Coruscant Entertainment Center
the phrase 'came to return' was confusing I would suggest 'came back' or 'returned', but not both. If they panic under fire troops usually need time to get themselves organized again so using it to point out how an advance can be slowed made sense.
Technical: With the birth of special ops units, the FAO (Forward Air Observer) has pretty much been retired below Brigade level. These days, every team has more than one person qualified to direct air support. The problem here was you had no such strike missions; helicopter gunships or their equivalent do not need an FAO, because they are observing the fight in real time. Second, your air support doesn't have any high performance aircraft like the enemy deploys.
This is not a major problem; American attack helicopters routinely carry anti-aircraft missiles of the Stinger type, and it has been proven in combat that when air to air combat devolves to helicopter vs jet, it is whoever gets a missile off first who wins. However few aircraft fly low enough to get hit with a grenade, so having one shot down by the infantry doesn't make a lot of sense.
Gjalt Hegemony - Religion and Mythology
NSW: Treatise on gods of a created race
All right, I understand you are working on this, but to have a vote on which three gods are preeminent every decade is confusing. First, which priest is going to vote for someone else's god? If you are just having them vote by numbers look at what would happen world wide here. Between them, the Catholics and Islam would win all of the slots because you have to figure in the Eastern Orthodox in the voting. The protestants would be hard pressed to get that last slot, since the demographics world wide are about 40% either Catholic or Eastern Orthodox, 30% Islamic, and less than fifteen percent Protestant with about the same Hindu or Buddhist.
KotOR Luvers Community!
Set Course to Random
Post TSL: Read the warning label...
The piece started out just funny, and went from there to Bizarre. Having someone just punch 'random' into the navcomputer reminds me of a scene in 'Venus on a Half-Shell' where the main character tells his computer he wants to go to Heaven, only to discover that there was a planet settled by the Chinese that had named it Heaven in Chinese.
From there as I said, it went bizarre with T3 wearing a toupe, the crew dancing with Darth Vader, G0T0 TPing the ship, then ends with a very funny punchline.
Into the Darkness
Bloody White Rabbit
Post TSL: The Jedi Council gets a frantic message from the Unknown Regions.
The piece needs polishing more than anything else. Some of the wording feels wrong and the action in the second section is being pushed too hard. Jolee's character was OOC to me because while he does ramble into stories, he does focus when something has to be done.
A Jedi's life is Sacrifice after all
Bloody White Rabbit
Time indeterminate, but during KOTOR series: A Jedi give up her home life for what she must do
It is undetermined which game it is in because as the Author (And I) feel, Revan would have been as good if not better as a woman. The angst of having to leave finally for the Unknown Regions is well portrayed.
Atton the Monster
Bloody White Rabbit
TSL through the game: Atton sees the Exile as his anchor
The piece spans from Peragus to the end of the game and beyond. The author's view, that the Exile would bear his child is well done. You get the view that even if the child's mother dies, the legacy will live on.
During the Mandalorian Wars: The concept of the shadow mass generator is created
The interesting point is that the author places the original onus for the concept not on Bao-Dur, but the Exile. While the Exile can be played as a tech, I can't see her becoming a front line General because of it. In real life such a General ends up attached to a secret research facility as far from combat as possible, because they are more important in a lab than in the front lines. Just one of the niggling things that bothered me about the basic story of TSL.
For example until the close approach of the Russians the scientists developing the V2 were in Peenemunde until the Allies found out where they were, and was relocated to Nordhausen when the Russians approached it.
However the idea that she would have been there when it was deployed was logical.
Fire And Darkness
Shadow Of The Storm
TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why does she choose such losers?
The piece focuses of the Exile, but primarily on the relationships she gets into, and not in a good light. Chapter one, which I have read, covers Atton's admission, and her reaction. Her original reaction is a very human one, her later one more a woman unsure of her emotions. This is one I wished I could read through.
The Emerald Gate- Chapter One: An Unknown Land
Post TSL: Bao Dur crashes on an odd planet
The piece flows well, but we know little as yet of what is happening. Using Bao Dur makes it like the start of the Wizard of Oz.
Nights of the New Republic
TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: So Mical does that?
The piece was fun in an odd way. Having Mical be a secret writer was cute enough, and having Atton start the conversation pretty much accusing him of viewing internet porn perfectly in character. As for 'spacing the scoundrel, there are times I agree with Mical about that...
Ice Roses: Destination
Post TSL: Now they have a destination
The primary problem with this piece was that the fight scene felt contrived. The build up to the actual fight made little sense as the thieves spent too much time talking. The teenager's reaction was well done when you find he is Mando'a; 'oh dear, idiots trying to rob me'.
However when the fight does begin, it becomes less real. First, a rifle is slung, not attached to a belt. You have three men facing him, and they are close enough that one has to take a few steps to hit him with a blade, yet you have two others shooting and missing at the same distance. Remember you are staging this in an alley, and most alleys are not that large.
Ice Roses: Pilot
Post TSL: Looking for a pilot, Winter finds an unanticipated one.
The piece flowed well, and the characters are fleshing out well. Corran's knee-jerk reaction to the idea of hiring Kreios who we met in the last chapter is a bit stereotypical of some hick fresh off the farm, but as a writer once said, they have stereotypes for a reason.
The bar scene was a bit rushed, but having it be Dustil helps move the story along. The internal dialogue of Winter remembering her master's comments as she approaches Dustil was well done. It seems the force is working to help her mission.
Life and Times of AR
Pre Mandalorian Wars: Atton Rand as a young man
The piece has a nice feel to it, though there was some grammar problems, savor instead of savior for example. The escape was good, and Rayce commenting several times that he didn't want Niben to kill Atton, at least not in his apartment balanced perfectly with his shock at not only spraying Juma all over the place, but killing a 16 year old bottle at that makes him almost like Felix Unger from the Odd Couple.
Pick of the Week
Post TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: She's what?
Stint is a time of service, and prefect a rank.
One thing, remember not only conversation breaks but paragraph breaks as well. Think of a story like a road going from one place to another. The paragraph breaks are like the intersections, and the conversation breaks are the road signs. What you did here was create your road, but you have a lot of construction slowing down traffic.
The concept was fun, a practical joke within another joke.