Now coming up on a month since I have been unable to access the login page for SWK. I have tried to contact the mods, but no joy, and don't know who to contact outside of the Site itelf. If anyone can help, I would appreciate it.
As you have no doubt noticed, I have been tacking my 'Critic's Return' column onto the top of these postings so at least you will know if you got a best when I gave it.
So let's get to it...
Over at Fanfiction.net
TaelynHawker got a best for
followed by Amma Moto for The Phantom Menace
, and A Man Named Fearless scored with Take Care of Her
Over at kotorfanmedia
Samuraibrarian scored with On the Unknown Island
but Mister Buch achieved best of the week for the dark Of the Fall
Well back to the grind. Working on the two works you've seen, and three that will pay if I finish them.
Coruscant Entertainment Center
SWTOR: The Pursuit of Revenge: Departure of Sand
Set in SWTOR: After a few problems, A Jedi and friend are enroute to Onderon
The biggest problem with the piece is that there is no characterization. Everyone, even the hero are cardboard cutouts with no description at all. More description was paid to the ship than to anyone in it. It reminded me of an Anime named xxxholic where except for people who were part of the episode itself everyone was merely a line drawing of a figure.
As a slice of life it wasn't that bad.
Knights of the Old Republic: The lost Knights
Post KOTOR: A Jedi is sent to find a lost master
I think you meant three thousand souls rather than shoulders, held a city rather than help one, calm tone not clam tone, the few rather than there few, and resided (Lived) rather than resigned (quit), between not below, thought instead of though. These would have been caught if you remember to sight edit before posting, as all are words that will pass a spell check, but don't match the context of the phrase.
It's interesting that you comment that Vandar does not do Yoda-speak, yet then turn around and have him talk that way anyway from that point on.
Remember shipboard terminology. It is a compartment and viewport rather than room and window Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.
Your description of the galaxy's division doesn't quite fit real space. First, while the flight through asteroid belts in AOTC and TESB were fun, that would be in one of the nodes where gravity has made a serious clump. Our own asteroid belt holds less than 6 percent of the mass of our solar system (About the mass of Earth) and because of it's diameter most of it is empty space. A belt as you describe would have to be several million light years in diameter and be just as tenuous.
The confrontation between the gang and the troops didn't quite work. Infantry or Marine troops (from the weapons described), unlike the average street gang, are extremely well trained in violence, which is one of the reasons it is a military axiom that no organized body of troops are outnumbered by a mob of any size. That is also the reason you have military police; the average infantry unit is not trained with the idea that your enemy is to be captured rather than killed.
A street gang on the other hand, while cohesive, are not specialists in mayhem and slaughter; Ask a local police public affairs officer how many gang fights end up in a serious casualty lists. They may fight for territory, but the losers usually leave banged up, not in body bags, which is the opposite of a military confrontation. Picture Jabba the Hutt's ragtag team facing off against Imperial Stormtroopers.
Technical note: Saying someone is a tech specialist tells us nothing. Later you did tell us he is a computer technician with a specialty in security systems, which would make him an Electronics specialist. Saying tech technician aboard a ship with perhaps thirty different possible ratings is like just calling him a petty officer.
The piece is very long and I honestly didn't have time to finish it. The flashbacks gives real depth to the main character.
KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to let go to be able to hold the one he loves.
It's wry not rye. Rye is a grain, once inside, not one. Missing word, 'Mission exclaimed as (she) sat down beside her'. This would have been caught by a sight edit. The missing word was minor; When I write I do what I call stream of consciousness, just viewing the scene in my head and describing as I go, which means I forget words too.
The piece is extremely well done. The scene where she literally begs Carth to kill her really read well. Most of what followed was merely a structure built on that scene. The end is in doubt still, the last fight with Malak hasn't happened yet. But she goes into it strong with his love.
Pick of the Week
Knights of the Old Republic 3: Will of the Sith
TSL on Malachor V: The survivors flee to begin the new quest.
Remember conversation breaks. You didn't forget them often, but where you did it was glaringly obvious
As the author said, the chapter was short on action. What I did not like was merely writing everyone else from the new story as if they were incidental. It reminded me of Alien 3 when the Marine Hicks and Newt the girl were written out as unnecessary.
You Know You Want To
KOTOR on Korriban: To win, Revan must let go of the light
The piece is good in a deeply disturbing way. Playing the dark side game never appealed to me; too many of the Upper echelon Sith come across like a kid tormenting a dog because they can, the very kind of person I despise. It seems that the writers can think of no redeeming factor in the dark, nor any constraint. The same is generally true of the Mandalorians as portrayed; just the Mandalorians are more physically barbaric.
A historian I read pointed out that the pure barbarian who kills them all loses in the end. Maybe they need to learn that. Look at the Mongols that held almost 25% of the landmasses of the planet under their empire. While they did depopulate both modern day Poland and modern day Turkey, most of the time they accepted surrenders, assigned overseers, and allowed the people to go about their business.
The two times listed above when they went for total massacre, it was to draw out the Teutonic knights in Poland, and to destroy the one section of the world where the intelligentsia were actively working on resistance. In Turkey (actually from the Bosporus east to present day Kabul, and south to Mecca; the old Persian Empire) They killed everyone who could read or write, held any political office, or was in the army.
The Phantom Menace
Post KOTOR on Korriban: To save her past, Revan must help in the future
There are those stories that are intriguing right from the start and this was one of them. The idea that some kind of portal takes Revan to the time of the Phantom Menace makes me wish to read the lot, and there is a lot more; try 12 chapters total.
Pick of the Week
Take Care of Her
A Man Named Fearless
The Final confrontation on the Star Forge: What will Revan learn?
The piece is an excellent mix of go for broke fight, and reminiscence as the two fight for the last time. The memories are well interwoven and the caring is there even to the end/
Pick of the Week
On the Unknown Island
KOTOR on the island: Revan has to deal with who she was
The piece is a deep introspection of both characters, Revan fighting what she had been, and Carth letting go of his fears to support her. Very well done.
Pick of the Week
I'll show you mine, you show me yours
KOTOR on Tatooine: Reliving their injuries
Mainly a slice of life until Revan begins treating Carth's wounds. Then it is a psychometric trip into his past for every one she touches. An interesting idea for a Force ability.
The Blba Tree
Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: A young Mical receives a simple lesson from the soon to be Exile
Forgotten word, 'lives will (be) because of our wills and desires'.
The only problem I have with Exile - Mical stories is that the game makes him someone chance met, whereas most of the stories have them meeting and having a relationship of sorts before. It is possible that Mical is merely a child she does not remember, but each one I have seen so far has a resonance that should be memorable.
Well done slice of life.
It Suits You, the Darkness that is
Difficult word choices; 'alleviate grievousness between two merchants families'. Remember never use a large word when a short one will do the same job. alleviate grievousness would flow easier if it were 'ease friction' instead. 'relatively not that harmed'. Second rule, never use two words when one will do. Would read smoother if you said 'relatively unharmed' or 'relatively intact'.
Odd sentence; 'his some infrequent padawan's face', the word 'some' doesn't fit making the sentence awkward. The only way it would work is if you are referring to the fact that the boy suggests he has been passed around like a student needing help with specific tairning, in which case some should be sometimes.
The piece is confusing at the end. The author states it is pre KOTOR but to have Revan be a young Padawan in the Sith's hands, it would have to be Pre Mandalorian Wars as well. Also, think of it this way:
At the time of the Mandalorian Wars, there were perhaps 10,000 Jedi. Scattered across the galaxy, it isn't a lot. Yet you have a bunch trapped in the base. Some of them, like Natasha obviously, for some time. This would not make a lot of sense in the Pre Mandalorian War era because there wouldn't be a lot distracting the Jedi to cover it as there would be later.
I have a military mind, and one that works well with intelligence gathering and analysis. What you have created looks like this; several Jedi pairs have disappeared, probably in a small area. That first supposition is the presence of young Jedi, suggesting that a training pair, knight or master and apprentice, the second supposition is from the fact that if the Sith had a larger presence, they would cover more of the galaxy and be more apparent by their effects.
These pairs have disappeared, creating an area that suggests to my mind that something is happening that is a danger. In the time building to a war, the enemy will do what they can to conceal their actions, but that attempt itself draws the eye to it.
As an example; months before Pearl Harbor, the Japanese Navy pulled the Pearl Harbor strike force back to an area where Caucasians would immediately be spotted so they could practice their attack without being noticed. This caused the US to miss the vital information. They knew the ships had been moved, but not where.
The same thing happened during late 1939 to early 1940 during what was called the Phony War, when the Germans massed their troops behind the Ardennes forest because every one 'knew' it was impassable by tank formations. In this case, the French knew where the army was, they just assumed the forest would block their approach.
So how could all of these people disappear without a clue?
Revan Revamped: Part 1
Post TSL: Based on the KOTOR book, the Exile and Atton goes to rescue Revan.
The piece is excellent because of the introspection Atton goes through when the plan is laid out. His ongoing comment, that all he was good at was running, fits in with his melancholy.
Of the Fall
Vignettes within KOTOR: Revan's reborn rise and fall are seen through the eyes of the others.
The piece is a series of snapshots from the minds of her crew. From the worried but light view of her originally on Taris to the final confrontation. with Carth. While every change was a bit confusing, it took only moments to understand who was speaking, and their views were unique. It is a well done albeit sad testament.
Pick of the Week