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Old 03-16-2012, 11:53 PM   #1259
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Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: Malachor's Revange

90 years post KOTOR II: A Sith master sets up his apprentice

Remember conversation breaks during the comments about what the council had decided you completely forgot them.

Remember to sight edit; you used remember you instead of remind you.

I would suggest Using extra spaces between the paragraphs. I actually reread one section three times before I realized it was because I am used to theo extra spaces. Don't feel to bad about it, Some of my original work got dinged for that very reason way back in the day.

The piece goes pretty well, and there is enough mystery to keep us going. Welcome back.

Thoughts and feelings over the course of time
Revan Sama

Remember to sight edit. In the Exile's section you used corps (a body of men) instead of corpses, then everything was(Should be would) now vanish, To a bit(t)er justice and again later in the Mala portion with 'By the biter lessons called betrayal'. Biter is a term for someone who bites, while bitter (The word you meant) is a taste, feeling or mood.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Second Exchange

Ongoing series set in TOR: The heroine and her associate are sent on a mission.

The author strikes again, and the build up to her mission was choice. If you've seen Schindler's list, there is a shower scene where the terrorized women are jammed into a shower where they... shower. Which I think she might have seen.

Pick Of The Week


One century after the end of TSL: Reprise of Return of the Sith.

The pilot room as you call it is the cockpit.

You do not need to have the characters declaim their mission aloud. After all, it is a bar, and someone might hear you. Remember to sight edit. It's to a bar, not on a bar. And you typed 'ta Sith starfighter fires th' which made me work to figure it out. You character spie (Sees) a temple, not vies (competes).

There have been changes, and I applaud them. However it still needs work. It doesn't flow well as yet.

The Shadow War
R Omega

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor: The final battle is the last memory the Exile has before awakening.

The piece was interesting, the battle well portrayed. The men deciding to stand and die for the success of the mission so well done.

Star Wars The Mandalorian Wars

Eight Years Pre KOTOR: The war begins

The first chapter was basically a reprise of what we know about Dxun, Onderon, and the Mandalorians themselves. But the fun begins in Chapter two. Already 14 chapters long, I wish I had time to read it all.

Shadows and Light The Great Hunt
Darth Brain

The Years after the War of Exar Kun: Three knights begin their hunt

The piece really isn't long enough to get a feel for the story; more of a prologue than anything else.

Die and Stay Dead

KOTOR after Calo Nord's report: Malak broods over the new situation

If you have seen it, this piece reminds me a bit of Hang 'em High where the members of the lynch mob realizes the man they attempted to kill is not only alive but is now actively hunting them. Malak, as with a lot of usurpers, does not find the crown resting comfortably, and just wishes the other person would, in the parlance of the title, just stay dead.

Pick of the Week


The "Last Night"

KOTOR after the Star Forge, follow on to Beyond Light and Darkness: With most of her companions dead thanks to Republic assassins, Revan intends to give her enemy a bloodbath in return

The piece fits so well with it's predecessor; her desire for revenge for the Republic attack masterful. Her and Canderous following the attitude of 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' is perfect.

Pick of the Week


Post TSL: Jedi from both teams now rebuild, but Visas worries about Juhani

Jaina Solo has already made the comments about what needs correcting, but I was struck by the fact that this is a story about the two non-human female Jedi in the group. Visas is intrigued by the delicate balance of Juhani's emotions, and Juhani is intrigued by someone who can not see her, only taste her mind. Very well done.

Two, Break

KOTOR no specific period given: Revan's twin can still look in

Jaina Solo again arrived before I did, but I was looking at the idea of Revan having a twin who can communicate with her mentally. This would cause some unique moments in the game, as the inner voice might be that sister rather than herself

Somewhere Between

Post KOTOR: Revan plans for his own escape

A first work, and it shows. That is not a negative; every author's first work in a genre, especially an existing universe is evident. It is good journeyman like work.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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