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Old 03-10-2012, 10:44 AM   #1253
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Revolution

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns

The prologue covered too much. The attack on the Sith lord would have been a story to itself.

The establishing scene was good, but again, you don't need to establish the main characters every time, and the one you do need to establish, Jack, is too quickly done.

The dialogue, especially Jack's to the bartender was unnecessary. You didn't need to have him say they were his quarry.

From there everything is too rushed. Having him say 'Tatooine plan' was cute because it gives Har a reason to get upset for the argument between him and his human partner.

It doesn't make sense that the Exile is still alive and not already a target for the Sith, also why wasn't he eliminated in the purge?

Do something for me, try to do the next one prose style rather than script style. You'll see what I mean if you do.

SWTOR: Tears of the Force

During TOR: A young Knight is sent on a mission

It's a Republic Capital ship. As often as writers use it, having opposing sides actually communicating during a battle is rare. Before, yes. Near the end, sometimes, but when you've already started shooting, no.

'A thin metal stretched its way down from Kale’s ear, stopping just before his chin and a few strands of the cybernetic'. Cybernetic what?

Where did you get this format?
Planet Name: Veloth
Function: Natural Resources (a major crystal cave which holds a special amethyst gem which Vex uses in his reconstructed lightsaber)(1)
Planet Type: Terrestrial(2)
Terrain: Multiple Different types (like Earth)(3)
Gravity: Standard
Atmosphere: Type I (Breathable)(4)
Length of Day: 32 Standard Hours
Length of Year: 456 local days
Hydrosphere: Moderate(5)
Temperature: Temperate(6)
Population: 2 million (native humanoids)

1: There are more than crystals to natural resources. Every metal is a resource. Every building material from crushed rock, to the ingredients for cement to wood is a resource.

2: Saying it's terrestrial links it to our own world as does #3. Since Earth is not part of this galaxy, using it to measure by is like using Minas Tirith to describe New York.

3: Terrain would be varied regardless of the planet. Making an entire planet desert (As they did with Tatooine) yet making it inhabitable really doesn't work. You need something to create and maintain the oxygen cycle. On earth it is the synergistic reaction of plants creating and purifying the oxygen, and animals to create the CO2 that feeds the plants.

4: Does this mean there are barely inhabitable planets as well? Or merely that some require special equipment?

5: What percentage of water to land mass? Earth is not moderate, not with 75% water.

6: No planet is temperate from pole to pole. On earth we go from tropical to temperate to sub arctic to arctic, and have people living in all of them.

Technical note: The Chiss were not contacted until the Imperial Era meaning just before the Battle Of Yavin. So they are shown here just about 3700 years too early.

It is unlikely that a race would have only one sex that could interbreed with other races. It is more likely that there is a social ban on the females interbreeding.

The piece is getting interesting, keep it up.

A Debt Unpaid: Prolouge to Echo of the Force
Ferc Kast

KOTOR prologue: A new adventure

The piece is way too short to get a good grip on where the story is going. Also I have yet to see any Rodian that was not green, you actually repeat that the Rodian is green.

I see it's from a game module, which is interesting. If you need help with the dialogue or with editing such dialogue, let me know.

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: That Which is Sought

Chapter ten and end of this saga: But there will be more...

The piece lived up to my expectations, kid. The problem I see, is that she will probably end up fighting all of the Jedi masters to get to her target, also something ala 24...

Pick of the Week, of course! Also scores best not only for the piece, but the body of work to date.


We All Have a Breaking Point

30 Years Post KOTOR: The tired old woman Revan has become goes on one final adventure alone

Like the piece last week, this one reveals a side of Revan few are willing to show. The Dark, or more accurately semi-dark character has been worn down, and while she's knows it to be true, she hates that it has happened.

Like any person who as they age sees the Reaper not as an enemy but as an old friend who will eventually come calling to bring welcome relief, I understand what she is thinking. Perhaps, in her life, one last adventure can recal that youth.

Pick of the Week

Hidden In Shadows-Chapter one, Endar Spire
Lady Of The Night

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A new take on the heroine

Some chopped off thoughts; 'This was the Republic – every(one) died for each other

The piece shows an interesting take on the character, a totally self centered character thinking only of her survival.

When the Drums Fall Silent. Part 1: An Assassin's Creed

three months post TSL: As two teams of Republic special Ops carry out their assignments, a deeper plot unfolds.

The flow is choppy because you tend to run sentences on rather than complete them. Remember that a sentence doesn't have to tell the reader everything; it's one specific thought. As only one example:

“It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed, which me and Zaalbar are testing.” This should be two sentences; “It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed,(.) Me and Zaalbar are testing (it).” Also remember the rule, 'never use two words when one word will do, and never use a long word when a short one will do'.

The basics are good, and the action, while disjointed is good.

For the Republic Interlude 1: innate
Verna Jast

KOTOR before Endar Spire: As the title says, a look into one of the characters

The piece goes deeper into the past of Trask Ulgo, and is well done as all of Verna's work

Pick of the Week


Two to three years post KOTOR: Carth won't follow her, no matter how much it hurts

The piece is poignant with Carth's loss. As much as he wants to follow, he has his instructions to protect the Republic she wishes to return to.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: The Hunt

Pre KOTOR: The apprentice trained by both Malak and Revan is sent to capture terentatek

Remember to sight edit; you used the wrong word a few times which is why you had clocked figures and doors opened with a his.

Basically the Grand Hunt by the Jedi in reverse; sending someone to find them rather than merely killing them.


Pre TSL: A ship arrives in port, with a crewman with a past...

Remember to sight edit, it is whined not wined, and you slice something into pieces, not splice them. Don't worry too much about it, I do it all the time myself.

Technical note; Please Visit Lucasforums>KOTOR>Coruscant Entertainment Centre> Resource Centre> and read Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! A ship does not have rooms for example, it has compartments.

Most people would be dead after two entire bottles of assorted whiskey alone, and using both alcohol and sleep aids is pretty much a guaranteed suicide.

Also synthehol is a Star Trek item, not a Star Wars one.

The piece was interesting due to the interaction of the crew. The main character from our point of view is slowly killing herself with a combination of drugs and alcohol, and looking into her mind, you can understand why.

Leave her behind

KOTOR On Kashyyk after Leviathan: After abandoning Trix(Revan) on Kashyyk, Carth has to now asked her back aboard

The piece starts with a unique premise so far; What if Carth's anger was so deep he literally abandons her somewhere? Compared to some, where Carth kills her, or she kills herself, it was a unique and fun twist, though the ending needs work.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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