First off, it's nice to see a fellow French author writing in English - you don't meet too many of these. Pour l'expression "j'en mettrai ma main à couper", je pense que l'équivalent le plus proche serait quelque chose comme "I'd stake my life on it", littéralement "je gagerais ma vie là-dessus". Mais détails, détails...
I'll write the rest in English, let's not be rude to the others.
I like your style, the writing is good and the English flows well enough. The premise is interesting and you balance well dialogues with description. I think the main thing you might want to work on is your paragraphs - you start a new paragraph with every single sentence and it's a little unsettling for the reader.
Some sentences are phrased a little awkwardly, this one for instance :
"He was surprised by that question, but it quickly changed into confusion"
It would sound more natural if you wrote, say, "His surprise at the question soon turned to confusion". Just an exemple.
There are also a few minor mistakes, like this one :
"If only there was more places like this in the galaxy."
It's "if only there were", since it's plural.
But really, it's the kind of minor mistakes that will disappear gradually as you get more practice, so the best way to improve that is just to keep writing.
"She sighed deeply as she remember many of her Jedi friends,"
There's a little problem here, a minute ago we were in Revan's head and now we're in Arren Kae's. Head-hopping is not a good idea generally speaking, as it confuses the reader, so personally I find it best to pick one point of view and stick to it, at least for a given scene. That doesn't mean you can't tell the same scene from the point of view of two different people, but don't switch back and forth all the time.
Overall I liked it, pre-fall Revan is always an interesting character and I liked how you managed to convey his curiousity and open-mindedness, as well as Arren's conflict. I always imagine Revan to be more wilful and determined, but I tend to forget people aren't born that way, and the war probably contributed a great deal to forging the steel in Revan's personality... the story flowed well enough, and the beginning is enticing and makes us want more. I'd be interested to read more of it !
Et si tu veux discuter de techniques d'écriture, Kotor, fanfics, grammaire anglaise et autres, n'hésite pas à m'envoyer un message, c'est toujours sympa de discuter avec quelqu'un qui partage mes centres d'intérêt.
Last edited by Akyra; 11-17-2012 at 10:52 PM.