returning it to them before Visas is allowed to end his misery.
And how Malak lost his jaw in the bargain!
Pick of the Week
The Adventures of Theta 583 the Sarcastic Clone
SW Battlefront parody: What would the characters say on the screen if they could?
You slipped and forgot conversation breaks at one point. Just remember to sight edit.
The piece is satirical and outrageous. The clone complaining every time he gets an order, the pair of additional clones who start with 'we're twins' as if every clone is not a genetic match. Shooting the wrong target because as he points out logically, a spider has eight legs, not four. The really sappy ending. What's not to like?
It reminds me of Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, crossed with a commercial run almost 20 years ago where the character in one of the racing games gets upset with the grandma trying to play it, ending it with, 'and will you turn the turn signal off!'
Pick of the Week
Things That Never Change
Post KOTOR: A dream causes a flashback when Revan awakes.
The piece is short, but fun to read. I just wonder if the commander from her dream had also shown a bare backside to our heroine?
Not Too Amused
KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Dealing with her emotions for Carth, Revan finally breaks through
The piece sort of drifts along, her irritation with Mission at the thoughts she is having amusing the girl immensely. Her burgeoning emotions run head on into the wall of the Jedi beliefs and wins.
TSL on Dantooine: At the last moment, Vrook sees the truth.
The piece is excellent because you look into the hearts of the last three masters facing their old student. As in my own Return from Exile, there is no black hole inside the Exile, rather there is a white hole where the force is created to energize those around her.
Pick of the Week
Star Wars: Lost
Post KOTOR: What would he do if...
The piece comes at you as a surprise. What if Bastila had not been part of the mission, and Revan had gone dark again? What would he do when he kills her?
Questions of the Mind and Soul
KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan now contemplates the path he is on
The piece is almost all deep introspection. In fact the point where it becomes anything else it breaks the concentration as one reviewer warns. However the break works,and flow resumed with only a brief blip.
When He Dreams
KOTOR on Taris: Is it the dream he fears?
The piece makes you wonder if what he 'wakes' up to is the dream he never remembers. Killing Mission is the worst thing Zaalbar can contemplate, and killing her accidentally would make it even worse. A psychologist would call it fear of failure, and as large and strong as he is, it would be a constant worry.
KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The beginning of the Saga
The piece has an interesting take on the first few minutes of the game. Viza (Revan) comes across as a clueless fearful child until she is actually fighting, when she becomes a master of death, yet still with the fearful child face.
Post KOTOR on Telos: Carth has to ask one person if his plans are acceptable, and does so with a letter on a grave
Some people believe you aren't really dead as long a someone remembers you. To Carth, his wife is still there, still vital, and when he decides to ask Revan to marry him, of course he needs her permission. The way he asks, writing a letter and setting it on the grave is touching and poignant.
Pick of the Week
KOTOR aboard Leviathan: An unexpected plot Gizka...
The piece was fun to read, and at one point (When Carth is trying to help the story along by pointing out the space suits) became down right hilarious when instead Tyler (Revan) snags the mines in the room and combines them to blow down a door.
The timing of Carth's betrayal was excellent, since it is the first time he really has a chance to affect the outcome.
Pick of the Week
KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan has problems she must deal with first
Remember to sight edit. You used craw instead of crawl, and trill instead of thrill, betrayal instead of betray.
The piece is a look inside Revan's head as she faces Malak for the last time. She is adamant that she must win, but at the same time she regrets facing him. The end is anticlimactic; she wins the present battle but may lose the war.