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Old 06-02-2012, 09:07 AM   #1277
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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So many stories. So little time...

Still unable to access SWK to post there... HELP! Having fun here; a scorcher this week a full month before summer officially starts. So without further ado...

From we start with Foxfire's [/urlUrl=] Partnership followed by Skypilot's reprise pick Beginning of an Exile Unfortunately no best of the week, they were both good, but not that good.

Shouldn't have done it, but I peeked at the week's forecast. Three more days of triple digits. Help Me! I'm melting!!

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Untitled Original Scifi story

Non SW Fic: The escape

The piece is generic, but I think that is partially because you don't want to drift into the SW genre. No biggie. Your main character spends most of his(her) time zoning because of a head injury; but that is honestly one of the one things no one has considered for a redo of KOTOR. The piece is fun with the main character (Someone disabused me using the term 'hero') pretty much hanging on the arm of the assistant.

Face it, kid. If I read it here, I will review it. Live with that. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for something fun.


Light Side Male Revan

] Revanchism - Chapter 1
Renee Enderson

Pre Mandalorian War AU: Bastila versus the Spellbinder

The piece was interesting because Revan is saying exactly what I thought was logical for all of those who departed. The Jedi have always been the guardians of the Republic; but as Revan says here it is the people they should protect, not the government itself.

The scene at the rally reminds me of what could have happened if an intellectual had been able to confront Hitler at a rally. As we Americans who do not speak German will tell you, all of that spellbinder's speeches are innuendo and assaults on others. There is no rhyme nor reason to them, but over 70 Million people died in that war; most of them in Europe, all because of one Bavarian Corporal.

Dark Side Female Exile

Exile's Fall

TSL on Dxun: The Exile meets up with the Mandalorians then sets out to explore

The way you portray the Exile makes her come across, I hate to say, like a total neophyte. Since she had been a soldier, she would not have wandered around so careless of her environment. Combat veterans tend to get into the hyper awareness about threats that kept them alive in the past very quickly. Even if she had not yet joined the other Jedi at the time of Dxun, she would have heard about the place, and it wouldn't have been good stories either. You also make the animals come across as clumsy as well. A malrass, by the images used in the game, are feline, and the large cats do not attack center of mass unless they have no other target. They use their claws to pin or disable the legs first if they cannot reach the throat.

The scenes have little color or flow to them. The encounters sadly like the game, come across as almost staged. Her wandering off alone to the tomb is almost child like, again, not the reaction of an experienced person. They have a nickname for someone who just walks off into the Serengeti in such a clueless manner; they call them lunch.

Who I Was

TSL in the tomb: The Exile revisits her past

Compared to your earlier work this seems rushed. The battle scene at the bridge was well done, but having an officer run around with full medals in the middle of a battle, from your description, makes no sense. On a battlefield in the last century, the only visible difference between a typical grunt and a general is on the collar points.

The interesting thing was having Malak in the first scene step out of lockstep with the past to ask the important question. Would you do it again knowing what will follow?

Starting other K2 Characters now...


Post TSL: A chance encounter on the outer rim

The piece has it's good moment. The bare bones description of Atton's pursuit was just right. Dustil's predicament is what you'd expect from someone not used to roughing it; having to spend his last coin to try to get his ship fixed and failing. His 'I'm looking for something my father lost' is all the clue I needed.

An interesting take and partnership since I know they're after pretty much the same thing...

Pick of the week

Atton and Revan
Midnight Hawk

Mandalorian War era: Atton meets Revan for the first time

Improper words, Looser (as in loosening something) rather than loser, no body instead of nobody, perculating (The act of embezzling money) instead of percolating (Passing liquid through a filter, as in percolating coffee), 'him force powers' instead of his, 'I have to use for weakness' should be 'I have no use for weakness'.

The piece didn't quite gel because according to the original game back story you have a four year period with the Jedi leading the Republic to their final victory before Malachor V, yet you have Revan and those around her acting as if she'd left the enclave the previous week. With the armor on, I could understand why someone did not recognize her, but it would be like an soldier of WWII serving in Europe not knowing who Patton was by name.

I did enjoy the idea that she was concealing not only her face but her sex as well by wearing the armor.

Beginning of an Exile

Originally reviewed 17 Nov 2006, but unfortunately it was never posted here. My bad. That review is below:

Posted 17 Nov 2006 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critics Two Cents.

Some works here are what I consider Professional level, these are marked Pick of the Week. Check SWK for the pick of the week from among them.

Commentary on the Exile when she was still a student.

The style is good, though you do have a few minor problems with spelling and grammar. Nothing a little polishing won’t fix.

Technical note: Why is forming force bonds rapidly automatically a Sith technique? Especially if it is something natural to the person? There were comments about it in the Sith Lords, but nothing that suggested that it was automatically evil.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Kotor plus Me

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: What if you intejected yourself into the game?

From the usage, I suspect you are French Canadian. So I will be gentle. Remember to sight edit and check grammar. Also remember to complete contractions, you used ill instead of I'll, well instead of we'll for example.

Also remember to sight edit. There are words that will pass a spell check (Though when you meant thought) for example. Remember to complete sentences 'Endar Spires put together.' should be 'Endar Spire's crew put together.', which is something else that a careful sight edit would catch.

It isn't the first time I have seen someone add themselves to the game, but the different views when it occurs are always interesting. The errors mentioned above caused some confusion.

Mekel's Demise

KOTOR on Korriban: Saved, then killed by his savior

The piece was short, and it took me a few moments to realize what was happening. If you have played out the scene, all you have to do to kill the other person and at the same time save yourself is answer the questions correctly. It's as if Revan had fallen at the last minute in his attempt to save the other man.

Powers of Destruction: Redone

15 years post TSL: The son of the Exile goes in search of his parent

First, a planet that is uninhabitable has some condition that makes life as we know it unable to survive. Living on the surface of Saturn for example would be impossible with our present technology. Yet you have animals that live there. Hostile is not uninhabitable. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in a segment of the book Friday when explaining what he called the T-system (Comparing conditions on other planets to Earth) T-12 is Earth before man arrived on the scene; large predators, not knowing what specific food can be eaten, or the seasons being fierce, such as severe winters and summers, but we're still here.

The piece is dry and tasteless. You go out of your way to make the 'death of the force' as asexual as possible, so there is no characterization of either character. They are cardboard cut outs, not people we can relate to. The quest is confusing. You have to kill something to assure your survival, but you survive only by taking on it's capabilities; as if being death of the force is a title, not a condition. The main character wins, but how? If using the force feeds his opponent, the act of using the force to move the lightsaber to strike him would also feed it.

Parting Words

Helena L

Post KOTOR: At the wedding of his team mates, Jolee reminisces about his own past

The piece is a simple slice of life, with an old codger watching the young get on with their lives. I have reached the age where I do the same thing; watching young lovers, or kids with their first triumph, and know my own life will eventually end while they go on.

It's not that bad a feeling, really.

Turn of Events
Sith Lord Revan 1

Pre TSL: Revan as the Peragus station security chief?

Remember to sight edit, as words will pass a spell check but not be proper for the sentence; quite instead of quiet, herd instead of heard, that kind of thing.

The scenes in the facility before the Exile awakens is a little too rough to be workable. First, even drunk, someone is not going to draw down on the head of the security force; not and expect to be employed the next day. While it does happen in real life, in a situation where you both work for the company, it would get the miner's contract terminated. Also even in such a situation, a cop is not going to draw down on an employee. He'll disarm him, dump him in the cells, and the miner gets fired and kicked out. Also a mining laser is a tool, and when you're not working, you don't carry your tools around with you.

One question; Doesn't anyone wonder why their head of security has the same name as the former dark lord?

A Woman's Work

Lady Revan of Deralia

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile does her last duty to her departed.

The piece is poignant, a funeral pyre for her companion after defeating her enemies.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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