View Single Post
Old 03-13-2012, 01:52 AM   #2
JAvatar80
Rookie
 
JAvatar80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Arizona
Posts: 61
Current Game: The Old Republic....what else?
Not bad. I like how each sentance is a thought, a glimmer into the mind. The format is very appropriate for the thoughts each person is having. There are some tensing mistakes, for example:

At that time, during the Mandalorian war, he didn't called her.

In this sentance, called should be call, or call to. Not enough to detract from the overall experience, but still enough to be noticed.

Still love it though.


JAvatar80 is offline   you may: quote & reply,