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Old 07-10-2012, 12:37 PM   #198
d3sd0
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Trex, this is really great and I'm glad to see all the progress! Thank you so much for all the time and hard work you've put into this. I had already typed something really long, but the site said my token had expired so I had to go back and lost it. But I know more or less what I said concerning your crawl. Very good by the way! Someone already caught whose so credit to them. As someone else mentioned the last part seems a little bare. Well, here are my suggestions for your crawl. Sorry in advanced for my lack of use with a spoiler.
My minor changes:

The Republic is broken. Following the attack of Darth Nihilus, many citizens have seceded from the government, turning to droids, crime lords, and assassins for leadership.

With the Jedi now outlawed, a lone scientist searches for their legendary general, Revan, whose return could restore the ancient order.

Meanwhile, at the edge of the galaxy, the darkest power ever created by the Force lingers. Soon, it will return and remind the galaxy just what the dark side truly is...

*Very minor changes and what I added to the first paragraph (a comma) is just personal taste and both are correct, unless the crime lords and assassins is one of the factions. Also, I added "With" to the beginning of the second paragraph, just sounds a bit better. Also, to the last paragraph I changed "on" to "at" (just sounds better in my opinion) and then I also added "just" before "what the dark side truly is..." it just sounds better/ makes it sound less bare. I know my changes are very small and minor, and by no stretch of the means do you even have to take my critique into consideration. Sorry I took up so much space to express so little! Thanks again Trex for the massive amount of time, effort, and skill this has required on your part to get this far!
Thanks,
d3sd0


To know that one has breathed easier because you have lived is to have succeeded.
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