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Old 08-26-2012, 12:34 AM   #1296
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Bastila in wonderland!
Revan sama

Pre KOTOR: Alice in Wonderland, KOTOR style

Remember to sight edit; you have worked instead of work in the paragraph about the Duchess and Cook, then used smock (a piece of apparel) instead of smoke (Burning leaves breathed).

One reason to sight edit is you (like I) forget words, like 'Castle of (the) queen', and didn't told me, it's either 'didn't tell' or 'never told'. 'because the guards don't let the outsiders taking the fruits' should be 'because the guards don't let the outsiders take the fruit'; it's only plural if the assailant is not.

Remember that if you're crossing over with a different universe, it has to match both of them. So if you're mixing Louis Carroll and George Lucas, your additions must match his work, along with that by GL. As an example before Revan every other character you met was a cardboard cut out. It doesn't quite fit otherwise.

Watch this clip from the old Moonlighting episode 'murder in the mall'; where the writers went all Dr. Seuss on us. I have not seen the scene since the special they made around 1982 when they ran it again, (which means 30 years) but my own memory played out about 90% of it without a bobble. The writer kept to the information from the episode, and converted it to Dr. Seuss's style. He even added an homage to the Dr with:

Maddie: How do you do that?

David Addison: I read a lot of Dr. Seuess.

SWTOR: Part I: The Pursuit of Revenge

Rework of previous piece reviewed 30 June:

'until it cut the droid in two' should be 'as it cut the droid in two'. 'he went into hiding' because of context should be 'he has gone into hiding'.

Technical note: A vibroblade and a lightsaber are entirely different weapons with different operating principles. The best description I have found is not from the SW universe, it's from “In Fury Born' by David Weber where they call it a Force blade. You have a blade of metal that is by itself sharp, but the metal blade is only a guide and focus for the force field that makes it even more deadly; a force field that can be focused down to the molecular level, and extends the 40 cm metal blade to almost a meter.

A lightsaber uses the crystal to create a beam of energy, and the 'beam emitter' sets the length of the 'blade' you have created.

The reason I mention this, is Cortosis according to canon interferes with the crystal's function itself, disrupting the beam within the beam emitter area. Think of the applique armor created by the Israelis and Russians. Shaped Charge weapons had grown strong enough to penetrate anything but the English designed Chobham armor, and those without such armor were feeling inadequate. The applique (Also called explosive armor) creates an explosion of plastic explosive mere centimeters from the actual physical armor on impact of the probe (Which is set ahead of the warhead) creating a roiled area of air which disrupts the shaped charge blast, and weakens it.

As a lightsaber passes into a layer of cortosis, it breaks up due to feed back and shuts down. A vibroblade would be unaffected.

This is not a ding, it's just that I have studied military ordinance for over four decades, and when I see a weapon such as a light saber revealed, I find out how if works. Thanks to the authors of the EU, I have a pretty good grasp of this.

Understand the weapon, understand how it is used, and what has been done to try to negate it. Then go out there and make your version work.

The Return of Revan
Cowgirl Jack

Post TSL: With a few companions, the Exile sets out to find Revan

Remember to sight edit, you used noticed instead of notice, then in a descriptive line had Carth tell 'her' about Revan.

Technical note: A frigate is a midsized warship. If you looked in A Janes' fighting ships from this Era in Star Wars, the Ebon Hawk would be considered the equivalent of a blast boat (Think of Boba Fett's Slave One).

The writing style is dry in the prologue, and the entire back story was unnecessary beyond the discussion with Revan. I for one wonder why Revan didn't kill Soner as well.


Minor grammar mistakes, it is their stations not there. Sheer (Thin) opposed to shear, you also used abut (To border on) instead of about

Don't assume the spellchecker will catch all mistakes. You used trooped instead of trooper, and since it was correctly spelled, the program ignored it. Remember to sight edit. This isn't perfect either; when I wrote my own Return From Exile over at the Lucasforums story site I used you're instead of your, and my readers caught it as a grammar mistake, but I reviewed the chapter and sight edited a dozen times before I caught it.

Minor technical notes: 'Melee weapon' is a class of weapon, like saying polearm or firearm. The range of weapons within that class run from a zwei-hander sword down to a roll of quarters., though in the next paragraph you gave a type to it.

A bulkhead is a solid surface on a ship, you go through hatches in them. For a second I pictured the scene from the Clone Wars movie when Ventris cut through the hatch here, then pictured it closing back up by itself when Trask leaped through.

An insulator protects against an electric current. What you meant was that the armor acted as a conductor, which carries it.

I only had time to read the first chapter, and I wish I honestly had the time to read the lot, because you have a crisp clean style. The problem I had with the original game was that you don't know exactly what force took down the Endar Spire beyond the few fighters shown in the opening scene, which, if you have read history from WWII, might have been able to blow a frigate away by themselves.

I noticed your comment that you were following the scenes pretty much as written, and that actually detracted from your style. Having Carth or Trask give advice regarding other parts of the game such as shields or slicing was done so a newbie gamer realizes they are options. In real life, as you showed with other things, it's all up to the character fighting for their lives. Explaining what she did to use a secondary system to power the door for example was good. The end scene in the pod was funny because I know there was somewhere other than his lap to sit.

Pick of the Week

Hell and Back


Post TSL on Dantooine: Two old friends consider not the battle, but what they were fighting for in microcosm.

The piece is a nice little slice of life. The battles are over, and they merely watch two children play, knowing it is what the whole battle was for. The only negative I could see was totally removing the Force from Dantooine as if it were a storage battery drained by all of the fighting.

Pick of the Week


Post KOTOR: Some lies must be told...

The piece has a darkside ending with a male Revan, but you don't know that until the end. But love still bridges the gap between the Darkside and the light in this piece.

Pick of the Week

Best Intentions

Ten years before the Mandalorian Wars: A young Iridonian goes through the day he becomes a man.

The piece is very well done except for the flash forward needed conversation breaks.

The look into the life of the Zabrak of Iridonia is excellent. Reading it I got a feeling of a modern group of Native Americans using recorded drums, with the shaman who has other duties during the day giving each boy his own ritual to match the old ways. Having a force sensitive finding this specific boy's path is excellent.

Pick of the Week

Not Some Fabrication
Even Gods Dream

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Where does the dream end?

The piece is both gently loving and terrifying. The Exile goes through loving one man, murdering another, and waking up to find that it hasn't happened.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Pick of the Week


Back Up: The Refugee Sector

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Following a dream, Carth goes to find the man in it

The piece has a mystery element to it until the dream is explained. The idea that everyone in the cantina he visits it makes it perfect.

Memento Vivere
Revan's Pet Duck

TSL on Malachor V: As the last two survivors of the crew fight to escape, they have both agreed they will not die.

The piece was well done, though sad. The line Jiara liked reminded me of the movie Thor which I saw two weeks ago. Thor commenting that he didn't plan to die, and Heimdall replies 'No one ever plans on it.”


TSL on Citadel Station: He doesn't ask to go, only that she stay a little longer

The piece is poignant in it's sadness. Like her friend, the Exile must go on alone from this point. But the one man she truly cares about must stay behind...

Pick of the Week


TSL on Telos: The Eldest Handmaiden has some disturbing thoughts.

If you have read my own Return From Exile and the Beginning, you will notice that I have tried to dig deeper into the mindset of the Echani because sadly, there is little in Canon about them beyond their making their own weapons and armor and physical descriptions. We know more about Ithorian society than we do about this now defined as near human race.

Crystal has done what I did, fleshed out the attitudes behind that face, given us a deeper understanding not only of the specific situation, but the main characters view of it; an important point when discovering why a specific race does anything.

As an historical example, there are three things to bring to mind. First, Americans had little understanding of Japanese society before the Second World War. We knew they were Asian, and not a whole lot more. This went both ways. Second; In one of his 'The Corps' books, A character said it best as an analyst; The reason the Japanese were still using codes we could break two years into that war was because they believed their codes were too subtle for the Western mind to comprehend. The fact that Operation Magic worked was because of that arrogance.

Last, when the Raiders struck at Makin Island, the prisoners captured were executed. Yet while the Americans were incensed by this, the Admiral (Admiral Abe) required that the executions be done using all the proper forms for a respected warrior under Bushido. They were given the proper last meal, the executioners were warrant officers; in other words, superior in rank to the executed, and it was done on 16 June, which to the Japanese people is considered very honorable; it is during the festival of Mitama Matsuri when all of the souls of warriors are honored at the Yakasuni shrine, and newly dead are enrolled.

Remember the movie 'The Last Samurai' when the disgraced General is executed? The only person on the field superior in rank to him was the leader of the rebels, who acted as his second when he committed Seppuku; a high honor under Bushido. If you wish, check out Google for the term and see what Bushido requires for a failed officer. It will turn the Western stomach, but is considered the norm. Think of a German or Japanese soldier dying in the US during that war, and being buried at Arlington with full appropriate military honors from their nation.

In return for their 'honorable' treatment of these men, the Admiral and two junior officers were hung for murder at the order of a second lieutenant.

Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

Storytime with Grandpa
Darby Ogill

40 Years Post TSL:Granddad has some interesting stories...

The piece is interesting first because it's a Bao-Mira pairing. We get to see the patriarch of three generations regaling his grandchildren about the mission that brought him and hisw wife together, with a lot of humor and love involved. His version of how the ended up marrying is funny because you see him in it as a clueless Barve caught ready to be served for dinner, while the truth is not even close to it.

Pick of the Week

Malachor V

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: Let it end today

I have a highly retentive memory, and the scenes before the battle remind me of 'The Longest Day' where the fighter pilot played by Richard Burton blows up about when the invasion is going to start, yet ends the scene with 'as long as they wait until I finish my beer'. The Exile here like that man after over four years just wants the waiting to be over.

The fun part was the byplay, the young man who curses every other word, enjoying it when the general slips.

The battle was well done, both in space and on the ground, the terror of the Mass Shadow Generator driving them both insane for moments.

Looking at the aftermath, three Republic ships departing, I am reminded of one of the supposed quotes from King Pyrhus of Epirus after the battle of Asculum where he supposedly said '"If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined."

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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