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Old 03-31-2012, 08:30 PM   #1262
machievelli
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STAR WARS: THE ADVENTURES OF CHRISTOS AND NICK
Christos200

Ten years post TSL: Two men of prophesy work to save the galaxy.

The desert is called 'the' Sahara. Second, to help your readers, use quotation marks (“”) not <>. Also, remember conversation breaks to also make it easier on the reader. It's hard to keep track of who happens to be talking when you forget them.

It is 'didn't you think, not 'Didn't you thought'; and 'They draw their weapons, not 'They pull out their weapons'. Just out of curiosity why is a modern mercenary using arrows of any type? Except for times when silence is most important, (And you have an archer trained with A Mongolian recurve composite bow, which has the best range) a rifle has a better range than a bow. Also, the bowmen that made that bow famous never attempted to fire them from camel back. They used horses.

Technical note: Remember 'Long ago in a Galaxy far, far away'. Since it was long ago, it can't be happening in present time. Remember my comment PM that the fight scenes are like Hogan's alley? How are the enemy close enough to be killed, and their camels appropriated in the same sentence? Then you throw the smoke grenade (A good move) but then use 'and let the camels to leave' instead of 'frighten' the camels into fleeing.

As often as they throw them in the game, people are more circumspect with grenades of all types in real life. While you see a huge plume of smoke, and limited destruction in a movie or the game, Mr. Grenade is not your friend within 30 meters of where you are standing.

Watch the old Movie Sands of Iwo Jima. In one scene, a man practicing with a frag grenade accidentally drops it behind the dugout. John Wayne tackles a man busy reading a letter from home, and the grenade goes off. The reason I mention the scene is because the director used a live grenade (With plexiglas shielding in front of the camera)and filmed it going off. No massive plume of smoke, just a small burst and a stack of rifles near the stuntmen is slammed aside by shrapnel.

Smoke grenades have been known to set small fires, and the same is true of tear gas grenades; The destruction of the Branch/Davidian compound at Waco was caused by tear gas grenades.

Very important Technical note: In Stargate they showed a teleportation device as you have described (With intergalactic range) but look at the hoops the movie (As much as I hate the technical problems I noticed; such as constellations have changed here in the last ten thousand years, not to mention on the other end as well) they made them go through to find the combination necessary for the transit. Every star in the heavens is moving compared to it's original position after theier formation and they are not all moving away from our present Galactic position. So a constellation we know did not exist ten millennia ago. 'Accidentally' activating' it is like flipping a coin and having it land on edge rather than a face.

I stopped there because there are too many 'impossible' things for the normal acceptable 'one impossibility' to cover.

If we ignore everything I said above, it is an interesting story so far.

Star Wars: A New Hope
Christos200

ANH AU:

It is 'in' her cell where you wrote 'princess Leia is on her cell'. I am not sure what George Lucas defined as a 'legion of stormtroopers' but the Roman version is over 3600 men, too large to drop in anything but a full up combat situation. After all in the Movies, Anakin commanded the 501st Regiment (About 1500 men). A platoon (less than 50 men) makes sense in this case, not almost 4,000.

Technical note: Piet was not made an Admiral until TESB, so he should still be Captain. Also ANH preceded TESB, but you have the battle over Tatooine after Hoth. Also, 22 years after ROTS you have a full fledged Jedi still running around unnoticed. Your reference to Vader being his master makes some sense, but a rebel Sith would be easier to hunt down then a Jedi who is trying to hide.

Last, a single trained Jedi hiding on Hoth would be like trying to hide on a pool table; Yoda was able to hide on Dagobah because there was so much life, he was disguised. Ben was able to hide on Tatooine because Anakin would never have returned there willingly.

Here I have noticed that some of my advice is taking effect.

Fanfiction.net

Choices No One Should Make
Amme Moto

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile reunite

It's standing (in) her way. Don't just trust your spell checker, remember to sight edit. Most grammar mistakes are do to words that will pass it(Like pour) when you mean pore. Remember to polish as you reread. 'refusing for me to look at him' would be smoother as 'refusing to let me look at him', and 'and HK's rambling's(Doesn't need apostrophe) stop' should be stopped.

It was fun when Bao Dur took him out above.

While the game allows you to transit between your location and the ship, it throws you off in a fiction piece.

Bomb Technician
Rogue Leader

Post EU book Triple Zero: The shirt says it all

The piece is very short but the author shoved a lot into it merely from inference. I recently saw a newer version of the shirt logo mentioned, but it read:

EOD BOMB DISPOSAL: IF YOU BOTHERED TO READ THIS AND AREN'T RUNNING TOO, I HOPE YOU DO BETTER IN THE NEXT LIFE.

Pick of the Week

Dark Chronicles
FREAKSHOW1

TSL on Onderon: The Dark Exile collects two more weapons

The piece is very short and dark. Pretty much a Dark Side Exile cleaning up loose ends.

Star Wars KOTOR II Catharsis
Dante-Raven

Approximately a year after TSL: Things are still not corrected.

Sowed, not sewed.

Only read the prologue, but the dark Jedi is excellently portrayed.

Knights of the Old Republic The Mandalorian Wars
Trigun61

Mandalorian War Era: A Jedi Team escapes the initial capture of Taris

remember conversation breaks. It makes the reading less confusing. Also sight edit and use your spell checker; you used fele instead of feel.

The characters are not well fleshed out. Only the main ones comes alive. The enemy, even the surviving one from their encounter is a cardboard cut out. The scene of witnessed mass executions is a little too early to be acceptable.

The Fate of Carth Onasi
Fuzzy Freaker

Three months Post KOTOR: Revan returns to the Rakata homeworld to finish it with Carth

Technical: You misnamed Carth's home planet (Telos, not Taris) and as Han said in ANH It would take thousands of ships to destroy a planet. Though even one can destroy the inhabitants with patience or overwhelming firepower, so Taris would not have been reduced to floating debris.

The piece was confusing in a few ways. First why did the survivors of the fleet hunker down in a location they knew had already been taken once by the natives they fought? If you know your position is indefensible, you don't use it again without working on the defenses you have, and to take it, most of the technical ones would have been destroyed. Second why is the leader the only one out scouting? Last, why was he scouting alone for over a week?

kotorfanmedia

Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps
Back in Blaque

30 years post KOTOR: With Revan dead and the galaxy in a shambles, some few try to survive

The piece is well wrought, the characters vibrant. The idea that the pair of younger woman are Bastila Shan's daughter and granddaughter respectively made me curious as to who the 'Old Coot' might be. One of those works I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

First Impressions
Rina Delwynn

KOTOR On an unnamed ship: Sith hopefuls train against Malak

The piece has darkness interwoven with the hope of redemption.

Choices and Consequences (Part One): Days to Forget
Satiar

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Dealing with the Wookie

Satiar gives us a humorous and dangerous Revan using a grenade which she claims will devastate a two kilometer swatch of forest, then using that to speak to Chuundar.

Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies
Car7hLuvR

One Year post KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: For the first time in a long time, Revan has someone to talk to

The piece is an interesting slice of Revan's quest in the Outer Rim, and well explains how the KK50 series came to be, and where Dustil was at least then. Being together as part of another side mission gives Revan someone she can talk to for the first time in a long time.

Pick of the Week

Change of Plan
Paradox

During the Mandalorian Wars: The secret mastermind behind the wars is given an update.

Remember conversation breaks. It was kind of difficult to keep track of who was talking.

The piece was good in the same way the machinations of Palpatine, always the consummate politician turns out to be the Sith Lord in their midst. It was totally unexpected.

Pick of the Week

Relics Prologue and Part 1
Catiel_Winree

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Told as a story to a grandchild years later, the old woman spins the first webs of the tale we know so well

As another reviewer commented, 'Kitty' sounds very juvenile compared to her partner, and that reviewer's suggestion as to how to repair it was well thought.

This isn't the first story of paired heroes at the start, but it was an interesting version. Considering the size of the escape pods seen in the game and in the animated series, it should have been possible to fit in one more person easily, but that is just a technical observation.

Pick of the Week


Late again. As I mentioned, I had three stories clamoring to be written. I was able to put one off by telling myself I want to read the latest Honor Harrington book because my story is happening in the same months where that one is, and I need some of the data. The second I put aside (Unwillingly on both sides) because I had the one that would put cash in my pockets in a few months. So I completed it and sent it off. Now I'm back to the Devil and her daughter.

So running late and a bit embarassed, here we go...

Over at Fanfiction.net Rogue Leader leads off with Bomb Technician a very funny piece.

Then we have the picks from kotorfanmedia with Car7hLuvR leading with Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies then Paradox with Change of Plan

And our tied Picks of the week: Back in Blaque's Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps and Catiel_Winree's Relics Prologue and Part 1

Well, done for the week, back to the devil...


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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