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Old 01-11-2013, 09:15 AM   #1320
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Still haven't moved, so I did my reviews a little early

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Sand and War
Yukub

NSW Fic: A soldier writes a letter home

The piece is short, more a prologue than anything else. There is almost no character development.

The one trend I like in more recent movies and fiction is the idea that humans are not necessarily the good guys. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Clear and Present Danger, while we called the effort to get drugs off the street the war on drugs, historically there have been only two real wars linked directly to drugs, and in both cases it was the English using Opium to pay for commodities bought in China, and forcing the Chinese to accept it in payment.

Write more.

Thorüsa: Midgame
MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters twelve to 14 of an ongoing work, Decisions on who to rescue...

The continuing view of the story is very interesting because of the concept that the rituals of their priests do actually interfere with the 'demonic' influences, though like any repressive religion, their view of what is evil is very broad. When you find the sister the 'leech' seeks, there's a brief discourse on past rebellions against their religion. I was interested in the number of them. Like the Original Catholic Church, there is a lot of unrest beneath the surface...

Pick of the Week for work overall.

Fanfiction.net

Knights of the Old Republic: The Unknown Regions
The Lemon Thrower

Post TSL: Now the Exile has her new mission. But first, she must research Revan

The piece is well wrought; the bone deep weariness of the last battle comes across but more is to come. I didn't have a chance to read the other two chapters; I rarely do. But this one looks to be worth the effort.

Pick of the Week

Some Minor Irritation
Niobe Asha

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Somethings just make you forget what you were going to say

It was short and sweet, and that comment above is all I can think of to say about it. As a single scene in a much larger work, it would have been excellent.

Dark Lord Rising
Niobe Asha

Pre KOTOR: A Shakespeare quote brought to life

The end surprised me a bit. Specifically that Revan had already fallen when the last battle occurred, since her contacts with the Sith shouldn't have occurred yet. Historically, this would be like Benedict Arnold deciding to turn traitor the instanat he was put in charge of West Point. Way too short, but it gets you.

Stars
Niobe Asha

PreKOTOR: Two young girls spend quality time together

The problem with it is like everything I've read from the author, it's way too short.

First Dreams
Auros Sopherai

Beginning of the Mandalorian Wars: Canderous takes the first steps toward becoming Manda'Lor, but at a price

The piece had some flaws, primarily grammar, but it was well wrought and compelling.

Technical notes: Usually I spend these pointing out errors, and this will be no exception, but here I also have praise for the portrayal of the Mando'a society. It is reminiscent of the Spartans in that trusted Helots, those slaves from Non Spartan cities, actually fought alongside their putative masters sometimes to the death. Of course here as in real life you have those who look down on those people just because of their status.

Also you added the idea that the various Clans are opponents often enough that only Manda'lor could call them together in peace.

Negative one: Not even the Spartans put a Helot in command of 'real' Spartans. Minor point, but true.

Negative two: While you had a good explanation as to why their IR wasn't operating at the start, it wouldn't have continued into the next day. Oh I'll admit the specific spot where the plasma hit would still be hot perhaps days later, but as with say an incendiary weapon, the blast would not go that far from that target site.

Very well done

Pick of the Week

Lost Twice Over
Sandra Evans

Post TSL: Sometimes talking to a stranger in a bar helps...

The only negative I found was the jump from his sorrows in the apartment to the bar without a break. In fact I actually hit the page up button just to make sure I hadn't missed one.

The two characters were well written and clearly defined, and having Carth figure out that it's Atton he's speaking to was choice. Seems three guys were in love, all lost, and all hang at the same bar.

Pick of the Week

Forgive and Forget
Muhnemma

KOTOR on Korriban: With Revan exhausted from the fight for the last Star Map, Carth makes his move.

The piece did and didn't surprise me. First, having Carth decide to kill her made sense of a sort, though his blithe 'we'll deal with Malak without you' was a little flat. Whistling in the dark to my mind considering the hell they later went through on Lehon.

Having her accept his decision also made sense. In my own version of the Korriban mission I had Revan herself instruct her crew to create a gauntlet even she could not pass if she fell on the planet, with a multilayer defense designed by all of her people, and removed from the minds of anyone who might leak it to her.

If interested, it's located at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > KOTOR excerpts > page 3 > post 106 and 119.

The only line I didn't agree with was the 'I loved him, but when he wouldn't let it go, I didn't love him anymore' idea.

Pick of the Week

The Path of an Exile
EmeraldDragon951

Post TSL on Dantooine: With their main mission completed, the Exile and his disciples now begin to build anew. But the enemy is watching...

Some grammar problems, but nothing that can't be fixed by a sight edit.

While the idea of infiltrating some of your own Sith into the mix works as a basic premise, I can't see anyone with any serious training doing it unless you use a sleeper agent who doesn't know he is one, ala the book Telefon by Walter Wager. Anyone who would try would be readily detected in time due to something as simple as attitudes.

Technical note: Changing out lightsaber crystals in the game uses a workbench. While I think it would probably be easy enough using basic hand tools, I can't see someone just popping it open like replacing a magazine of ammunition in a firearm.

Meditations On Malachor
All The Umbrellas In London

At the end of the Mandalorian Wars: Different Jedi view the last battle in their own ways

Wrong words used some times, wonder instead of wander for example.

Technical note: Vandar did not to use the euphemism, Yoda-speak

The biggest problem with the scenes on Coruscant is as I mentioned, Vandar does not speak like Yoda. Also, condemning the Exile out of hand does not make sense. That was part of the reason I didn't like the 'trial' scene in TSL.

Burned by the fires of a Galaxy aflame
Kendoka Girl

KOTOR spanning from Dantooine on: The adventure begins

The piece is well done, portraying in the first chapter the final moments before the young man puts on his robes and accepts the Jedi order.

Letting Go
OnlytheForce

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile deals with the death of Atton.

A well written emotional display of one of the cut scenes from the game.

Our Minds Are Mist
The Masked Bandit

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: The crew works to prepare for the next confontation

The piece (At least the first chapter) needs some editing and polishing. First, remember possessives (Ship(')s latest, Davik(')s Ebon Hawk. Second remember to have spacing after punctuation. Third reread your sentences to make sure they say what you mean; 'He had been using blasters for his entire time on Taris,that he welcomed the chance to ge to grips with a different weapon' only makes sense if you think about it.

When some is reading your work, you don't want them trying to work out what your sentences mean. You want them reading and visualizing what is happening. I tend to liken the flow of a story to a river. What you want is a slow smooth ride except for when you have action, when it's choppy, or even white water. Not sand bars that hang the reader up trying to figure out where to go next, or disrupting the tranquil scene.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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