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Old 08-05-2012, 10:19 AM   #1289
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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For some reason everything agter July 7th is missing here... Must have been when the system crashed.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Star Wars: Retribution

Several years after TPM: A Sith apprentice now has only revenge to guide him

Note: The author is new to the forum and asked to look at the review ahead of time. The questions raised below remain, but I have been informed that Maul had survived the Naboo mission, had been given prosthetic legs, etc. So this is just me venting, but not at you, kid.

The intro is interesting enough, but we have some technical problems that need to be addressed.

Technical, medical: I remember Darth Maul falling down the chute and dividing almost neatly in half at the waist, his arms saved only because his hands were up ready to strike when the blow severed his lower body.

Not his legs, his lower body at about the waist line. That means that along with the legs, we're also talking about half of his GI tract, kidneys, liver and bladder lost as well. Before you ask, this has happened in our own reality and world in incidents where a man is hit by a train and the wheels cut him in half, cauterizing the wound as it is inflicted. Survival is counted not in hours, but in minutes because you also have no way to continue bumping blood within what does remain without massive immediate medical intervention. Using only our own modern medicine, in a combat situation, it is a matter of giving the man a hot shot of morphine to put him out of his misery.

So how did he survive long enough to escape? Granted he might have found a way to survive the fall. But he now has to gain medical support, have the remaining parts of the damaged arterial/venal system somehow rerouted to maintain some function, have some system built to replace every part of his intestines below the duodenum, and only then can you worry about something as minor as legs. All within not days, but minutes.

For us to assume that somehow he escapes from Naboo without the Jedi or Sidious knowing he survived is very unlikely. For this to occur, he would need a ship of his own, with not only a worker droid to come and transport him to it, a medical droid to stabilize him long enough to get to proper medical attention, and a secret medical facility to replace the destroyed organs. Oh, and a minor point, stay conscious long enough to set this all in motion.

A full fledged trauma unit assuming the medical knowledge of the SW universe would probably be able to do it, but here we run into the next technical issue.

Technical note Secrecy: Let's assume the seemingly insurmountable problem of keeping him alive is taken care of. A technician sees the body, calls medical, the remains are rushed to a trauma center, and they save his live. Well done. However you now have a military prisoner attached to life support machinery which is rather bulky initially, and therefore unable to merely get up and walk away.

Using the modern rules of war There is nothing in the Geneva Conventions requiring a prisoner in a POW camp be given anything beyond life support in a situation like this; in fact if the Germans had captured this man during WWII they would merely repatriate him to ease their own burden or as I said, allow him to exit the scene painlessly. As an example, Group Captain Douglas Bader (Who has the honor of being the only double amputee to not only fly in combat but with 20 individual kills as well) was shot down over France in August 1941. He survived because while both of his artificial legs were pinned and unable to move, he merely disconnected them when he bailed out.

When captured, the Infantry officer initially believed it was some kind of British propaganda ploy until the legs were recovered from the wreckage. When German intelligence discovered his capture, they refused requests to repatriate him and he spent the next four years in POW camps.

But unlike Bader, Maul's wounds are more recent, and more serious. Also his situation is in a gray area of International law (As it is written as of this date). While actively fighting for the Trade Federation, he is not an employee of that agency. He is an agent of a secretive third party, I.E. Sidious. Remember the Mission Impossible initial briefings? “Should any of your men be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

That makes Maul what is defined under that law an Illegal Combatant, outside of the law as to treatment. Legally they can be shot out of hand, though the US has used it to keep the men presently incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. But their capture and incarceration must be reported, so we have this man in a hospital on Naboo while they work on manufacturing him a new GI tract and necessary artificial organs. Not something that can be done within a few days.

But Sidious (As Senator then later Chancellor Palpatine) would know he survived. Would he bother even letting him live? Unlikely. Maul is the one person that can derail the entire plan merely by spilling his guts. In other words, he'd live as the old saying goes, about as long as a pint of Irish whiskey at a wake. If Sidious didn't send someone to deal with him, he could instead have him turned over to Republic intelligence, where no one would ever even know what happened. Think of Bader above being turned over to the Gestapo, or a man in old Soviet Russia being turned over to the KGB, with only one man in oversight, Palpatine. Even if you assume he is held by the American CIA, there are men within that organization that could be suborned who would assure he did not survive long enough to talk. Something that both Palpatine and Maul would know.

Would the Naboo (Or intelligence) spend the time and money on giving him new legs? Probably not unless he talked. So about a month after his capture, we have a healed Maul trapped in a life support chair, being wheeled into a Republic Intelligence office, still immobile beyond the chair. Also the Jedi council would know he survived. Whatever Palpatine might plan, the council would be eager to talk to this man, if only to find out where his master is.

Technical note: Finances: Here we run into a very sticky problem. First, to escape successfully, he as to assure that no one knows he's still alive. On the mundane level, he knows that being in a life support chair makes him glaringly obvious to observers when the police issue a BOLO (Be On the Look Out for) with his escape. An Iridonian in a life support chair would be a rarity. So he has to make sure he is presumed dead, and that means finding another Iridonian, chopping him in half, then say incinerating his body along with another life support chair to cover it up. Since the ones holding him would not have left him his lightsaber (A minor point I left until now) he would have to A: secretly construct a new one while in prison under watch and guard. B: Escape. C: find another life support chair and another Iridonian male to chop up and incinerate. D: fund his evasion.

Here we run into a serious problem, as if he didn't have enough already.

He probably wouldn't have enough money initially. If he escaped, is presumed dead, then accessed the accounts opened by Palpatine, he might as well shoot off fireworks, at least for his master. If he were on Coruscant when this happened, it would not even take a day trip for Palpatine himself to go to where he had been spotted and deal with the problem personally.

Yet it is an axiom in intelligence work that any field agent will squirrel away some of the funds issued to him by his parent organization for his own use later. After a long enough time, he'd have enough to retire on in his own secret accounts, and he'd need it in this case. So he now has to find a medical tech or droid that can design and construct a smaller scale version of his life support equipment, then build a prosthetic casing for it along with legs.

Could it be done? Not very easily if he escapes before the Naboo can capture him. Could it be done secretly? Maybe. Could it be done cheaply? No way in hell.

I'd like to see more even if these have to be addressed to GL and the writers. The piece is stilted, but that is polish and editing.

Welcome to the forum.

Star Wars: Illusive Ghosts

During the Imperial Period, no specifics so far: An interrogation begins

Remember to spell check. Also, the comma at 'pain everywhere(,) as a electrical shock was given to him by the droid' is redundant.

Improper sentence structure; 'made his broken lips wet with his tongue' would have been better as 'ran his tongue over his broken lips'.

As for harsh language; it seems that younger people seem to think that using foul language makes them sound more adult; a problem I saw with my ex-wife's daughter, who cussed more than I (Four years in the Coast Guard, and yes, when I am frustrated I cuss like a trooper) ever used even on my worst days. The way to get around this stricture is to use word common in this genre which will pass the filter. I used Fierfek (Mandalorian) for the reproductive one as an example. What cracks me up is Japanese names with the same four letter word are bleeped even though the word does not mean the same thing in Japanese.

An interesting beginning. The scene is well set, the menace obvious.


Myths of the Mandalorians- Ghost of the Darkness
The Grey Jedi

The primary problem I had with the work is that there are a number of words that needed an apostrophe, but didn't get it because the author was using them as quotation marks. Not a major problem, but irritating.

While the Handmaidens are Echani, the author suggests that they all grew up at the Telos installation, and survived the initial bombardment carried out by Saul Karath. There would have been no logical reason for Atris to begin her planning for the 'end of the Jedi' that early.

Also, the interlude where the two criminals are killed suggests as the title does, some kind of murderous ghost, but again if they had lived there all this time the Handmaidens (Or Atris) would have known of it unless it was something new.

Dark Gift
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Visas witnesses the end of her planet, and the dark gift given to her by her old master.

Like all of BAM's work, this has depths most of us haven't put into our own work. The description of the way the Miraluka 'see' and connect within their society even down to the life of everything there is drawn as if on a tapestry, and witnessing it's end like someone with a white wash (Of in this case a black wash) covering all that vibrant color with a pallid sameness.

I especially liked two things; the fact that her race due to their way of seeing never had a word for alone; she had to remember Galactic basic to come up with it. Also that Nihilus is a Miraluka word for deep space, where as she thinks on it, it is not that there is no life, only that it is very hard to find.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

Ashes of Katarr

Pre TSL: Another view of Visas' original torment

The piece is short and well done, but the idea that all of that life being sucked out caused a firestorm of some kind just did not fit with my view of it. If you have seen the Star Trek the Next Generation episode Datalore, you might remember the comments made by the crew when they revisit the world where Mister Data had been found. The occupied section of the planet had been stripped completely of life 26 years earlier when the farming colony had vanished, and Crystal001's work suggests that. What I envisioned was more like the aftermath of a neutron bomb but on a planet wide scale; dead trees still standing with leaves still intact until they wither and fall away; bodies laying there merely being mummified rather than rotting because even bacteria are dead.


TSL On Telos: Bao Dur rescues the party, and sees his future in one of the survivors.

The piece is one of those rare ones where Bao Dur is the main character. His voice is as in the game, soft but compelling.

Pick of the Week

The Lost Jedi Prologue

TSL in orbit of Malachor V: One more must die for them to win

The piece reconstructs the final minutes of the planet very well. The battle did have losses as a real battle would, and victory is at a cost.

Last Night

TSL enroute to Korriban: What exactly did happen last night?

The piece is fun and at the same time confusing. Mira is cute hungover, and threatening to blow Atton's Choobies off with her grenade launcher not once but twice was a riot. Her conversation with Mical is one of those 'I was drunk and you were the best choice' explanations that sounds good in your mind, but tells the other person too much about what you were thinking drunk

My question is about the secondary part, which is the communication with the outside. Though it sets up some interesting problems ahead...

Pick of the Week

Halloween fun

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: The pranks go a little too far...

I was all set to lambast the author of this piece as it violates the canon (A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away) by using an Earth holiday. I have gone through the entire argument in nauseating detail at Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118.

But the story was a riot, the pranks a lot of fun, and the aftermath excellent. Leaving out the obvious links to the holiday as others have would have made it perfect!

And this author closed this account because they couldn't write? Wouldn't be able to tell it by this story!

Pick of the Week

A Bounty Hunter's Tale

Improper word usage, wondered instead of wandered, through instead of threw, parent instead of weren't, a instead of I, were instead of we're, battled instead of battle, that kind of thing.

Try not to use game references to skills. Calling one player a level one pistol and another a master rifleman may tell the reader something, but it isn't a meter of how well a written character would act or react and tells me as a reader nothing about his skill. To my mind a policeman with a pistol he uses occasionally would be level one meaning he is sure of not shooting his own foot off accidentally.

Technical note: ships have different names for common things, such as corridors or halls being called passageways, doors are hatches, that kind of thing. Read my article Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center> The Resource Center> Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The most unbelievable points in the story are two:

First, that a professional bounty hunter is merely going to scurry away like a standard bounty trying to escape. After doing the job for even a year, you would know that as the old saying goes, if you run all that happens is that you die tired. You would have to strike back at those following you rather than just running until one catches you.

Second, you have him covered by someone twice, yet he succeeds in killing them instead. This is unrealistic. Take the redone scene from ANH when Han Solo is confronted by Greedo. While it was redone because people felt it made Han look like a stone killer if Greedo didn't shoot first, it was also unrealistic. To have Greedo miss a full on target at less than 18 inches (half a meter) would only work if he wasn't aiming at Han originally. The reason Han was able to draw without being noticed was due to the fact that he distracted Greedo by talking and using his left hand as if following something on the wall.

You have your man leap to his feet from his back, draw a carbine and aim it, something that would take maybe three seconds while the guy covering him could have gotten off three shots in the same time.

Then you have a master rifleman covering him yet he does not get off a shot when your hero draws of all things, a knife to throw.


Post KOTOR location not given: Revan decides to atone for her previous actions

The piece has a broken feel to it. The character is so deep in her own depression that the world is a bleak landscape with no end in sight.

A Small Discovery

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak find the first star map

The piece needs editing more than anything else; there were several times when the wrong word is used.

That being said, the only flaw is one the author pointed out; that they are finding the Star Map far too early in their lives. To just a pair of young Padawan this is a big thing to find, but it's unlikely they would have held the secret long enough for KOTOR to happen.

Star Wars Episode 0: The Rise of Sidoious

Several Decades before TPM: The young man who will eventually become the Emperor spars with his master.

Remember conversation breaks; it becomes confusing after a while if you leave them out. Also sight edit to check for errors that will pass a spell check. It was hopped into your ship, not hoped.

Second, Sidious is a Sith, not a fallen Jedi; so having him train in the Jedi Temple doesn't work; primarily because I doubt the Jedi would have forgotten someone who trained, left half way through, came back as a politician etc.

Here Without You

Post KOTOR: Bastila can stand the emptiness no longer

The piece is sad and poignant. You get the feeling that Revan is dead rather than charging off into the Unknown Regions. The only negatives I have for it is wondering why an order that can, assuming they rewrote Revan's mind totally rewrite a personality, would not be able to stop one self destructive impulse like this one, and that Bastila's door in the enclave would be something that sounds like a blast door.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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