Thread: [NSW-Fic] Thorüsa: Prologue
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Old 11-17-2012, 11:21 PM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 7
Well, I read this as you requested, and here's my opinion.

As far as the writing itself goes, there's nothing much to criticize. You're from the US so I assume English is your first language, and there is no problem with the style. It flows well, the sentence structure is fine, the description is vivid.

The concept is good as well, I find it original and enticing. The concept of life-beyond-death and such has been explored before, by Werber most notably, but not quite in this fashion, and I think it has potential.

There is however a problem, I think, with the way the introduction is built. I can see what you're doing - you're trying to explain the world you've created so that the reader may understand what is happening. The problem is that you are trying to explain too many things, too fast. We (the reader) end up feeling a little lost, juggling with these new concepts as well as getting to know the main character, plus the specific situation that character is in. A confused reader is not going to be able to empathize with the main character... also, you don't want to show all your cards too fast. Keep some of the mystery going, that is what makes the reader want to read further.

It is a precarious balance, I'll be the first to admit. You have to say enough so that the reader understand what is going on, but not too much. An exemple I read about once was Robin Hobb's use of the Art in the Royal Assassin novels - she never says what it is or what it does. She just shows it as the novel progresses. It keeps the reader curious, on their toes, and with their minds working to puzzle it out.

I assume this is an original novel you're working on - if so, I think you're on the right track. Just try not to drown the reader in too much information too soon, and this could be a smashing piece.
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