I feel you make some good points. I've also just had an hour long binge looking through and analysing the actual star wars crawls, so first of all, lets's have some fun statistics.
Sizes of opening crawls :
EP 1 : TPM - 78 words
EP 2 : AOTC - 80 words
EP 3 : ROTS - 75 words
EP 4 : ANH - 83 words
EP 5 : TESB - 81 words
EP 6 : ROTJ - 78 words
Average word count : 79.17
The crawls also follow a notable pattern based on their paragraphs :
Paragraph 1 : Always describes the state of the galaxy/society (there is war, there is a rebellion, there are seperatists etc).
Paragraph 2 : Explains how the current plot was instigated, usually via something that has just happened prior to the film (Leia stole the plans, Grevious invaded Coruscant etc).
Paragraph 3 : Set up the first scenes we see in the film (Vader is dispatching probes, two Jedi are trying to rescue the Chancellor etc).
The only exception to this seems to be ROTJ, where all three paragraphs just seem to state what's going on in a general sense, probably because it follws on so directly from the end of TESB.
So, back to the topic :
- My original crawl in 1.0 : 111 words !
- My working progress crawl posted above : 132 words !
- CptPriceless' above : 93 words
Combining everything together, I now think I'm going to go with this :
The Republic is broken. Following the attack of Darth Nihilus, many people have seceded from the government altogether, turning to droids, crime lords and assassins for leadership.
The Jedi now outlawed, a lone scientist searches for their legendary general, Revan, who’s return could restore the order.
Meanwhile, on the edge of the galaxy, the darkest will ever created by the Force lingers. Soon, it will return and remind the galaxy what the power of the dark side truly is...
Wordcount : 79
It also fits the three paragraph structure.