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Old 04-14-2012, 12:45 AM   #1264
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Star Wars : The Empire Strikes Back (AU)

AU version continuing ANH AU: The attack on Yavin

Remember that I, when speaking about yourself, is always capitalized.

As I told you previously, you do not need to vocalize every comment by Chewie. It isn't something translated except when Han does so. You could merely say 'Chewie roars'.

Your version does not make sense; having Leia merely tell Luke instead of the full briefing cuts out too many pilots, and except for us as the viewer, no one knows Luke's full potential yet.

'My Lord, why you have left the Death Star and took away your entire fleet?'
should be; 'My Lord, why have you left the Death Star and took (Taken) your entire fleet away?'

The end, having Han use a Jedi mind trick makes no sense at all.

You tend to have every one of your main characters chop off not one hand, but both hands before they kill their enemy. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Patriot Games, as often as you have the cowboy hero shooting the gun out of his opponent's hand, only an idiot tries for such a small target. When shooting at someone, (Or using a sword to fight) you aim at center of mass. The only advantage you have with the same scene repeated over and over is that the one who has just lost their hands can say some final words. Not really important to making the scene realistic however. Remember that Gui Gon Jin got his last words, but they were not addressed to Darth Maul.

Technical notes; Considering the capability of the Death Star, a fleet would be redundant. The Death Star is a fleet all by itself, except for covering more than one sector of a target. As you yourself stated, the defenses of the Death Star are optimized for a large force, and it carries fighters primarily for the one threat it is not designed to face; other fighters. The other vessels would not help much in defense.

No matter how good a new student is, he would have trouble holding his own against a master. There is an old saw that the best swordsman doesn't fear the second best; he fears the novice that has never held a sword before; no one knows what that idiot might do. Against two, he would have no chance at all. Having Luke (Who has been using the force for less than a week) throwing force lightning is also absurd.

The piece makes little or no sense. It is AU because you say so, but the story does not hold together consistently. Try blocking out from start to finish with an outline. Look at my two most recent offering, and notice that I leave nothing uncovered. I may write flow of consciousness, but the stories are consistent with no threads to pull on.

Keep trying.

Star Wars: Mercenaries

AU on Bespin: Luke's journey continues.

Luke is not qualified to be called a Jedi. It's like he's gone through a week of boot camp (Usually eight weeks) and is now claiming to be a trained soldier. Also 'Jedi' is as much an ideal as title. I lambasted the movie A Knight's Tale, where a stable hand pretends to be a knight primarily because it was about as believable. You don't become a knight by saying you are, and the same is true of a Jedi.

'I've been said that you are a mercenary' Should be 'I've been told that you are a mercenary'. I know English is a second language for you; have you asked anyone to Beta for you?' If you did minor mistakes as above would stop.

As I told you before, when using quotes stop using < and > the correct characters are ' and “. And where it was used with steal, suggests you're using a word that is not specified, such as a mobster saying 'whack' or 'bump' instead of kill. So you aren't 'appropriating' a ship, you are actually stealing it. As for using it when he chooses his nickname you again do not need them.

As I also said before, you are not going to be announcing 'we're pirates' in a bar, no matter how disreputable. Remember that piracy is a crime usually punishable by death, so you are not going to announce something that is punishable by death even amongst criminals. It didn't make sense when Lucas used it in Star Wars, and it doesn't make sense here. Crooks can have a number of their sins written off by turning you in. When it comes to criminals ratting out someone else, it's the number 3 cause of capture. Remember in Star Wars someone reported Luke and the droids, and that same person would have reported your guy with the Death Mark on twelve systems at the same time.

Losing Sleep
Y St Ace

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton wonders if he's lost his edge

The piece is generic, but the question raised remains. How is it that the Twin sun are 'killed' in the cantina, but alive when you fight your way off GOTO's ship? Knowing this before I wrote the scene I merely had my Atton beat them unconscious rather than cut their throats when he had them down. However in an RPG, you don't have such an option

Y St Ace

TSL on Onderon: The first meeting with Kavar since the Exile does not go well

The piece is completely dark, and the end merely drives it home. This Exile isn't coming back to the light.

Y St Ace

Post KOTOR aboard Star Forge: He came that close...

The piece is a dark side alternate ending that gives you a feeling that it could have ended better. Carth is tormented by the pain of others as Revan systematically shreds everything away from him. Her reasoning is simple, he is the one thing that could have caused her return to power to fail, and she will not forgive him that.

Pick of the Week

A War of Jedi

No era given: Two Padawan go through training and into their first assignments

You don't seem to know much about ships. Over at Lucasforums I wrote a piece on ship nomenclature, please read it. One example, ground is where you have soil under you, not on a ship. That would be the deck.

The piece is basically a generic 'first mission goes bad story. The characters are lackluster, needing fleshing out.


KOTOR on Kashyyk: Revan and Carth speak after their battles on the planet

The piece is interesting and well wrought, but a bit confusing. Why spend a romantic evening with one man, but sleep peacefully with another?

Weakening Walls

Enroute to the Second Star Map: Revan's dreams are coming apace, and Bastila needs a back up plan

The piece is an excellent piece of work, primarily because the memory doesn't really link to the present, which makes it that much more jarring. The bleeding from the nose and eyes seems more linked to the movie Scanners.

Pick of the Week


What is Love?

KOTOR and pre KOTOR: A hard question to answer

Split into vignettes through her life, Revan wonders what love is. As someone who is to avoid entanglements, then sees them as more of a hindrance when she becomes Sith, she finally finds that love like anything linked to passion, must be tempered.

Incantation: Movement One

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Amango (Revan) has memory issues, and ends up discussing them with Trask and Carth

The piece is almost all dialog, and a bit confusing. We see Carth in full distrust mode because this woman who doesn't even know who Bastila is the link to his own conspiracy theory.

Upon the Revanchist - Part I

Pre KOTOR: In the midst of battle, Revan feels Bastila's approach

The piece is a softly paced number, like watching a cat's tail as she prepares to spring. You know Revan is ready for the confrontation, and his words with Malak lets you know that he already expects treachery.

Bells For Her
Mister Buch

KOTOR on Manaan: Jolee watches the fall of a Jedi, and grieves

The piece is very moving, Jolee merely an observer of what he know will occur. While I didn't like the characterization that someone who uses a saber-staff as a coward bothered me. Both my Revan and Exile used the saber staff, and Atton's comment about them was balanced by my own Exile's comment:

“I know that a lot of guardians got into the saber staff right before the war ended. More slaughter for the slash, or something.” Answered by:

“Those who carry a saber staff have to learn a lot of fine motor control the others do not. It isn’t like a single, where you can whip it through a series of cuts in your sleep, or like a pair where both arms move independently, but power strokes are done with both blades simultaneously. Both arms have to move in a precise and clear rhythm and just breathing the wrong way when you’re learning can hurt. Believe me, I know. You learn to use your entire body fighting with a saber staff. The all of seventy-five of us, about one half of a percent that used the saber staff during the Mandalorian wars were in the forefront because of the need for rapid punching of holes in the Mandalorian defenses. There, all you ever need to know about why someone chooses a weapon in one neat wrapped with a bow package.”

But the idea that Jolee can do nothing to stop it bothers me even more, though calling it 'turning' does make more sense.

Pick of the Week

Phantom of the Enclave

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A secretive man stalks the Enclave...

Really an interesting premise. The idea that someone can hide within the Enclave, noticed by only two people, and impinges on both their lives is an intriguing concept.

That Hurt, I Bet
Mister Buch

Memories, and on the Ebon Hawk Enroute to Korriban: Revan find trouble separating himself from the implanted memories.

The piece reminds me of an old Movie of the Week, Welcome Home, Johnny Bristol, because of the psychological depths to it. In that film, a returning Vietnam Era POW believes that his home town has somehow been destroyed and the facts concealed due to a major government cover up. If you have seen the movie, you know exactly what I mean. However, if you have not, let me know if you find a copy on DVD, since I haven't seen it since it was released in 1972. If you have and don't remember, does the name Charles Vermont ring any bells?

The plaintive question to Juhani, 'is Revan his first or last name' shows the only real angst; who was he before?

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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