07-04-2012, 03:26 PM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Current Game: TSL
Originally Posted by Trex
I'm putting together the updated version of the opening movie and need someone to proof read my opening crawl.
The concept is nice, but it's way too long for a Star Wars opening sequence - mostly due to unnecessary addons and somewhat awkward syntax. Since each "paragraph" is commonly 1-2 sentences long, I took the liberty to help you cut. Hope this helps!
Amidst the ashes of the Sith triumvirate,
a broken Republic remains. Various
parties have seceded from the
government and forged their own
Outlawed by the despairing senate,
the once revered Jedi peacekeepers
are powerless and slowly fade into a
distant memory. Within this disarray,
a lone scientist seeks to rediscover
Revan, the Jedi general who, if found,
may very well reverse the galaxy's
Meanwhile, in the furthest reaches of
the galaxy, a terrible menace lingers, biding
time for the moment it reminds the galaxy
of the Dark Side's true power...
ORIGINAL + EXPLANATION
From the ashes of the Sith triumvirate's devastation [ashes already implies devastation, so that word is not needed], a broken Republic has arisen. [not sure if "arisen" is the best word to synergize the word "broken" Republic] Turning to the crime lords, droids, merchants and assassins as new leaders,citizens have seceded from the galactic government, forming their own independent factions. [Too wordy]A despairing and weakening senate has outlawed the Jedi. The once revered warriors have fallen into memory. [sounds better when + can be easily combined]
Amidst the chaos[B] [not necessarily the best connotation here], a lone scientist has taken it upon themselves [can be easily avoided if you reword] to seek the legendary Jedi general, Revan, a man [what if I played Revan a woman?] who's return many hope will change the galaxy for the better. [too wordy]
Meanwhile, in the furthest reaches of the galaxy, something lingers. The darkest will ever created by the Force. It bides it's time, nearing the moment it has long anticipated. The moment it will return and remind the galaxy what the power of the dark side truly is...[too wordy]
You don't necessarily have to use these changes/cuts, but this is just my personal imput.
Last edited by CptPriceless; 07-04-2012 at 11:18 PM.