View Single Post
Old 05-19-2012, 09:57 PM   #1273
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Running late, and still unable to either get into the SWK site to post, or contact an admin that can help. At my wit's end. But I'm plugging along...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center MsFicwriter scores a pick and a tie for best with
SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!

Over at kotorfanmedia Ajrand scored a pick for
In the Wake

And finally over at Sakura395 scores a pick and the tie for Best with Across Generations
followed by CyberneticMagician's highly amusing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Light Side

Well, back to the grind...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!

SW: TOR on Coruscant: Part six of the ongoing epic, Things begin to happen rapidly. What will the hero do now?

The piece keeps flowing well, and plot twists abound. The 'candidate' suggesting a legal system spanning every planet actually makes some sense. However one technical point, Tatooine is not listed as a member planet; it's a wholly owned planet by the Hutt clans according to everything I have read.

Can't wait to see what is next.

Pick of the Week

Jedi Hunter

AU 28 years after ROTJ: A shadowy figure hunts the Jedi

It starts off like the typical horror movie; two people minding their own business when the attack comes, but there it stops making sense. First, smoke doesn't just appear. It could be a mind trick of of some kind, but if it were, it is unlikely that the older Jedi had never heard of the possibility such a thing. Your characters do not act typically; a couple of drinks is not going to stop them from readying their weapons for example. They come across as confused. In every case in every movie where you have Jedi, it is an almost instinctive reaction to at least reach for their lightsabers.

Remember that with your style you're writing a script. To describe the scene you have here, what you could have done, since you're not showing either the killer or the weapon, what would have done it without Force powers being mentioned is:

Ted (The unnamed Younger Jedi) scans the smoke nervously. A shape flashes between the camera and him, and when it is gone, Ted now looks shocked. He looks down at a wound in his chest, then falls forward.

Even here, you remaining Jedi doesn't draw his weapon. Why? And there is no need (And no sense) for him to speak aloud. Again, look at this scene instead:

Fred (Survivor) ignites his lightsaber, looking left and right cautiously. He pauses, and turns just a little toward his left. As he does, the shadowy figure appears to his right and behind.

Again, you had no weapon seen. So we don't know what the killer is using. If it were a simple blade, it would be a flash as light reflects from it. A vibroblade would have a whining sound, and a lightsaber would have the snap hiss of ignition.

Your killer's lair sounds like the movie versions of the Batcave from the older movies. Since it is a secret location, this is understandable, but having a verbal password is an antique. It would be easier to have an optical scanner for the eye or hand.

“Before two day' should be 'two days ago', just as 'Before three years' should be 'Three years ago'. As for the report of Nilas' death, 'dead here and 2 days' should be 'He's been dead for two days. 'Other eleven remain' should be 'That just leaves the other eleven'. As I have said before, get someone to beta your work to avoid improper language usage.

Having the man in the security room offer a Jedi youngling a dime makes no sense, since he could just as easily use his own com panel to call Skywalker. The scene is reminiscent of the Movie Tora, Tora,Tora! Where the telegraph operator in Hawaii just puts the warning in the stack of outgoing telegrams to Fort Shafter because the sending agency forgot to mark it urgent or as the military uses, OPERATION IMMEDIATE.

In the scene inside Katan's room you finally explain the smoke from previously, but again your Jedi goes into it dumb as a post; not readying himself for combat, just standing there stupid.

As for the report of Nilas' death, why is Luke wasting time even listening to it? He just saw the dead man a few moments before. The entire scene is contrived. Look at this:

Luke rushing toward Katan's room. Hunter, disguised as Nilas steps aside as Luke rushes past him.

Also, unless it is the under levels of the city-planet, there is nowhere a body is going to lay for days without being reported. Even there it would have been stripped of anything of value within hours.

Technical note: When you write, assume your reader has never played a game. It may sound stupid, but if you read my books I never use different Force powers from the game by name. When I used the equivalent of Force Speed in my Return From Exile, I merely had the observer see the Jedi start to run forward, then suddenly reappear further on than would be natural. In Republic Dawn I had Breia Solo use Force Lightning, but just had her grab something, and had electricity arc through it.

In dealing with the computer, your initial question is too broad. Think about a master computer somewhere, and you ask it for information about say Jesus Christ. The smallest amount of Data you would get that is full Data on the subject (Without Miracles) is what I call the Police Report on Jesus in the book, The Word where it is a bare bones recitation about his birth and early years, then an in depth look at his actions for the last two years (The period when he gathered the disciples and preached up to his arrest and execution). For a man in his fifties, the computers answer to your question would, in other words, cover almost two and a half pages.

Remember, except when they make the computer sentient, they are literal constructs. It would have made more sense to limit the question to present location, or have the computer itself ask for exactly what answer you seek.

As for the Face Spray, it neatly explains why the killer got the blood sample, but you should know if the computer has the capability, rather than ask it. Also, instead of having the man say out loud or think what it does, it would be better, again, to have the computer give him the warning so we, the viewer/reader, know.

Unless your computer is linked to the system in the Jedi temple, there is no way it is going to introduce a virus into their system without your killer carrying in some storage media for it. Even the most rinkydink net based company has security software to stop attempts to insert virii from outside. Unless your computer is superior to theirs, it would not succeed. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Also, since the computer doesn't have a face, you don't need a holo- projector/receiver. The scene would have been better this way:

Hunter stops at a com panel, setting his comlink against it. There is a beep, and he punches some buttons, which is answered by another beep. He removes the comlink, returning it to his robe. Now we the audience do not know what has happened yet, but in a following scene;
Hunter touches the com panel button.

Cut to security camera view of hall. Suddenly the screen fuzzes.

Except for that above, the piece was pretty good.


In the Wake

Five years Post KOTOR: Who is this woman, and is she enemy or ally?

The piece is well done. Revan is sick of her quest, just wanting it to be over. The confrontation is well done, and the end surprising enough that I want more.

Pick of the Week

Leaving Taris

KOTOR Post-Taris: A freshly created 'Revan' deals with planet wide destruction

The piece is interesting because the named character reacted in a manner reminiscent of ANH when Obi Wan reacts to the still distant destruction of Alderaan.

Perhaps distance causes the effects to be less, but we don't have enough evidence...

Technical note; As one author said, men who went to sea immediately created their own jargon to differentiate themselves from the local landsmen. Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. A ship does not have halls, it has passageways or companion ways; differentiated by a passageway is room to move, while a companionway is large enough for two or more.

A well done view of the effects with a slower attack than we saw with Alderaan.

When Saving the Universe is your Only Option

Pre KOTOR On Coruscant: The crew is not complete yet...

The piece is a drawn out version of the intro, but it's excellently done; we have a better view of the character and her background.

Technical note; you would not reapply a hood, you would pull it back into position.

The piece is worth a look.


KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Juhani watches the one she cares about

Once you forgot a word; 'Then you don't get confused (by) the lies everyone uses to protect themselves,'. no biggie, I do it all the time. Just remember to sight edit before posting.

The piece is just a slice of life. Juhani watching through the Force as Liah (Revan) interacts with the crew. Juhani is obsessing not only on the woman, but the situation they are steering into.

Birth of the Shadow

The piece reaches into both characters, seeing as the Echani do, the inner workings of the heart through combat. A well done use of the Echani ways.

Shadows of a Nonexistant Past

Two Years Post KOTOR: Revan still searches for a past that might never have been

An interesting take on the subject of Revan trying to find whose memories he has. No matter how he searches, he can find no clue as to the people that were supposed to be the parents of his present identity. Was it all an elaborate drama created just to link his mind to? But, there is still Coruscant to check...

Tales of KOTOR: The World's Cry

Pre KOTOR: He goes because he must, and a vision decides that

The piece is an interesting take on the Exile's capabilities. It would make sense that someone capable of making easy bonds through the Force to others might have a better feel for it than others. That such a bond, through others, would make them more susceptible to feeling the pain around that person. An interesting view, go to war to ease the pain.

the adventures of shada montrim: the shadow killer

Some time after ROTJ: A Sith Apprentice plots his escape to freedom

Some cumbersome sentences; for example, this would be a better wording, 'were in his range {were} had (suffered) similar fates' with the second were removed and suffered used instead.'Suddenly the animals started to converge on him before he could {realize} (recognize their} unnatural behavior'. 'lord would not be able to see what he would have {to do} the minion (do).'

Some improper word usage; died(Expired) rather than dyed(tinted), tuff (Slang) instead of tough, enhances (Makes) instead of enhancement (The act of enhancing), there (location) instead of their (Personal), thrown (Hurled) instead of Throne (seat)

Some forgotten or extraneous words; 'For the next two,' (What, hours, days?) Probably hours by context, but the reader has to interpolate the answer. 'The creatures seemed relentless in their,' (What? Purpose? Mission?). 'he felt the (felt ?) all around him'. Felt what? "Yeah, because I never (Fail to) complete a mission", 'rolling out of (range?)', 'Reaching into (to) the walls' Our job, as author is to create a verbal landscape and portrait to save them that trouble.

Remember conversation breaks. Picture a river; it follows the path of least resistance to it's goal, and conversation breaks are the banks of that river. Again, you're making it harder on the readers by making them back track to see who is talking.

Remember tenses. You went from past to present tense after the fight with the dragon literally in the middle of a paragraph. Again in the fight with the lord, you have the lightsaber absorb the energy in the present tense while the paragraph is past tense, then have the lord prepare for a lightsaber battle again in present tense. Tenses keep the story flowing in a clearly understandable form for the reader; if you keep shifting them, they get frustrated.

Remember proper terminology; a ship has a hatch, not a door.

The use of the Character Nightcrawler from the Marvel Universe to base this on is not a big problem; statistically with the one hundred million odd worlds in the Republic there could easily be such a race, though giving his race the same teleporting power and disappearing in a shadow would be a bit much. Also, if I remember the character right, he can only 'port' to somewhere he has been before or can see. In the books, I only remember one time he did a blind port, that was straight up about a thousand feet.

Using his tail to hold a weapon makes little sense, a monkey's tail is prehensile, but while it can use it to hang, it doesn't pick things up with it.

I am not sure if the author is ESL or not. Some terminology, such as improper tenses can be explained if the author were say, Chinese.

Technical note: A Tie defender carries only four missiles, not ten. The additions made were in a way logical, but it's like taking a stock fighter, say a F14 Tomcat, and adding about a third again it's standard payload what with mines and a minelaying rail and more firepower such as extra cannon, both laser and ion. I would wonder where you have space for a pilot in the ship you described.

The piece, while frustrating and confusing was actually quite good.

KOTOR Pursuit and Revenge

Pre-KOTOR AU:What if Revan had not been captured?

The piece was interesting, but appeared more like a reprise of the fight through the Star Forge without facing droids as well. Her flight rather than complete the confrontation was a bit odd to me, and that she was able to flee without being fired upon by the ship a bit confusing.

Technical note: While Star Trek and Star Wars has ships close together, (Such as the Battle of Endor when the capital ships look like sailing ships duking it out) this is a visual effect that makes it easier for the audience to understand, not real life. At one point in an Episode of TNG they had a Klingon Vessel facing off with the Enterprise D at what looks like docking range yet the Security officer reports that it is at a range of 500 kilometers. To give you an idea, this means the Enterprise is over Los Angeles California, while the Klingon is above San Francisco. They would not need to close in as close as you describe.

I didn't have enough time to read beyond the first chapter, but I wish I could have.

Across Generations

19 years post KOTOR: A young Padawan hears about her parents for the first time...

Chapter 1 was a bit short and quite good, but unfortunately I don't have time to go on to the others. The only quibble I have is that Master Vrook, who died in K2 is here in this one.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: The Chronicles of Seth Ravenworth

Set after Jedi Academy: Jaden gets some new apprentices.

Remember conversation breaks. The reader gets confused if he has to back track and keep track of who is speaking.

The correct term when C3P0 is speaking is human/cyborg relations.

The piece is almost a remake of the game mentioned above. The two apprentices spar when their sabers are built (Remember that Jaden should have made sure the sabers were set to the low powered setting) and start fighting for real when one student loses his temper.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Light Side

The piece made me laugh, which, considering the last week, was a help. The biplay reminds me of the snappy dialogue from Teen Age Mutant Ninja Turtles, with:

“Shishkabobs!" shrieked Yehoshua .

He continued to stab the sith until they were all dead.

"Dang man, how can six men fit on two swords?" asked Trask.

A fun read

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,