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Old 10-05-2013, 06:53 PM   #1362
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center


Loss
Chevron 7 Locke

No specific era given: All he can think about is the one he didn't save

The only negative I have is the comment that the team is made up of people who defected from the Republic, but they are fighting for the Republic.

The piece is a good view of what a lot of commanders feel after a battle, that if you had been better, you wouldn't have lost the people you did

Marco Polo
Christos200

NSW based on movie about Marco Polo's life:Account of one of the campaigns in China witnessed by Marco Polo

You're style has improved markedly since your last posting. I see that you have taken my critiques to heart. The language is still stilted, but part of that is that I know that English is a second language. The piece needs polishing, but not as much as you might think; primarily it is word usage and repetition. You tell us twice for example that De lives at the Red Farm, which is unnecessary. You also call a bowl of soup 'a soup', which is not common usage in English. In English, you would only say say that it is soup, not a soup.

Much improved. Welcome back.

Fanfiction.net

Rising Valor
Tauqoc Arbit

SW AU: What if the Sith had come first?

The piece wanders a bit, but on the whole was interesting, especially the idea that the Sith as a group might have come first. It is really a pity the author did not continue it. To the author, I have this to say; to quote Elizabeth Moon from her book Change of Command when talking about making bread, 'you don't get good by making a loaf of bread, you get good by making a lot of bread'.

A History Lesson
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The tension finally boils over

The piece needs sight editing. You used unnecessary words right off the bat 'the same' in the first sentence confused me. You also used to when you meant too. My mantra for every writer I review is 'reread, edit, polish, repeat'.

The piece is well done beyond that, the idea of 'fan girls' being used inside it was amusing, and the sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a knife. Having Revan know that Kavar is in love with her long before he knew it was choice.

Tortured Paradise
Shadows Of The Storm

Post TSL: Atton views his relationship with the Dark Exile as an addiction, and wonders if she is as much addicted to him.

Except for some word usage problems as mentioned above, this was a good workmanlike story.

The piece is, as the author said, very dark. To the new Atton, the death of everyone else they had fought alongside is barely worth a mention, and while he worries that one day she will also rid herself of him, he believes partly that he may survive.

[Url=http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4794914/1/Grief]Grief[/url
RHIW

Post TFU: A blind Jedi meets the boy who might have been his Padawan

Again, I have never played TFU, primarily because I don't have enough money to upgrade my laptop to play the PC version. Seeing a Jedi still alive in hiding after General Order 66 was fun, and having the kid later known as Starkiller visiting him from the Force was well done.

Crucible of Souls
Jord

Post TSL: With flashbacks, the Exile finds herself imprisoned by an unknown enemy

The piece is the companion to No World for Heroes (Reviewed back in December of last year), and while a bit confusing when she is concentrating on the present day, is very well done. The idea that a prison guard is going to allow a thug to come in and beat her up is an interesting way to find a way to have her escape.

Pick of the Week

Late Night Talk
Shadows Of The Storm

After the Battle of Malachor V: Revan and the soon to be Exile say goodbye

Except for the sight editing problem I mentioned above, the piece is excellent. The idea that at this point Revan is only pretending to have fallen is an interesting twist.

Pick of the Week

Chronicles From Mandalore: What it Takes
Daennika

Set in Republic Commando, after General Order 66 By Karen Traviss: A Mando'a father returns to the life of his children

The piece is very interesting. I knew when the author mentioned the book by Ms Traviss, I knew it would be faithful to the genre as she created it, and wish I could dive into all 12 chapters.

One thing; first work? Excellent.

Pick of the Week

Salvaged
Freshmeat the Dead

KOTOR from the Beginning: A different look at the main character

The piece is different in that first Revan appears a bit more aggressive than in normal. She's trying to blast the door open when Trask arrives. She's also more interested in Number One, as the scene where Trask faces off with Bandon. The idea that someone other than a Jedi can use a lightsaber flies in the face of what most people seem to believe, but as I pointed out in my own Genesis of a Jedi, the primary problem is that using a regular sword, you have weight you have to compensate for, whereas light weighs nothing.

Technical note: Melee is a form of combat with blunt or edged weapons up close and personal. Please read my article; On Melee Weapons LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre >post 45

No Boundaries
Flooj9235

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Bastila and Revan finally meet

The idea that the pair became good friends this early is a good one. The only negative is primarily with (I know you'll hate it) Canon.

In KOTOR Bastila is 19. For Revan to have gone off to fight the Mandalorians, that means she would have had to leave at 15. I cannot see any military accepting that a fifteen year old girl is competent, nor would Malak at 15 be considered competent.

Childlike Innocence
Bronzeraven

Pre Mandalorian Wars: This does look like the start of a beautiful friendship...

I always look at work with a critical eye. While I was all set to lambaste the author for creating a character set on Terra, I had to chuckle when the author went on to explain that the character comes from a mythical planet.

I can picture the two children, one six, the other eight, and while we know as readers that it doesn't turn out well, we can still treasure that glimpse into their young lives.

Pick of the Week

Passion, Love, and Hate Revan Tale
Naomi Blackstar

The style makes me think you might be someone to whom English is a second language because of the errors I have seen, so I'll leave the improper words alone.

Remember conversation breaks. A conversation or story is like a river, it flows naturally. If you jam all of the comments from all of the characters into one paragraph, it confuses the readers.

The piece is a simple slice of action with Revan and her team fighting their way out of the Korriban Academy.

Leaving the Past Behind
Shadows Of The Storm

Post KOTOR: The soon to be Exile says goodbye to Kavar

As I said before, the piece needs editing and polishing. It was very good beyond that.

The idea that the Exile loved and might still love Kavar has been done, but this scene where she takes her leave of him is one of the best I have seen so far.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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