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Old 05-25-2013, 09:57 AM   #1340
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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The Big Fight
Pupshaw21

Set in Star Wars Galaxies: A fight at Mos Eisley

As a first fic, when I read it I immediately looked at the profile because of the the obvious errors I noticed that I will enumerate below. All I have to say about that is; while Cambridge is correct that you can still read the words if the internal structure has been skewed, it does not endear you to the readers, who are automatically going to say 'you can't spell' to themselves.

In actual fact spelling was not codified until Samuel Johnson created his first dictionary in the 18th century, and a well educated man would try to see how many different spellings he could use to show off that knowledge. There are fourteen different spellings of Shakespeare all written by the playwright himself

Now, to work. First you made several redundant statements. Saying Mos Eisley is on Tatooine, is like saying Washinton DC is the Capitol of the US. Anyone who reads the name will immediately know where in the Galaxy the town is. You mentioned doing the quests three times in the first paragraph, and two of those times were redundant. When writing for the reader's enjoyment, remember the rule used by advertising agencies, brevity is best.

When the party decides to get into the free-for-all, a lot of what was said was unnecessary; beyond the division as to which side you would be on, there was little need for explanations as to rankings etc. As for not worrying about dying, since it is a game, it just means you have to start another character.

The fight itself had almost no description at all, and what there was is disjointed. There is also no character development at all. Except for Darth Vader and Jabba, none of the well remembered characters are mentioned, and it is with them, like locations in the SW universe, that you wouldn't need such development. It is like saying your character is using a specific Jedi Lightsaber technique without explaining the differences between them. Or why your specific blaster does X-number of points of damage without explaining what modifications make it that powerful.

Last two; the fight is compressed into a single paragraph, making it a bit confusing to the readers. Finally, you have to remember that in writing, spelling is important, especially since English has a lot of homonyms. Using toke (As in the fight toke place) Doesn't work, because the word toke has it's own meaning, as does took, which should have been used.

Impossible
Layana Danare

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: How can she no love him?

The piece is soft and poignant. Her memories clinging to the man as part of her mind wishes she could physically. I wondered at one point if the way he supposedly makes her name more intimate is in her own mind or reality? If you have ever seen the Japanese Anime series Project A-Ko, in Cinderella Rhapsody (The third movie) a scene where a man merely saying 'thanks' is replayed over and over in the main character's mind, becoming softer, longer, and more intimate every time she remembers it.

Actually I think a Revan-Canderous link up is a good idea. But of course I happen to like and admire the Mando'a.

Pick of the Week

Together
Layana Danare

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: They finally do what they have wanted to do.

I thought the previous work by the author was good, but this blew me away. When I play, I take a female role primarily because in the movies (Until the prequel series and the Clone Wars) the female characters were all just background fill. But as much as the Case against Star Wars lambasts our Patron's treatment of Leia and Padme, they were still strong characters.

But playing as a female, you don't have a lot of options as to emotional entanglements. Atton is too needy, and Mical too submissive. But like Goldilocks said, Bao-Dur is just right.

Pick of the Week

Escaping Taris
Rarecase

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The battle of Taris has begun

The author has a clean crisp style, and except for not using shipboard nomenclature, did pretty well. The constant go here, kill the bad guys, go on that is the flight from the ship is ignored and justly so. The important parts, meeting and losing Trask, meeting and escaping with Carth were there.

I especially liked her first reaction, ignoring what was happening because she wasn't done sleeping yet, as most jump straight into the fighting. Her roving eyes describing the builds of the men she deals with suggest a lot of fun will ensue in later chapters.

Only had time to read the first, but that doesn't mean the rest of you can't have that treat. Enjoy!

Pick of the Week

Star Wars TOR, Book one: A Starship Named Desire
Vyrazhi

Set in TOR: A new padawan faces even greater challenges in the future.

At the author's request, I am reviewing this work here. I had read the first iteration of this work over at Lucasforums quite a while ago, so I know the author's work well. The segments almost consistently received picks of the week there, so you're in for a real treat.

Simple Pleasures
DWH

Set in KOTOR: The simple pleasures are best

Mainly a series of snapshots of the lighter side of the characters, moments where they set aside Jedi reserve, and were like children. Not a pick, but well worth reading anyway.

On Your Own
Achalys

KOTOR on the Unkown Planet: It's hard enough to decide without an argument with other versions of yourself

The piece caught me by surprise. The idea that a dozen versions of Revan are sitting in a room arguing over where he is going from here was funny. I only wonder why they never spoke up before.

Then again, the one side I had a Dark Side ending, that point was where I made the choice...

Pazaak Anyone?
Rider of the Rohirrim

TSL enroute to Malachor V: Anything to pass the time

The piece doesn't have a lot of real action. Having the Disciple go pale when Nar Shaddaa Rules are explained, would have been better if he blushed furiously, but that's just me.

Call Me Jeedai
Skywalker05

Post KOTOR: Upon her return, Revan reports yet a new enemy

The piece sets up the Yuuzhan Vong, but I wonder how all knowledge of them could vanish in the intervening time. After all, we have records from societies here on earth a lot older than this.

Memini Meminisse
SnarryVader81

KOTOR, no specific timing given: In nightmares, Revan returns to the past

The piece covers one aspect few consider about having Revan's memory overwritten; would that destroy the old memories, or merely supplant them? Scientist have claimed for almost half a century that we use only 10% of our brain. Is it like a computer where a deleted file is merely marked hidden and renamed until it is overwritten later?

You also have to realize that the one reason for people theorizing about past life and reincarnation is that sometimes you have dreams where a person seems to relive events that have never occurred in their lives. I For example had a couple of that sort; dreaming that I was standing in the pass of Thermoplae with our king already dead, seeing the arrows coming, and almost embracing death. A few years later standing on a Field in Japan as the leader screams for us to attack.

Stare
MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard

KOTOR, no specific timeing given: She never really saw him

Since I have reviewed other works by the pair, I have already given advice on correcting spelling etc, so I will forgo it. After all, it's been about five years, and I assume they have gotten better since.

The piece is nice and dark, and in a way you almost get the feeling that he is afraid she really is looking at him when she comes awake. Well portrayed in that regard.

Preoccupations
Promised Flower

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Locked up yet again, what will they do to pass the time?

The piece, as self described, is a light bit of fluff. The idea that the Exile in this story would suddenly become the aggressor causing Atton to backpedal frantically was really fun. Atton's reactions were a bit trite, but on the whole an amusing read.

Pick of the Week


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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