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Old 07-02-2013, 09:48 AM   #1347
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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As you all know, the site went down last Friday. I had been here during the morning of that day, and when I came back in that afternoon, it was down so this is running late...

Knights of the Old Republic The Sith Lords
Grey Phantom

TSL From the Beginning: Our heroine struggles to survive

Technical note: It is not warfare programming, it is combat. A mining droid would need simple targeting sensors so that it can aim it's laser, and know where to implant the explosive charges, but only a limited ability to track a moving target with those sensors.

One thing, you do not have to explain every term and give pronunciation. If your readers have played the game, they know how Peragus or Kreia is pronounced. As for terms, if you have ever read the book the Making Of Star Trek, there was a comment that Marshall Dillon doesn't explain how a Colt .45 works; he merely straps the gun on, and that is it.

The author sort of skims the actual dialogue, though a lot of it is actual dialogue from the game. This is both good and bad; by skimming it, you give the characters more life than they had during the game, but sticking to the original makes it sound generic. This is not as much of a black mark as one person I reviewed last year took it; generic merely means you did not put the extra effort into it. A perfect example is the movie Beverly Hills Cop, where you took a generic situation (Cop hunting the killer of his friend) and by using Eddie Murphy, a comedian, you made the main character more than the basic script created.

One thing I did not like was the ending. Soldiers are not mass murderers, they are men put in a life and death situation, and opted to survive at their enemy's expense. To paraphrase Robert Adams from the book Champion of the last Battle, where someone waxes lyrical about the honor of battle (While having shown little or none on their own part) the main Character comments that war is like surgery; that a leader does what has to be done as quickly as he can so that the damage is the least.

Layana Danare

Several years Post TSL: Will Mira let him back into her life?

The piece is soft and poignant. We didn't need the explanation as to why you chose Mira over the others as the love interest, though killing them off was a bit much.

Revan and the Fuzzball Army

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: The Galaxy Droid Glitch strikes!

I saw the name, then read the blurb. Then I looked up the Galaxy Droid, which seems to have only happened in the Game Station releases. With some trepidation I began to read...

After finishing the second chapter I had to stop or I'd be late with these reviews. The piece is funny, from her dream of Carth and a bowl of cream (I don't know, ask the author) to Carth first wanting to wear Revan's underwear, then protesting that she is using religious discrimination to stop him from going along; all because he can't throw Force lightning! Not to mention the rapidly multiplying Zaalbars!

Pick of the Week

A Jedi's Heart

The piece is an interesting aside. I don't know if they have a mod to have Revan choose Juhani as a love interest or not (Some research I need to do) but since it will allow Revan to choose Bastila even if it is a female Revan, there might be. In fact the only things I have to ding the story on are as follows:

You used the word loose (As in set free) instead of lose (Misplace). The other is the time involved.

In the SW universe, there is not a lot of time spent on traveling. As an example, Emperor Palpatine is able to arrive at Mustafar from Coruscant within minutes of when Anakin is downed. Yet you are spending a long time (Long enough for everyone to sleep) traveling from the Rakatan homeworld to their own sun. Several light years in minutes, yet a day of more to cover less than 145 million kilometers.

Oh, BTW, there is a Juhani romance option; and it works whichever way you swing...

Pick of the week

Shadows of the Empire: Tour of Duty

TESB on Hoth: One soldier's view of the battle

The piece started out more like KOTOR with the character asleep as the battle begins. From that point on it was a bit confusing, having him be an infantryman, then suddenly a pilot, then a guide. However humans are not like droids or Clones; you don't automatically have all of the skills of a ground pounder and a combat pilot.

As a writer, you have to remember that every one of us goes through times when we feel no one is paying attention. Don't go by comments; there are so many people that look, read, and say nothing that the only way to judge popularity is the number of hits it receives. As an example one of my stories reached over ten thousand hits, but has only 32 reviews. I have others that have NO reviews and only a few hits.

The End Of All Things

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The end of the first adventure begins the next

The piece was interesting though I wasn't sure if the Jedi in the tubes were still alive or not when they shut down the droid brain. The death scene was actually one of the best I have read so far, close enough to the story line but far enough off to make it more interesting.

Having Renee (The Exile) feel the death across the Galaxy even without the Force was a very good touch. The only negative I saw was the idea that a Republic warship was going to let her hitch a ride. After all, as much as I would like to visit Japan or China, I know I can't go over to Nellis and hitch a ride on a MAC flight.

Sarcasm Turtle

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton grow closer

The piece starts a bit amusing, and in chapter 2 (As far as I read) it got very serious. The author, albeit unintentionally, highlights the one problem with personal relationships between Jedi, especially between master and Padawan; that you will stop thinking about them as students, and start thinking of them as lovers. That is why the military has rules about not having relationships inside a chain of command.

Star Wars Jedi Hunter
Tihaq Klee

No period given: With the Jedi gone for over four decades, a Jedi Hunter finds evidence they still exist.

Remember to sight edit, you used barley (The grain) instead of barely for example.

The primary problem is there is no character development. We know the main character of chapter two is a hybrid, and one of his companions a Twi-Lek, but little else. The reason for their search is ominous, since they are 'hunters' suggesting that this does not bode well for any Jedi they do encounter, as we see.

Atton Hears His Death

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton gets to hear something really odd.

Being an old fart, I actually had to look up the term 'crack fiction'. I did so after the fact, and that explanation caused me to laugh out loud.

The piece is funny because the characters know they are in a game, and Atton's primary protest is he got a Male Exile instead of a female. The ending is choice because you find it is just the Exile having fun with it.

Pick of the Week

Ookami no Mibu

10 Years Post Mandalorian Wars: A student goes to find a fallen Jedi

Technical note, timeline: A problem with the time line. You mention that the Mandalorian wars begin in 3999 BBY, but set it in 5964, almost 2,000 years earlier. This would be the equivalent of having King Arthur fight his last battle at Gettysburg Pennsylvania.

Technical note, Jedi Classes: Having played the game through, and having read the actual RPG rulebook from a game-master perspective, I don't see the restrictions you specify as part of them. The Guardian is better trained with weapons, true, but when it comes to Force powers, the primary difference between a Guardian and a Consular is that the second is trained more in the diplomatic areas. That would not limit their ability to meditate.

The style is crisp and fun. Having the emergency airbag deploy after the crash was fun, and her constant frustration with everything from the mission to getting her butt whipped in seconds by the person she is hunting was good.

A first work? Not too shabby.

Pick of the Week

Reunited and Revealed

One year Post KOTOR: The second reunion between Carth and Dustil goes better than the first.

I almost protested because technically, this is the third reunion. Meeting on Korriban, another less fruitful meeting referred to in the work, then this one.

It was interesting in this work, that the devastation of Telos is placed after Revan had been captured rather than before, and this is what calms Dustil down. As for his originally blaming her for that deed, unfortunately, is the way human beings are; if you read up on the first Nuremberg trial, four of the defendants had been charged just because they were senior military officers, and the Judges were claiming they had violated international law by training their men to fight, then leading them; in other words, for doing their jobs (Charges one and two; Conspiracy to wage an Aggressive War, and the actual act.) while only one of them was a member of the Nazi Elite.

Condemning a professional soldier for planning and waging a war the best they can is like complaining that water is wet.


Mandalorian Wars: Told from the perspective of Morgana, his first departure to the wars.

For a long time after reading it, I flashed back to every war movie I had ever seen, and remembered the farewells said then. I was lucky; I joined the Coast Guard because I didn't feel the Vietnam War was legitimate, yet felt I owed my country a service. So I never went through this. But I felt the pain of every one of those couples and families saying a goodbye that might be a last one.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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