Originally Posted by Trex
I like the captain's rework enough too, but there's a few parts I'm not as keen on, mainly because they aren't acurate with the content in the mod (you weren't to know of course, you haven't played it
So, following on from all that, here's what could be the final crawl that I'm very happy with :
The Republic is broken. Following the attack of Darth Nihilus, many citizens have seceded from the government, turning to droids, crime lords and assassins for leadership.
The Jedi now outlawed, a lone scientist searches for their legendary general, Revan, whose return could restore the ancient order.
Meanwhile, on the edge of the galaxy, the darkest power ever created by the Force lingers. Soon, it will return and remind the galaxy what the dark side truly is...
This really does look great, I just have a small suggestion if I may?
(FYI, I've been watching this project for a VERY long time, just never posted till now.)
My suggestions are just a few wording alterations...
Civilization is crumbling. Following the attacks of Darth Nihilus, many citizens(worlds? Or is the intention that it is isolated citizenry, absent local government?) have seceded from the Republic, turning to droids, crime lords and assassins for help.
(I think the word civilization gets the point across much better, than not only is the government on the verge of collapse, but the very nature of the galaxy has taken on a darker, more savage bent).
With the Jedi now outlawed, a single man(woman/alien) searches for their legendary general, Revan, whose return could restore the ancient order.
(The specification of it being a scientist only brings up unanswerable questions, while a simpler identifier keeps it more open-ended, and this statement creates enough questions already, IMO. And the 'With' at the start presents this as the catalyst for this search, rather than the statement seeming to be unrelated).
And on the edge of the galaxy, lingers the Darkest Power(capitalized for effect, and it implies a specific entity, which seems to be the point) The Force has ever created, anxiously awaiting it's return to the galaxy...
(The rest of that line seems unnecessary, and this way seems-at least to me-to create greater curiosity and tension over the situation).
I hope this is helpful. And if not, simply disregard. But I would love to be able to say that I had an impact on this project
And on a more personal note, Trex, you are a god among men. Your work on this is AMAZING! Have you considered applying for a writer/designer position with BioWare, or another Lucas Arts affiliate? Just a thought.