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Old 06-14-2013, 11:45 PM   #1345
machievelli
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Attack of the Minifigs
LegoMink

Sequel to The Phantom Brick: A Lego beginning for Attack of the Clones...

The piece was a lot funnier than the first one. Having Anakin upset because a droid rather than an insect woke Padme, punching a guy to steal his aircar to pursue, Obi Wan using a golf club and driving Anakin onto the enemy car. And the ending of chapter one, priceless!

Pick of the Week

The Last Sith
Lord Darth Master

Post TSL on Malachor V: Revan returns in time to stop the Exile

The piece is well done, with only one minor quibble.

The idea that the spirits of the Sith triad are still hanging around waiting for the end of this battle was good, but the idea that Sion is going to stay merely to torment the Exile's sould for all eternity a bit too Judeo-Christian for me.

Forbidden
Bmjewell

TSL on Dantooine: Sometimes the forbidden must be explored.

The piece was well done, and while Mical wasn't in character, he was lovingly portrayed. While I have never liked him, in fact used the option of having Handmaiden replace him, the only time I have ever complained about Mical was actually a few years ago when someone portrayed him as a pedophile.

My primary complaint is Azkul's actions during the fight scene. Yes, I could see him raping her, or merely killing her out of hand. But not taking time in the middle of a mission to do so.

Technical note, Mercenaries: Remember that most people have to quote Machiavelli to condemn mercenaries, which when you think of it, is the pot calling the kettle black. The Italian hated them not because they were inefficient, but because they had a bad habit of staying true to the paymaster, not the guy who wants to run things. I wrote an article explaining them back in 2009 at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Mercsand Pirates and Brigands where I went through their work in history you should read.

Pick of the Week

Sith of the Old Republic Darth Bandon
Nixi-ixin

Minor Quibble, Yoda is not alive yet. So this is Master Vandar, who does not Yoda-speak.

During KOTOR: Darth Bandon reminisces about how he came to be where he is

The piece has an uncompleted feel to it, though it was rather well written. But I have some minor problems with it. First, why didn't he report his Master, and how was that man able to lie convincingly to the Council?

It doesn't make sense for them to complain if the work he is reading is in their own archives. The master's comment makes sense, because I am willing to bet real money that if there is a comprehensive archive of works of demonology and witchcraft here on Earth, it would be inside the archives of the Catholic church for that very reason and restricted, just as you have the section at Hogwarts of such books.

Technical note: You have the Jedi a little too quick to exile someone. This would be the equivalent of finding out a parish priest had read the book the Exorcist, and excommunicating him. If Harry Potter (To use the analogy above) had been caught in the restricted section in the Sorceror's Stone, they would not have expelled him, they would have found a lesser punishment instead.

After all fifty years earlier Tom Riddle had found out about Horcruxes (Which I would define as Dark Magic)in that same library. Using the method you mention, the entire Defense Against the Dark Arts class would be cut because to learn how to defend against something, you have to know what you are defending against. Through the entire Harry Potter series, the one DatDA class I enjoyed most was when Alastor Moody taught them about the Unforgivable Curses. In fact in the book, Moody taught Harry how to resist the Imperious Curse by using it on the boy.

If you have read the Wiki, Aurors (Trained to capture or kill Dark Magic users) were allowed to use them to interrogate prisoners.

The restricted sections of such a library are not to stop the students from learning, they are designed to assure that the people who do read them are vetted to allow it.

Kotor: left hand of darkness
Zen crescent

Post-KOTOR, no location given: Carth has to deal with why Revan left, and her holo-letter could explain it.

It is had not has experienced, diary, not dairy.

As a first fan fic, this is very good.

Unfortunately, I only had time to read the first chapter. That prologue merely whetted my appetite. The idea that she would want to explain makes sense.

Pick of the Week

The Casino at the edge of the Galaxy
R-I-C-A-R-D

TSL on Malachor V: What has Revan been doing?

You have the phrase 'do you have' reversed. 'HK and Canderous both pull(ed) blasters'.

Corrections aside, it was a riot! Revan leaving just to get away from all of the entanglements, the Exile playing Pazaak while drunk and losing the ship! Could it get any better?

Pick of the Week

The rise of Delvon Izareon
Darth Void

No era given: A young Jedi is being sent on a mission

You use reliving when I think you meant relieving, since it it the opposite of frightening. You also used vowel instead of vows. In the sentence 'I can hold any emotional or facial expression with little ease' I think you meant little effort, like a politician's smile needs little effort even when he is thinking of something else. However, a lamprey has a circular mouth lined with teeth to hold, so the statement falls apart.

Technical note, Albinism: Most albinos (And they come in all races) have white hair and red eyes. What you described is more like an ash or 'platinum' blond.

Technical note, crossbreeding: Why would the Sith bother to save the DNA of a race they themselves had destroyed? As to the mechanics, unless they were pre-space flight, samples could have been gathered from members who were off the planet, and if they were primitive, even by gatheirng some of them before the destruction.

The story is short, barely 1100 words in two short chapters. It is also unfinished. I would wonder why they would go to a planet that has been destroyed.

Prestige
HellsxFirexBunny

Pre-KOTOR: Yuthura as a young hopeful

Remember to reread and edit. You left the 'o' off only, It's calm and collected, and damaged, not damanged, and devices, not deceives, which is where I stopped noting such errors. Don't worry too much about it except for correcting them; when I get into my writing I do as much if not worse.

Remember conversation breaks. It confuses the reader if you have more than one person talking in the same sentence and paragraph.

Thanks to many spelling errors, the piece is confusing. The scene where she eavesdrops on the three girls didn't scan because I honestly cannot see the Sith allowing such (To them) useless discourses. The scene of battle with the grenade didn't scan either, because the first thing a soldier would know is that all grenades, even smoke of incindiery, have delay fuses. So relaxing when it doesn't explode on impact is foolish.

The author wrote this right before the account was closed, at around seventeen. I wonder if she improved afterward?

BreakFix
Mshcherbatskaya

Pre-TSL: Jaq Rand works on a subject, but who is working on whom?

The piece is a very interesting psychological study of a torturer and his subject. While there is no record that I know of, I am willing to bet even the Romans used the old 'good' cop 'bad' cop routine.

The only negative is the sensless brutality shown by the others. Having the doctors refusing to treat injuries, other interrogators deciding to have a little fun rather than doing their jobs is counterproductive. As Jaq himself commented, orders were to turn, not terminate, and while a little of such treatment would aid the process, having someone put the prisoner's life in danger unnecessarily is stupid, because someone will pay.

The rambling conversation was good because it is something you might expect from the 'good guy' perspective. Let the person you are brutalizing think this is the one nice guy in the equation. His complaints against the Jedi, however, seem all too true.

Pick of the Week

Reforging The Blade
Lady Zenoka

Set during the period after ROTS: Sequel to Tempering the Blade. AU, the Dark Lords Revan and Sadow (Anakin Skywalker) finally find their son, Luke. But will he join them, or fight them?

The biggest problem I have is the Star Forge (With Malak still alive, mind) was still in existence 4,000 years in the future. The explanation of how Revan is still alive makes some sense, and having her as the mother of Luke acceptable. But how did Obi Wan succeed in stealing away their children?

Guess you'll have to read the prequel...

Balance of Echoes
Draic Kin

TSL aboard Ravager: The final confrontation between the Exile and Nihilus

The author did some good work. As others have commented, the biggest problem with TSL was the story was too weak, a lot of what you did made little sense in the context.

In my own Return from Exile over at Lucasforums, my Nihilus was a character named Quintain; a lackluster leader whi commanded Ravager due only to family connections, and the one who actually activated the Mass Shadow Generator against orders so he would be the 'hero' of the battle.

The author here though made him the Padawan of the Exile herself, and the interplay between them was well done.

Pick of the week

Rise of the FallenOld Ver
Jarret91

It would be train not kick instead of kicked, and to the training facility, during not druing, smirk not smirked. Remember that a name, such as Ebon Hawk is always capitalized.

Technical note, Invasion: The primary problem I had with the work was that the Sith were able to sneak up on an entire planet. Assuming only the sensor systems used in the modern day, and then also assuming that a warship cannot approach closer than two planetary diameters (Used in A New Hope book by George Lucas as the distance Millennium Falcon arrived at Yavin) you would have detection of the enemy at 24,584 kilometers, less than a tenth of a light second. Hat means the automated systems would warn you in less than two tenths of a second before your automated systems warn you.

However that assumes the rather dumb computers of modern day; they see a possible threat and alert you to that and you take it from there. A heuristic (Learning) computer would not need to go through half of the song and dance. It would automatically do an IFF (Identity, Friend or Foe check) and would in four tenths of a second, know these ships are enemy. So less than one second after the enemy fleet arrives, the alarms go off. So being able to land completely by surprise is impossible.

As an example, the aerial portion of the attack on Pearl Harbor was detected half an hour before the attack began, but humans in the system ignored the warning. Modern systems set to alert humans to a Nuclear attack take less than 3 tenths of a second to detect launches and less than a minute to mark the most likely targets.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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