View Single Post
Old 05-06-2012, 01:13 AM   #1271
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
A second week unable to access my posting page for, so I am seriously frustrated. When I can post there, I will until then...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center we have MsFicwriter scoring with SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis

Over at kotorfanmedia we have PersephoneWatching scoring three times with Bitter, Burdens which scored best of the week along with HK46 SaturdayInAugust scored a pick for Calling in sick, while LightBulb scored for a ties with the works above for Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers

Well another week down, so back to real life. Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Betrayal on Besbin

AU During part of TESB: The crew of the Millennium Falcon heads to Bespin to rescue Luke

First, the planet is named Bespin, not Besbin. As I said in an earlier review, have someone beta read your work for errors caused by English being a second language; 'What do we wait?' should be 'Why the wait', or “What's the delay'. 'before some time' should be 'some time ago'

The part where Vader is going over what he intends for Luke should have ended after the first sentence at 'or his friends will die'. Everything after that is obvious and redundant.

Technical Note: A man with a light saber is not going to stand fast and take on a mass of men hand to hand, primarily because the troops would not attack that way until there is no alternative. Stormtroopers or not, they are going to hang back and simply blast him from a distance. Merely running, dodging and doubling back would keep them at more than arms length for hours.

Also, Bespin is described, and in the movie is seen as a small settlement. I would estimate that it would have held less than 5,000 people. Yet you dumped four legions, which is a lot more than that (If Legion means the old Roman unit, you're talking 14,400 men). You'd have them literally in each other's way, unable to deploy or move effectively.

Of all the Jedi attacked after general order 66 was issued, the only one stuck in a situation like you describe was Yoda, who survived.

Your writing style is hard slogging. Between scenes that make no sense and misuse of the language, you're taking a river that should flow easily, and creating white water for no reason.

Star Wars: Revolution(Second Edition)

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns (Redux)

Having Jack speak, again, is redundant. In real life, the boy would have walked in, looked around, seen Xin, and merely walked over. Vocalizing that this is who he seeks is unnecessary. Also when the bartender gives the warning, all he had to shout was 'Troopers!' rather than his rather calm, 'It seems' line.

This is Star Wars, not a Martial Arts anime, so you don't have to shout out your attacks. Again you have someone using a lightsaber with no prior training (Blocking shots at him) yet with the skill you would anticipate from someone who has been trained. It would have been unbelievable in the Cantina scene on Tatooine in ANH If Luke did it, and it is unbelievable now.

Hiding behind a table from something like a plasma grenade is like using a paper shield in a sword fight. Having him dive out a window just before it goes off makes more sense.

Having Xin literally waste screen time giving the entire backstory doesn't make sense; it is unlikely that all of the Troopers were killed, and they would be in pursuit. All his long speech did was allow the troopers to attack them on the ground.

You do not 'do' a coup, you pull off one or instigate one. And the idea of breaking up the Republic army makes more sense that keeping a standing Federal army without having an obvious enemy to fight. The Republic is closer to the old US under the Articles of Confederation than to the modern US. Under those rules, the Federal government did not have an army, it depended on the member States calling up their militias to fight.

There would be thousands of, not thousand rakghouls. The city was destroyed (by) the sith. Your wording implies the Sith were destroyed at the same time.

Your method of giving directions would not make sense unless both of the people involved were in a town they knew well. In a real life combat situation, you would merely point and say, 'go on top of that building, and use that cannon to fire on the enemy outside that building so we can load up on fuel'. Also, since fuel is not just a token you can pick up in the game and carry with you, you would move the ship to the fuel, not the other way around.

If you are going to write it in script style, use all of it. You don't just put in Alderaan and go on with the scene, you would put in 'Cut to:' to show a scene change. Read that script I sent you for proper usage.

Having a man jump from one ship to another in space traveling at several hundred kilometers per hour? I won't even go there. It was hard enough to believe Luke jumped from one speeder bike to another.

'Lando: That can be arranged. Xin and Jack go at the base' should be separated; Lando's comment is dialogue, Xin and Jack's actions are background movement.

'You must use it wise' should be 'You must use it wisely'.

'even the armies of Revan, before one hundred years, were slain' Should be 'even the armies of Revan, a century ago, were slain'.

Technical note: Before TESB you do not see a starfighter with an internal hyper drive engine; even in AOTC they are still using hyper rings, and that is 3800 years in the future. You would have to dispatch a ship to carry the fighters to their destination.

As all of the people who work for the Emperor are Sith, you don't need to say they are in Sith uniform. Only mention it is the uniform is different, I.E. a mixed group of officers from different forces.

The holocron has to speak a language he understands for the character to feel anything but confusion. The medallion making him decide to carry it away is contrived. If it is the medallion in question, there should be a way to tell beyond the Exile's 'I think'.

You have HK acting like C3P0 from the original series. The two are not compatible, no matter how often you hear him called a protocol droid. I cannot picture HK passing the canapes instead of merely blowing everyone around him to hell, yet I can picture C3P0 doing it without a problem.

Killing all of the natives is not a logical option for Jedi. Remember Luke using the Force to convince the Ewoks not to fight them.

Differentiating between which target is yours is redundant; Picture the Millennium Falcon. There is an area of about 160 degrees where the upper cannon are unable to engage a target . In the EU, Han Solo called the 40 degree section above and below the center line the 'sweet spot' assigning more points (When he and Chewie had to man the turrets) to targets below or above the center line.

The scene where the enemy ship catches the Ebon Hawk with a tractor beam is almost a scene for scene rip off of ANH. In one of the Eu books, Luke Skywalker used a proton torpedo to blow the tractor beam up, and in another Han Solo uses a mock up of a larger CEC ship which the Falcon is hidden in to distract the tractor beam crew long enough to escape. Another time Han dumped a cargo of grain.

Without cloning, you can't have Helena still be alive without more explanation than has been given. i.e., the Darth stabbing her below the heart, and getting her to medical attention, though you would then have to explain how she had been brainwashed.

The piece like a lot of your works I have read, has too many problems to be accepted as written.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis

Star Wars TOR Part Four of an ongoing work: While still worried about detection, our heroes accept the procedure.

I have been awaiting this update, worried that my last review had stymied the author. It's good to see I was wrong, and the explanations of how this procedure would pass the test I mentioned was superbly done. Well worth the wait.

Pick of the Week



KOTOR on Korriban: The reunion between the Onasi family gets off to a bad start

The piece was short, which bothered me. I had been drawn in like a fish looking at the bait on the hook when suddenly the fisherman pulled it back up out of my reach. The idea of the one small memento that constantly reminds him of that hell was choice

I wanted more!

Pick of the Week


12 years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi has an unexpected visitor

The piece is short and poignant. I agree with Kiraboros that it can be fleshed out, but if it were a meal this would be the perfectly grilled steak.

Pick of the Week

Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers

approximately 18 years Post KOTOR: A ship crashes with an unexpected guest

Technical note: A scanning officer whether he is using radar or sonar would not imagine where a vessel is, he would estimate it. No biggie.

The piece was well done, the idea that Dustil would reach master status logical. The only unanswered question (Which I hope would be answered in later chapters) is who the girl is. Considering Bastila's enigmatic 'you're involved' to Carth, I would assume this is a daughter he never knew he had. This is one of those pieces that makes me wish I could read all of the follow on posts.

Pick of the Week


2 years Post KOTOR: I didn't think it was that bad at first...

After the buildup, the piece rather let me down. Of course Carth was probably off on assignment when Morgana went through it, but Mission is a street kid, and I would have expected her to identify the cause.


Pre KOTOR: So that's why it's HK 47!

The piece as others pointed out is reminiscent of the scene from Frankenstein when the monster is brought to life. His mental comment after removing, Malak's jaw, is pure choice.

Very fun.

Pick of the Week

Calling in sick

KOTOR on Tatooine: Always read the label when you take medicine...

The piece is a riot of fun. A cold sweeping through the ship, misusing the medicine for it, Gizka, and Mission's love of at least one of them. The end with everyone else catching the cold was perfect.

Pick of the Week,

I Will Carry You
Fall Out Guirl

TSL on Malachor V: Atton finally admits his feelings

A surprising end, considering both their reactions in the game

A Time in the Sun
Candace McPenguin

Post KOTOR on Lehon: Bastila needs help healing her pain

The piece dragged a bit at the start, but it picked up when Mical entered the scene. Having Mical make a guest appearance as a Medic who is drawn to Bastila to aid her healing and how he helped her was fun.

For Loving You
Darth Franky

Post KOTOR: Bastila has to deal with Revan's departure

The piece was too short to get a good feel for the story, though her heartbreak came through very well.

No Time To Rest

KOTOR over Rakata Prime: The Ebon Hawk fights for her life

The piece was short, and confusing. The lead up to the battle scene made little sense, and the delay in manning the weapons even less.

Epilogue to Redemption
Rian Sage

Post TSL: Answer to an interesting challenge

The Challenge was a romance, but it couldn't be with someone on the ship with the character during the game. The author got around it by having Revan and Atton fall in love, though the build up implies that it is only a cover for a mission. The explanation as to why the most common link ups, Carth and Revan, Atton and the Exile did not come about was merely tossed out rather than explored in detail.

Atton's worst nightmare
The Penguin Squad

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton has a seriously off day

The piece is light, and unfortunately was not as amusing as the author might have hoped. Still haven't figured out where dancing with squirrels had to do with it...

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,