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Old 05-18-2013, 09:29 AM   #1339
machievelli
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Three Moons: The Pursuit of Happiness
Msficwriter

NSW: First chapter of Three Moon, what do the gods want from us?

The piece was amusing because we have a deep philosophical discussion, but it takes place between two ten year old girls, and they of course want it to be something they understand.

It has potential, kid.

Fanfiction.net

Courtship of the Princess Exile
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: Sequel to the Return

Remember to sight edit, especially locations. In one paragraph you have them hurrying through the streets of the Hapan capital, then describe a location on Coruscant. Also, putting HK on the perimeter security, even just to escort specific people puts the wrong note on the proceeding. Sort of like having a garden party. But allowing your attack guard dogs to run free during it.

Technical note, Ship Types: The type names given to ships has varied wildly even in the last century. For example, the terms Sloop, Corvette and frigate dropped out of usage late in the 19th century, were reintroducied briefly during WWII, then the last two were brought back again in the 70s.

Battle Dragons are a type name in what we would consider the 'Modern' SW universe, the time of Luke Skywalker. What you have portrayed would be like a modern navy building a warship and calling it a Trireme.

I am not saying they might not have had a ship class by that name 4,000 years earlier, but it's even less likely they had a ship type (The difference is a class is the actual run of ships using one design, such as the Iowa class battleships. For example the USS Texas was a New York Class battleship. But while the design and capabilities are different, both are battleship 'types') of that name.

Technical note, Interaction between Hapan Nobles: The scene when she meets her stepmother doesn't really scan. First, from what I have read in the EU, the Hapan nobles are a lot like the old Daiymos of Japan; extremely polite on the outside, yet with hatred of each other concealed underneath it. First, even though she had ruled in the Father's name, the now deposed monarch first does not have the authority to summon the new queen, nor would her bodyguards be ready to attack her. Andria is now Queen Mother, and an attack on her is attempted regicide, which even in the Hapes Cluster, is a capital offense.

Attendants definitely, maybe one or two bodyguards, yes, but being ready to shoot her, no. Even if Andria had died in that room, the old Queen Mother does not have a legal leg to stand on if she tried to resume the throne.

Also, attacking Andria's mother made no sense, she was the previous Queen Mother. Unless you have a death wish, you would not verbally assault the Queen Mother's late mother to her face, or for that matter, the new Queen herself. The history of Queen Elizabeth's reign is replete with people who either ended up imprisoned, banished or executed who insulted Anne Boleyn or Elizabeth as a child once she took the throne.

Andria would be well within her rights (Under either system) to have the woman and any supporters banished, if not from the cluster, then at least from the Capital itself. In fact she could have the lot of them executed for the words the old Queen Mother spoke about both her and her mother.

In the example of Edward VII, who was king, but then became Duke of Windsor, events during WWII suggested to some that he had Nazi leanings. Because of that, he was banished from court and spent most of his remaining life on his estates.

I suggest you read the story of the 47 Ronin to understand their interactions better.

Also the comment that no one was willing to take her place as queen mother made no sense from my reading of either history or the EU. If you remember the movie King Ralph, the primary opponent of the new king was a member of parliament who could trace his lineage back to the House of Stuart, while Ralph's had been traced to the house of Windsor (Though they called it Windom in the movie).

The problem with Monarchy is there is always someone who thinks he can do it better if given the chance. Otherwise Regicide would never be attempted.

For example Edward VI was married at a young age to the daughter of one of his Regency Council, the Lady Jane Grey. When he died before reaching the throne, an attempt was made by the Regency council to place her on the throne, but supporters of Mary I fought until her legitimacy was reestablished as I mentioned in that previous review. As soon as she was on the throne Lady Jane and her father both got to meet the headsman. Later, after the death of Elizabeth, they had to go outside England to Scotland to find the new heir, as Elizabeth died without issue, and putting any of the English born contenders on the throne would have caused another civil war as occurred a century later during the Cavalier-Roundhead era.

The idea that the Alderaan monarch would try for a dynastic marriage made sense, and as much as Atton might have whined, Bao Dur had some truth to his argument. However it wasn't really a matter of what Atton might do, but how Andria reacts to the proposal. Also you're setting the cluster up for a fall. When Mary I died without issue, an attempt was made by English Catholics to declare Phillip of Spain, who had married Mary, the new King. Since the next Monarch was Elizabeth, you can figure out how that turned out.

I Don't Love You
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

Post TSL: The two aren't even in the same book, not to mention the page

The piece was confusing, jumping from one of them to the other without a way to tell who was thinking what. The idea that Atton would throw away one ring, then run out to get another was silly, and letting her break up defeated the purpose, since he could have told her how he felt and spiked her guns.

Fallen-Hero
OBDSW

Clone Wars: A Clone in a battle dies

The piece was too short to get a really good idea of the writer's style. What I am reminded of is a line from the new series Defiance on SyFy network. The main character is trying to convince hs partner that they should go back, fight a battle everyone thinks is hopeless but can possibly be won if they use their latest big score to help. The last exchange was:

“I don't plan on dying!”

“No one does. But it happens anyway”

Lost
Lady Tragic

Post-KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: A good Samaritan helps a little girl

Like a lot of writers I have reviwed in my years the Author turns out work that makes you want to read on. I didn't have time to read more than the first chapter, but I can clearly see the Atton we know talking with some scruffy kid, and stepping out of character briefly to help her.

Pick of the Week

Sewers
HanuuEshe

Kotor on Telos: How did they end up in the sewer anyway?

The piece is mainly dialogue, but every word was pure Mission and Zaalbar. The comment using a forest rather than a knife drawer or pencil box fit if you were using Zaalbar's view of the world.

The interplay between the two gives a much better look at the pairing; Mission's youthful elan, Zaalbar trying to rein her in, but it's like a 98lb old lady trying to walk her 150lb rottweiler without being dragged. The situation is grim, but we the readers know what will follow, so we're not too worried.

Pick of the Week

Reverse Rebirth
Jade Star

Pre-KOTOR: The newly emerged Darth Revan takes up the reins of command

Remember to sight edit. You used weary (Tired) rather than wary (alert), boarders (People boarding) instead of border (Frontier). It's a minor problem that would get passed a spellcheck, so it's not biggie. You also used in tact instead of intact. However you used solstice at one point that made no sense, and chastis instead of chassis, which would not have. Also 'numbered by the hundreds daily, if not thousands daily' could be edited by removing either daily.

That being said, I watched the new Darth literally chastising herself as she became who she would be. There is no remorse for what has happened, or will, merely a person telling herself over and over why it must be.

Pick of the Week

Hyperdrive
Strifekun

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: He wants so many things he cannot have...

The piece is short and deeply introspective.The only thing Atton does not dream is escaping from her orbit.

What To Make of It
Strifekun

TSL on Korriban: How did a cassette recorder end up on Korriban?

Remember conversation breaks, the entire 'taped' dialogue was jammed together into a single confusing paragraph.

The piece made me wonder about your Exile. Her comments about Disciple made me think she was as young as the two on the tape. Taking it with them made some sense, but not much; A cassette recorder is so lo-tech that it reminded me of the scene in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome where he grabs the arm on the old Victorola so the kids can hear what is on the vinyl record one has been carrying.

Right or Wrong
Strifekun

KOTOR, no specific section: She just can't decide

The piece is short, and a bit confusing. Honestly the fact that their names start with the same letter doesn't really matter. When she finally gets into why they are different we see a trend emerging that makes some sense.

War Stories
Strifekun

KOTOR, no specific section: Revan loves to hear him tell stories

I think you meant thing rather than this. But I was left asking was 'believes what'?

KOTOR3: The Beginning of the End
Ticopuma

Remember to sight edit. You used were unstead or we're, focus instead of focused, throughout rather than all over, to instead of two. The sentence that includes 'true factor in the utter despise' doesn't make sense. I would have used utter contempt, because it is after all her Jealousy speaking.

Both women's reaction was more overreaction. I understand why Visas wants to help, but having Brianna willing to threaten her with a fight doesn't excuse Visas Force-choking her opponent.

The first part was confusing with the two women battling it out over who gets to save the Exile, but the intro into the second section was almost so saccharine that it hurt. You description of Revan made no sense. Having someone go from Jedi to Sith to Jedi again is not going to make him universally loved and admired.

The last made even less sense; you use Terentak to torment the prisoner, which would be like say a Roman prison using Bengal Tigers. There are a lot of smaller animals that would be useful for this that wouldn't merely have him ending up as dropping afterward. As an example, in one book a Roman Emperor had his victims bound, then thrown into a pit that had old toothless and declawed lions. Like a house cat. A Lion's tongue is abrasive. The victim would lay there unable to move while the cats would literally lick their bodies bloody.

Lords of the Old Republic
Lord Darth Master

Two hundred and seventy years after the Battle of Yavin: An attack devestates the Order, but who is attacking?

It's midriff, not mid-drift.

It made no sense for a man who is separated by five generations from his namesake to be called the second, unless it is a dynastic order, like the many Henrys and Edwards of England.

A continuity question; having Revan relocate the Star Forge made some sense, but why was Malak's fleet destroyed by him? There would have been hold outs that preferred Malak, or thought they'd take the chance to get rid of Revan, true. But in any sort of strongman order, the new person would not totally destroy the fleet. That onlt happens in rebellions, and even then you don't destroy them all, you only remove those who resisit the new order.

When I saw the blurb about the story, I was a little turned off. Too many people will jump characters from one time to another without rhyme or reason. The two from the past were not in the first chapter, but the battle was well planned, and the one question, where were the other Jedi of the Temple were was adequately explained. The one negative I would have come down on, the stealth field, I will not because this is in the future, and perhaps almost three centuries after the Battle of Yavin, such could have been created.

By the end I was wanting to read on, because the operations as mentioned bespoke a military genius rarely seen.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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