View Single Post
Old 06-08-2012, 10:07 PM   #1278
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,834
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Still locked out of SWK. So you get to see it here first!


We've dealt with triple digits, and I have the distinction (read I'm different from everyone else) that my system uses water more rapidly than everyone else. So, another week, and some good stuff for you.

Over at Fanfiction.net We start with Ashforge's Blackbird which scored one part of the paired Best of the week.

Over at kotorfanmedia we start with LunaChan's Murder then BrennaSolo's Jedi Ceremonies followed by Starphire's Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged and ending with the other winner for best of the week; Midnight Hawk's Atton's Advocate
So again high temperatures deal with me, and my work goes on. A lot of fun, eh?

Signing off...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

NSW Fiction, Dragon age origins: Where the world ceases...
Revan sama

Confusing word usage; logical and feelings should be logic and emotion rather than feelings. 'would criticize him' not criticized. 'didn't judge', not didn't judged, slowly cutting rather than cutting slowly, mortal woman rather than woman mortal.

cumbersome sentence structure; 'you must give it a weakness or search a weakness if it already possesses one' would make more sense as 'you must create a weakness or find a weakness it already possesses.'

The basic premise is excellent; find someone in emotional need, and feed that need to feed yourself.

NSW Fiction, Nightmares on Gehenna
Yukub

in the Future: Humans face a new threat

Equipment is hauled (Brought) not hailed (called)

'As a new (force of a ) million men (are, not is)'.

Technical note: the Can'Tores seem to be portrayed as a native species. If they are, they cannot be driven off the planet, they can only be forced onto reservations or eradicated.

And why Uranium? It is valuable, but at $50.50 per pound as of today's market (6 June) it would be cheaper to mine the asteroid belt. That was part of the reason they used Unobtainium in Avatar as the mineral they were looking for.

Military note; a total military for the planet of 20 million? There are almost as many on our planet under arms now even in a time of relative peace. There is, world wide about 2% of the population, (about 16.5 million) and the population is growing at a rate of about 30 million a year. If it were war time, Europe alone would be able to field that same amount. The US could field field it without breaking a sweat; China alone could field almost 300 million.

Also just out of curiosity, why have you sent off a million men for a deployment of fifteen years before you reinforce or rotate them out? The last government that used that long a deployment were the Romans. Most modern military units are pulled out of combat after about a year for rest and reorganization assuming combat; and out of garrison usually after four.

Leaving them on a base that can be attacked, as your penny packets are; leaves only your primary bases; Hotbase and Quergo, as somewhere to send them for such R&R. Since both are targets, this isn't much. When I was young, they were still sending men to Vietnam. For R&R they could go to Saigon, but like your military men, it wasn't that safe in comparison to say Singapore, Bangkok, Tokyo, or Cebu where they could also go back then.

The story is flowing, but the technical flaws I have mentioned above detracts from it a bit for me. The basic, the situation, the threat, is well portrayed. As is the threat I perceive from their own government.

Welcome to the forum.

The Pursuit of Revenge: Remembrance
LDR

Set in SWTOR, continuation of the previous work: The main character remembers...

Remember to sight edit. The mother is also a banker but you forgot 'a' in the sentence.

I like that we now have a little more flesh on the bones of your characters. Remember that most people when they read, imagine what the character sound and look like, and it's part of your job to give them a framework to build on. The only time this is not necessary is when you are using a well known character from someone else's work. If you say 'Sherlock Holmes reclined in his comfortable chair, smoke rising from his pipe', everyone will chose in their mind the actor who has portrayed that character, and insert him into the scene, whether it be Robert Downey Junior, Basil Rathbone, or my personal favorite, Michael Caine from Without a Clue.

Fanfiction.net

Blackbird
Ashforge

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan falls in love, and begs her lover to stay in the light

The piece was well done with a few problems, primarily misspelled words. It moved me in odd ways seeing her decide she loved someone, and in so doing, wants that lover safe.

Pick of the Week

The Great War
wetdog8040

Post ANH: When the clones escape control, they find themselves again expendable

The piece is not even long enough to be a prologue. The biggest problem is the premise, leading to:

Technical note: A clone is created from a sample of tissue from a single person. There is not a whole lot of what can be called 'wiggle room' there. By judicious adjustment of the sample, you could theoretically create female clones using what is called a diploid complement; an exact opposite of the original DNA. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in Time Enough For Love, breeding the pair back is the next logical step. However the genetic bullet would not be as easily dodged in the following generations, any more than it is genetically safe to marry your own sister.

So you have a genetically flawed society sending these warriors out. With more flawed children growing up.

You also made no mention of tweaking the process to reduce the aging process used originally. The clones of the movies and books were aging at twice normal rate, meaning a man only 30 years old would be doddering along looking sixty. I assumed it had been done, just that you did not mention it.

The Fate of Revan
Winter Arani

Post KOTOR: Revan departs for the outer rim with more company than normal.

The piece doesn't really gel; both Canderous and Carth come across as too sycophantic. Not completely out of characters, but enough to jar.

Where the hssiss roam
Darth Phex

TSL on Korriban: A lot of things can happen in the tomb of Ludo Kressh...

Except for a few minor problems such as spelling things phonetically (Chubaka? Malacore?) and a need to sight edit before posting to avoid shear (instead of sheer) boredom, the piece was very funny. Lines like the following trip you up, and make you pause in disbelief;

"I believe you are strong enough to explore the tomb ahe-. Are you paying attention!"

"Of coarse(course) I am." Arie replied as she continued to carve "Arie was here" into the door with her lightsaber.

Does the Exile even get a clue as to what's happening? Of course not! She's too busy plowing on like a tank through a building.

Knights of the Old Republic: Roots
l0ngshotOR

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: Bastila meets Revan for only the second time

The piece flowed well, and makes me wish I could read further than the two chapters I did. There were a few jarring notes, having the Vao kids stage through Dantooine to go to Taris a little early (Since Bastila is listed as being ten, that would make Mission four or five) for example, but on the whole well done.

The Ebon Hawk
Winter Arani

Six decades post TSL: An old man waxes lyrical about the history of a ship he is showing to another

The piece confused me at the end of the second chapter; why would the Exile have to give up the force yet again?

Technical note: You did two things here that made no sense. First, you ID'd the ship as a CEC YT1000. While you can call her by whatever class and product ID you wish, remember that there will be almost 4,000 years between this ship and the Millennium Falcon, which is a YT1300.

Second, a Naval officer does not have the authority to decommission a civilian craft, which the Hawk is. If it had been commissioned as say a commerce raider (Such as HMS Rawalpindi or Jervis Bay during WWII) what would have happened is that the Navy would remove the weapons, decommission the ship, and return her to her original owners again. As she sits she is merely a light freighter equipped to protect herself in some of the rougher areas of the galaxy, not a warship

kotorfanmedia

Atton's Advocate
Midnight Hawk

TSL on Peragus: Atton is rescued by a surprising person

The piece was an excellent work covering the meeting between the Exile and Atton. The author did one thing few people did; having Atton automatically recognize her name. I did the same thing in a way in my own Return From Exile but before she had introduced herself:

“War council.”

“Yep the Bitch and her four hell hounds. Malak, Vitoris, Sanso, and Devos. The four riders of everyone else’s doom.”

Then:

“Since we’ll be working together, how about a name?”

“Oh, sorry. Rand, Atton Rand. And you?”

She shut off the security field, and took my outstretched hand. “Marai.” Her grin grew feral. “Marai Devos.”

Having them play Pazaak while waiting is a pure Atton touch, and having him thinking of Nar Shaddaa rules choice.

Pick of the Week

My Guess
JediExile TK421

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A simple question brings up a flood of memory

The piece is a fun read because you get some in depth of both the Exile and Bao-Dur. Women only recently began serving in combat here in the US, but when they do, I can see subordinates checking them out first as women, and only then as soldiers. I handled the same scene by having Bao-Dur merely say 'I'm going back to work now' and making Atton work it out for himself.

Murder
LunaChan

Originally reviewed 17 November 2006, that review is below:

Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view.

A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Jedi Ceremonies
BrennaSolo

Post TSL: The first Jedi knight of the new order

The piece was fun not because of the ceremony or the reception, though Revan and Carth playing up their romance to scare the straights was fun. What I enjoyed was the idea that Carth had known and commanded Atton before, and that the Corellian Jedi went their own way in regard to marriage. Since they seem to be at odds with the rest of the galaxy on everything else too...

Pick of the Week

Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged
Starphire

Originally posted 24 November 2006 on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment and SWK. That review is below:

In the words of the author: Very short, very Bao-Dur-centric

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it was subject matter more than anything else. The work is excellent.

I don’t know if the authors of the game had considered a romance between these two characters, but I say go for it.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Tia's story: chapter 1
Mcich

Prior to KOTOR: A Jedi visits the Dantooine Academy

The piece is funny because we have someone probably receiving a vision of what will happen to the Academy before visiting it. The piece is a nice slice of normal Jedi Life.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,