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Old 09-02-2012, 09:11 PM   #1298
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Deos et Mortabilus

Non SW: An observer of the human race may have delved too deep

While only an intro, it does have possibilities. One minor quibble; man suggests that the observer is himself human. While we assume genders for say angels, they are not humans by definition, so having one angel ask the 'man' whose post he has assumed would be incorrect.

The way around this would be to simply say he had asked the Cusgard before him.

Going on about angels for example, the descriptions have always been of a being that is beautiful, but androgynous. That is why the actress Tilda Swinton who played Gabriel (A male) in Constantine was good for the role.

Kill John (Chapter 1)

Imperial Era: An assassin is sent after a target

I have said it before, and I repeat, one thing you need is someone to beta read and edit your work.

'Give me the same drink I had drink yesterday'. should be Give me the same drink I had (to)drink yesterday. and the following sentence should merely be 'What did you drink yesterday?'. when he says he was drunk the next sentence, 'I had already drink a bottle or two' would be smoother if you had said I had already (had a few) but remember that using White's law (A writing tip for a professional) never use two sentences when you need only one, (Even corrected using both sentences are redundant) Never use two words when you need only one, and never use a long word when a short one will do.

Also, just saying it was from Naboo is like the comment in the old Star Trek episode when Scotty is drunk enough that he can't identify a beverage, and just says, 'It's Green'. If I walked into a local bar, and started the conversation as you did, I would be handed a list for most nations instead of the bartender saying, 'Ah, that'.and it isn't you drink three, it is you drank three.

The fight scene and the intro to it doesn't work. If someone tried such an obvious protection racket opening in what I have seen of the Star Wars universe, they would have found themselves covered from every part of the room by customers that don't want their drinking disturbed. It's like the stereotypical scene where stupid crooks try to rob the bar the local cops hang out in.

Also why is a man who is standing going to stab his opponent in the foot? He has a knife, not a sword, so he would literally have to bend over, making himself an easy target. Instead he could cut the arm or slice across the chest, cutting the clothing and not the man if he is any good. Or he could have just thrown his knife into the foot if that is your preferred target.

It would be He died a month ago, not 'before a month'. Also 12PM is automatically noon just as 12 AM is midnight, so it doesn't have to be explained. 'what is the Job of this guy' should be 'what does he do for a living', or 'where does he work'. Last in the intro section the word in brackets is redundant.'enters (inside) a strange building'. Also, what makes the building strange? Is it something that doesn't fit the neighborhood? In Japan for example, you'll have a bunch of towering skyscrapers and in among them some little family house or farm where the owner refused to sell, and still lives there as a break in the panorama. A building can seem ominous, as in that it has no windows looking into the street the observer is on. Give us more than just 'strange'.

The basic idea is good, but without a beta reader, you make it a chore to read your work. I had to go back a couple of times or read the sentence over just to figure out what you were saying.


A Life-Debt Unpaid
Light Speed Tangent

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira fights for her life

The piece needed editing. Primarily because the battle didn't make a whole lot of sense out of game context. As much as they used mines with varying effects, ice, gas, etc, in real life they don't make a lot of sense. If you know an enemy might use poison gas, you make sure to have a gas mask as part of your standard equipment. Same with smoke, carry a set of IR goggles. That is why in modern usage you have smoke (Primarily as a marker) incendiary, flash bang and frag.

It's such a quiet thing to fall—Atton
Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Who is the hunter and who is the hunted?

The piece is like all of BAM's work, interesting and with surprises.

I hate it when the next scene is so obvious I know what will happen. I love to be surprised. So this one did just that. The idea that the last Jedi Atton supposedly killed was still alive, and who she was shocked me.

And I loved it.

Pick of the Week

A Jedi's Heart

approximately five years Post TSL on Dantooine: Revan and the Exile will be returning... Is it time to finally tell him?

A member of a militia is a militiaman.

The piece is a bit surprising in the pairing. The idea that she has waited all this time only to discover he loved her as well was good. The statement given to Mical by the Exile was poignant; it's the part about holding no love that has always been a problem for me with the Jedi beliefs.

Echani Wisdom

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: If he won't talk, beat it out of him

The piece is good because both characters are themselves. I played the game with a female character and put up with Mical once before I restarted it and used the mod to have Brianna instead, and was much more satisfied. After all, I like the Echani race very much, and when I create a character of that race, they are always live to me.

Since as Brianna says several times, her people judge you only in conflict, and having this be a knock down drag out sparring match makes wha she does learn even more interesting. The ploy Atton uses to stop her from asking more questions; kissing her, was well done, and didn't surprise me at all, though her later reaction did a bit.

Pick of the Week

The Many Levels of Maintenance
Darby OGill

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Fixing things in more ways than one.

As another reviewer commented, it took me a moment to figure out what Bao was doing, and watching it was fun. I really can't accept the last few lines for only one reason; having Atton just suddenly ignore the mind trick sounded to me more like he had finally caught on and was getting even, especially with his clueless act.

Another reviewers comment that the Exile would use buy me chocolate was also fun.

Pick of the Week

Smoking Buddies
Revan's Pet Duck

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Korriban: Another way to pass the time.

I notice that more and more, people are linking Death Sticks to cigarettes. The first time I did it was when I got frustrated with one of those vehement nonsmokers who act as if you've just dumped plutonium dust into the air; which is the premise of the 'dirty bomb' we all worry about.

It was a fun way to get these characters together amicably without, as an other reviewer commented making them best buds or bed buds.

Finding Destiny
Inconspicuous Acuity

During the Jedi Civil War: Looking into several people's lives.

The piece had a few rough spots for me. First the Jedi passing out the equivalent of religious tracts. When I read the scene, I suddenly pictured Obi Wan Kenobi, and Anakin Skywalker in suits knocking on someone's door like Jehovah's Witnesses. Or like the old 'Prop 10' Commercials in California where they spent a lot of money the first two years on ads to explain why the tax was important while a couple of billion dollars ended up in the State coffers to be 'borrowed' for other projects.

The problem with it of course is that the Jedi is not like a church you can join. Anyone without the ability to learn would be like blind people wondering what this talk of sight is all about.

The other is the idea that Nar Shaddaa is nothing more than a combined game preserve and hiding place.

The basics are good beyond that.

The Juggernaut
Auros Sopherai

During the Mandalorian Wars: As the war goes on, people change, and not for the better

The piece had some grammar problems, senator's instead of senators for example.

It was a unique view of the war, that at Revan's behest, they allowed their own version of Pearl Harbor just to force the enemy to overextend. The idea that the Mando'a would ignore it if the Republic captured their home world fits with the view I have of them; Like the Spartans that disdained building a wall around their capital, because to their mind the army was that wall.

As the author said at the end, there are those who think Arren Kae became Kreia, I am among them. But as the author said, if she is, whatever happened to cause the change happened there.

Tales of KOTOR: Downfall

Pre KOTOR: The capture does not go easily

The piece is a sweeping panorama of the battle with ships blasted as others fight on. But Revan is focused on other things. The pace is well done, the carnage well wrought.

Pick of the Week

An unexpected memory
Bald As Malak

TSL enroute to the Exile: Visas uses a dream to fuel her wish to die

The piece lets us see more of Visas, and what we see is someone desparate to die, holding onto fragile memories she somehow siphons away from Nihilus. She wants normality like a slave wishes freedom.

Pick of the Week

Holding the Line
Darth Garak

Mandalorian wars on Balmorra: One prisoner sees the heart of his opponents

Only one editing comment; you need to remember to sight edit because of will pass a spell check, even if you meant off as you did.

I started out not liking this work; I always hated reading about the trench warfare of the First World War; not because I could not understand why the trenches were necessary, but because of the arrant stupidity of the high command on the Allied side where you had futile attempts to break the line by running men across it against machine guns.

But that changed when the Republic prisoner is shown the Mando'a heart. We see that while they are faceless monsters in uniform, they are just men like we are. All too often in war stories, the enemy are monsters with no redeeming values, which makes your fighting them a duty to the species. But it is because that author refuses to accept that others can have the same values as your own society does.

That is why my favorite movies of the last decade or so were Avatar and The Last Samurai.

Pick of the week

Beauty From Pain

Several years Post KOTOR: The twin children of Bastila and Revan go to find their father

The piece is a bit dry, and the prologue was unsatisfying. Usually this means I don't read any further, but in this case I made an exception.

I was glad I did.

The prologue just set up cardboard characters who were just there, doing whatever cardboard does. But the first and second chapters brought them to vibrant life. The balance of having Alex (The sister) giving her father the same look his fiancee might have, then having Xander (The brother) punching out his father because after all they have imagined, they find someone who starts lecturing him like the other parent. A poignant scene that made me wish the author had gone on with it.

Perhaps you will?

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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