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Old 04-29-2013, 10:15 AM   #1336
machievelli
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Squadron Legacy, Chapter 9; Rewrite
Sithspecter

Mandalorian War era: Chapter 9 of an ongoing work, rewritten.

Remember editing. You used though instead of thought for example.

Nice to see you back. The piece is nice and tightly written, concentrating on survival and evasion is right up there with the way SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) is taught.

A much better read

Pick of the Week

Return of the Dwarves
Scorge

Set in Tolkein's Middle Earth: As some Dawrves prepare for a coming mission they have a slight problem...

You're still forgetting conversation breaks. Remember that as the readers, we will get confused by rapid turns of conversation, especially when we aren't sure if the speaker has changed. I got dinged a few times in my own longer works not because I forgot breaks, but because I did not denote who was speaking. If I am using breaks and they are confused, how confused do you think they are without them?

Technical, Genre: A description of a group of dwarves don't really require a physical portion beyond maybe beard/hair color and length. All of them are short, and broad with beards. The one Author who has fun with that (Both sexes having beards) is Terry Pratchett who joked in one book that part of their sexual education is figuring out what sex the other dwarf is if they are attracted to them.

If you read his books starting with Feet of Clay, he has had a sexual revolution where his female Dwarves are coming out of the mines as it were by proclaiming they are female, right down to make up and feminized mining tools. In Unseen Academicals they even have the opening of the first dwarf oriented clothing shop, though calling anything made of metal (primarily chainmail) clothing is human mind boggling.

Technical, Dwarf dwellings: Except in Ankh Morpork in that series, dwarves tend to live in huge numbers, and underground as much as possible. Think of a modern bunker leading to an underground base. So having only the seven of your party the only occupants doesn't make sense.

While the Hobbit has the dragon Smaug capture the Lonely Mountain from them, they have excellent defenses, and the average dragon would avoid them because while hard to kill, dragons can be trapped in a tight place where they can not move quickly. Having studied mythology including dragons, the only way I could see for Smaug to have succeeded would be if Tolkien had been using a more Eastern version of a dragon. Most Western (European dragons) are more like the one from Shrek where they are heavier and more solid than the sinuous Chinese or Japanese dragons.

Since a Dwarf mine doesn't need high ceilings as shown in the Lord of the Rings movie, you have something like the comment made in Kelly's Heroes where Clint Eastwood's character is pointing out the problem the Tiger tank drivers have; an open country tank in a town with narrow streets and short sightlines. The larger chambers shown in the movie were probably because they mined out everything at the upper reaches, then downward, leaving the caverns we see.

Of course since the Lonely Mountain was also a mine, the opening was probably widened to allow wagons of goods and ore to be taken out. His lair inside the mountain was described as the old King's Hall, so both his entry and lair would have been accessible to a European Dragon.

So unless there is something to mine, it is unlikely the Darves would be interested.

Technical, personal weapons: While we see mass production and preparation of weapons in the Lord of the Rings, any warrior would care for his own weapon once it leaves the bmacksmith's hands. While you might stop at a village (Or in this case the mine) and have a blacksmith sharpen it for you, you would also more likely do any weapons prep yourself. So handing off their weapons to one member and having him deal with this is unlikely.

The story is far too short to get a good feel for it as yet. One thing; I don't always have time to play 'follow the link'.

Fanfiction.net

Star Across the Nighttime Sky
SeaBreeze

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile deals with unwanted advice, and her own emotions

The piece is short, and to the point. My biggest problem with it is that of all people Kreia is the one least likely to give her good advice in this regard.

I constantly wonder how many Jedi actually cleave tightly to the Code. I cannot see every one of them ignoring every emotional attachment.

The Opposite of Forever
Niki Chidon

Post TSL: A decade after Morgana's death, Carth gets a chance to live again

The piece did something most do not try to do; look at the people who sit at home and wait while the hero of the epic is away going through his adventure. We dob't see a lot of it, mind. Just the last day of Carth being strong, but not falling apart. The catalogue of the injuries he's taken during that time, and the reason Zaalbar wasn't with Revan when he left.

The connections remained strong though, and now they can look forward to some peace. Because as Revan said, the next crisis is someone else's problem.

Chocolate pudding
sleepingthedayaway

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Mira remembers her past thanks to a dish of chocolate pudding

The only negative I have about it is that chocolate is an Earth linked product. However the story was excellent.

Pick of the Week

He and She
Mettiz

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Two people who can't admit their feelings, so they get a little help...

Remember to sight edit. You had several sentences where they needed polishing and editing. 'She had tried numerous times to stop the Ebon Hawk crew to call her that', for example needs to have 'to' removed, and 'call' replaced with calling. The problem your having with this is no biggie; When I start letting the writing flow, I'll do much worse. That's why I always try to edit before posting. Of course I slip too...

Also, remember conversation breaks. Running the words together to get the idea across faster was a fun bit, but add that to no conversation breaks, and it becomes very confusing.

The pairing isn't as odd as the author thinks. I have seen at least a dozen where either a female Revan or Bastila end up in his arms and bed. But locking them in was very fun, expecially when they figured out how and why.

Pick of the Week

Star wars Fate's Saviour
Dream-forger

KOTOR on Dantooine: The new apprentice has a final mission before becoming a Padawan.

The piece needs some polishing, the flow just doesn't feel right. That is why my mantra for every writer (Including myself) is reread, edit, rewrite, polish, repeat.

Technical note: The armor's colors denote their present rank primarily; a simple grunt would have the next color up to show a promotion. But since Mandalorian armor is ubiquitous, the idea that Canderous can automatically identify one man out of the millions that fought for the Mandalorians is a stretch. It would be like say General Patton identifying one man in his 3rd Army by the way he wears his hat.

I only had time to read the first chapter, but it was interesting enough that I wished I had time to read more.

Don't Go
Lightsider

Pre Mandalorian Wars: With the Mandalorian Wars beginning, the soon to be Exile tries to hold on to her friend and lover

The piece was well written apart from some grammer errors (it is a part of something, not apart).

The only negative I have is the final confrontation didn't gel for me. In TSL when they run the recording of the last meeting with the council, they say Revan had contacted her, and now (in their minds) she is going to join in the new crusade. Yet this story gives a time period of more than 18 months during which the sole returning Jedi (Her) had not been judged by them for her actions in the previous war.

Disillusion Tyro
Vangruel

Pre-Mandalorian Wars to TSL: The boy who will one day be Nihilus in training.

The author commented that grammar is a problem, and the spellcheck isn't working, so I will merely repeat my mantra I give to any young writer; reread, rewrite, polish until smooth. What spellcheck might not catch can be caught by using a critical eye, whether it is you doing that editing, or a beta-reader.

Technical notes: Having him be of Spanish descent breaks the 'long ago in a galaxy far, far away' stricture. Using the Spanish words doesn't because theoretically, the word Nada can mean 'nothing' in another language of some planet somewhere. Having his father be a Force User (But of one of the many non-aligned sects) was an interesting aside, but they would have to be known to the Jedi themselves and be accepted within narrow bounds for the Jedi to accept one of their own for training.

Technical notes 2: The one thing Vrook was raking the boy over the coals for, his unnecessary brutality, makes sense, but from that point on it didn't. You have Vrook acting like Grandpa Simpson as he is castigating the boy. In one episode Grandpa claimed Death was coming for him, and spent the rest of the episode pointing at something, and shouting 'Death!”. He's so busy making every reaction come from the Dark Side that I am surprised that he could even teach a single student. You also have teachers too busy to pay attention.

Technical notes 3: If you are going to read the riot act to a student, you do not do it with your door open so others will hear it unless you're going to make it an object lesson for the entire class. Allowing other students to interrupt it also doesn't make sense. Having Vann (Who I assume will one day be Revan) walk up, not only interrupt but have a side conversation with the student, then challenge the teacher is also something that would not logically occur, though questioning the judgement of that teacher by logical questions does. Having Vann heir to some vainglorious title is more Dark Side; after all he is described as in his early teens, making him perhaps a year older than the student. Having a teenager overrule a master and suggesting that a 16 year old be made a Knight also makes little sense, since Anakin in AOTC was 19 and still a Padawan.

Beyond the things I mentioned above, the work has an intriguing appeal to it. I did not have time to read the other nine chapters, but wish I did.

Shattered Dreams
Snarryvader81

Post TSL: Revan returns, but not as Carth had expected

The piece is very well done, and as the author pointed out, it is kinda fun to torture Carth occasionally. I have only two negatives...

KOTOR and TSL are five years apart. We do not have a timeline on when Revan left the Republic, though in this story she is gone for six full Earth years (Explanation for the clarification to follow). It is assumed at the end of TSL that the Exile went in search of her; again, there is not time line for when he departs. So it begs the question, how is the child already five years or more old?

Technical note, Year length: An Earth year is 365.25 days of 24 hours each. This is what we grew up with. But there is nothing that says the year of every planet out there is that length. In David Weber's Honor Harrington Series you have originally three planets in a dual star system, each with different year and day lengths. For example, the planet which was the first they settled has a year of 673.31 local days, but 629.83 Earth days in length (Local days of 23 hours and change), and that is just the beginning of the time keeping problems, because there are two other planets (One with a year of over five T years in length) to add in!

So using Earth's calender doesn't quite work.

Pick of the Week

Revan Was Gone
BananaLollipop17

Post-KOTOR: All he has left is memory

The piece is short and to the point. Carth realizes that as the author said, Revan had merely become better at hiding what she planned.

Pick of the Week


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4057648/1/Proof
Proof
Athena Solaris

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: His final words reveal his heart.

The piece like all of the author's work is a choice slice of life. The farewells are couched as you would expect with two Jedi. The ending line the perfect counterpoint to that departure.

The only negative is the one I constantly rail about with the Master's decision not to intervene... after years of teaching their students that their lives were to be spent on serving the Republic's people, why did they have to go all Delphic Oracle on them in this case?

If you don't understand that last line, remember this. Before the Medes and the Persians went to war, the Medes sent a messenger to ask the Oracle how the war would come out. The reply? 'If you go to war, an empire will fall'. The Oracle was accurate; the Medes fell, and Persia was later able to threaten Greece.

Pick of the Week

The Next Mission
MisfitGirl13

Ten years post-KOTOR: No rest for heroes...

Remember to sight edit, though your primary failure in this regard was misspelling Admiral Dodonna's name.

Technical note: unless you're sending a fleet, this is not a job for an Admiral. You don't send admirals on scouting missions, you never have a lot of them, except in militaries that are bloated as the Republic probably was before the Mandalorian Wars, or at the end of a war where you have a lot of people who get reduced in rank or Riffed because you had to build up your forces. For example George Armstrong Custer attained the rank of Major General during the War Between the States, but when he died at the Little Big Horn, he was only a Colonel. The fact that Carth retains the rank means he was good enough not to end up on the RIF (Reduction In Force) list.

For a scouting mission, you would send a captain or perhaps a commodore; more likely a captain because he is more expendable in the military mind than a flag officer. I didn't get a chance to read the following chapters, so I don't know what force you intend to send; too large a force would be impossible to hide, and too small a force would be eaten alive if they are caught.

As an intro to a third KOTOR it is a good start. I was curious as to how Carth had 'run away' from the Jedi, unless he had the same skill Kreia did to make herself unnoticed. This would have been necessary, as he spent a great deal of time at the Jedi temple of Dantooine and actually traveling with four Jedi on the Original mission without being detected, just as Kreia and later Chancellor Palpatine concealed their actual capabilities without detection.

The idea that Revan hasn't returned out of sheer stubbornness was cute.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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