View Single Post
Old 12-29-2012, 10:23 AM   #1317
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Thorüsa: Disturbances

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters ten of an ongoing work, the Inquisitor's art

The piece is flowing well. I notyice the author has seen the strength of every witch trial, Red Hunt, or inquisition; it isn't the one person being tormented now, it's those who you can later torment that this person will give you. It is also good to find out that her teacher's theory, that someone in this realm can definitely be heard, meaning living people can be warned. Then again, the churchmen's idea that any such voice is automatically evil does pose a problem

There Is No Emotion
Little Green Kitten

KOTOR escaping from Endar Spire: The story begins...

The piece needs polishing, but that and one other are the only negatives I can honestly say. The other is technical. The writing is a bit stilted, but that comes with practice.

Technical, Shipboard: Remember that as one professional writer said a few decades ago, the minute there was a different group called sailors, they immediately created their own slang to differentiate them from landsmen, and that came from the unique conditions of a ship at sea. For a more detailed explanation, go to Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

One thing specifically; as an example, on a warship every crewman is issued a life jacket, or has one readily available. In that future it would be a space suit of some kind. That is his 'one man lifepod'. There are lifeboats aboard along with life rafts, but they are designed to carry between 10 and fifteen people each. The lifepods we get to see in the Clone Wars TV series for example appear to have space for that many readily.

For a first work, this isn't too bad.


TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The fighting just has to stop...

The piece was fun to read, though I did't get more than the first chapter into it. Having Mical suddenly kiss the Exile surprised me a bit, and having Atton blow up at the sight fit the female Exile-Atton relationship sequence readily.


KOTOR on Lehon: A chance decision leads to a later confrontation

The piece had a few flaws, having Mission nibble on 'his' lip, that kind of thing.

The idea that Carth would just run away leaving his shipmates to their fate bothered me in the Game too, and having someone create a youtube cutscene having Carth facing a darkside Revan aboard the Star Forge was an excellent starting point. The only real problem I had was with continuity...

How did Revan and Bastila pass Carth without the trio noticing each other?

To Teach Atton to Dance

TSL probably on Dantooine: Who is he trying to impress?

The piece was fun, especially Mira's conditions. Using the analogy of the way the Force moves works very well.

Pick of the Week

The Story of Jonas Ra

Mandalorian Wars to the present: A special unit is deployed to protect two Jedi

The basic idea is good, though doesn't really fit the genre. After all, the Jedi are supposed to be highly efficient warriors, why are they deploying a special team to protect them when there are probably hundred of thousands even millions that are not being given such protection?

Star wars Republic commando: blood staind armor

Star Wars Republic Commandos: Arrival on Geonosis

The problem is there isn't enough to really get a good feel for the author's work. It's not even an introduction, just a paragraph.

The Deigo
Amma Moto

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Carth meets an odd denizen of the Shadowlands.

I didn't have a chance to read very far into it, but it did have an interesting premise.

10 Things I Hate About You
Amma Moto

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Solomon would have said to hell with it and had a drink...

The piece is totally confusing, Revan is so busy being Dark Helmet rather than herself, and Carth couldn't win if it were his own deck of cards.

I liked it.

Pick of the Week

The Lost Knight

Three Weeks Post TSL: The Lost Jedi must find all those other lost

Remember to finish sentences, it's 'in spite (of) the noise'. This is a problem I have sometimes, writing so fast that I forget words that belong.

The piece had some interesting twists; having the first act of these Jedi attempting to discover clues to others being a case of Grand Theft, Mical trying to be suave and debonair with Visas not having a clue as to what he intends.

Battle Lullaby
Saiyan Angie

The piece is a scene of mayhem and slaughter worthy of a Samurai movie. The only jarring note is that this is our Exile, yet it appears she has all of the capabilities, just not her lightsaber.

At The End of All Things

One Year Post TSL: The Exile finally finds her old companion, as those she left behind have their own problems

The piece is poignant, two friends who find themselves again allied, but at a terrible price to themselves. Unfortunately I couldn't read much. I really wanted to.

Pick of the Week

Dark Side

KOTOR Dream Sequence: Revan remembers

The piece is too short to get a good feel for the author's style, except for one thing... You really don't need more than a single exclamation point or question mark.

Shadow of a Smile

TSL aboard Ravager: A crewman finds that he can never be free of his master

The piece is dark, with no relief. The speaker ends up literally addicted to the Sith Lord. Even in death his spirit seeks out that drug yet again.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,