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Old 03-03-2012, 03:23 PM   #2
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 512
Current Game: Arcanum
I couldn't help but keep playing Katy Perry's "E.T." on YouTube while reading this story! (LOL) Your characters seem absolutely real to me, instead of "cardboard cutout" Jedi who have no real purpose in the story except to advance the plot. That might not make a lot of sense, but have you ever read a story in which one of the major characters died, and you really didn't care (or only slightly cared)? That's because the character was not well-developed, of the "cutout" variety.

Word usage: "The Cold War has taken its toll," without the apostrophe, would be more correct here. Also, using "kneeled" as the past tense of "kneel" is okay, but I use "knelt" far more often. For me, "knelt" adds a touch of medieval elegance to a space opera based on knights in armor (and lots of futuristic swordplay!)

Your greatest talent here is building up tension between Vexus and Kale. Meaningful dialogue seems to be your strength. More power to you, sir--because Star Wars stories (which are mainly based on action) need more of it, IMHO!

My score: 8/10
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