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Old 10-12-2013, 10:32 AM   #1363
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Crime Scene Fairy

TSL On board Ebon Hawk after Korriban: The one thing she needs to stay in the light, is her angel

The piece needs sight editing and polishing, but on the whole, well done. I used the same premise, but it was in the relationship between my Exile and Atris.

I Am Not Trembling
Simone Ruru

TSL On board Ebon Hawk: It just...happened

The author is Romanian, and admits English is not her native tongue. That being said, there was little wrong with it that couldn't be fixed by a sight edit. What do you mean 'ravaged' hair?. But the day I can write coherently in Romanian, I'll really complain.

Very well done.

Looking for Knights of the Old Republic

One year after TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A young scout gains an ally in the quest to bring the two Jedi heroes home.

The author was 14 when she wrote this, and is 19 now. That being said, it is what I would expect of an author that age, needing some work, but not a lot. As an example, considering the reputation of the Smuggler's Moon, I don't see why you had to have the weapons be black market (And it is that, not marketed) since there is little or no law there.

The piece (I only read the first chapter, no time to read further) was well done, but a scout has to blend in, and having that be her worst skill is kinda bad. I assume the mission is self imposed, because if I were the officer ordering it, I wouldn't have sent her. But on the whole as I said, well done.

Step Into The Twilight

No specific era given: A battle between a Jedi and a cloaked man

The piece is short, and needs some sight editing. You used hios instead of his.

Interesting enough, you also reversed the roles in the dialogue; having the Jedi be the one blustering and posturing rather than the one who is supposed to be Sith.

Really too short to get a good read on the author's skills.


KOTOR on Kashyyk: Carth has a bad trip, thanks to Canderous

Except for some editing problems (Through instead of Throw) it was a cute little piece. Having Canderous slip something into Carth's drink to 'cheer him up' ends badly, but doing that kind of thing is what a lot of people do without considering the consequences.

People With Broken Wings Never Forget

Seven years after TFU: Juno Eclipse mourns alone, but not for long

As I have said many times before, I have never played TFU, though I know the basic story line of it. The author has Juno having a brief relationship with the main character in the past, and had a daughter by him. The scene had a resonance with me because I met my second ex-wife the last year I worked the Renaissance Faire and she had an eight year old girl in tow. I almost expected Juno's line from here when she said the reason she hadn't seen me was the girl.

No, she wasn't my daughter. But for a moment, I thought that was what she was going to say. Here we have Galen making the same mistake in reverse. He sees the girl, assumes the woman he loved is with another, and ready to walk away.

Pick of the Week

Eliatra Sabre

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The opening battle from the POV of Carth Onasi

Remember to sight edit. I only saw one flaw, using crafts instead of craft, so it's more my standard admonition rather than a scream of dismay.

The piece does what few others have tried to do, tell of the battle from another perspective. This scenario, fighters and shuttles attacking from bases on the ground makes more sense than the 'hidden fleet' most assume. We see exactly what I would have expected, the Jedi dithering, Onasi taking charge, and fighting the battle he has been given.

Pick of the Week

A New Hope
Amme Moto

Post TSL: Revan along with both the crews of the old Ebon Hawk are in search of a holocron...

One minor detail. A pair is two, so having them 'pair' into fours doesn't make a lot of sense.

This is another of the author's stories linked to traveling into the future during the prequels of the old SW movies. I have only read single chapters of each so far, because I do not have the time between RL and my own writing, but this one is interesting because maybe she will figure out what is causing it...

The interplay between Revan and Atris is fun because you rarely see Jedi at each other's throat, and her own words given back to her by Carth 'you can't interrogate a dead body' was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Apprentice to the Triumvirate

Pre TSL: A new Sith Lord is born

The piece was intriguing, especially in the information about her race and planet, but it is there where I also found some flaws.

Technical note, Dating: It isn't logical to use a dating system that doesn't even exist yet. It would be like having Julius Caesar talking to a modern news reporter and saying he wrote the phrase 'I came, I saw, I conquered' down in 47 BC, even though the dating system didn't exist yet.

Technical note, Royal ascension: The idea that she must be married to ascend the throne makes sense of a sort. My question is, why didn't the usurpers force her to marry into their family to legitimize their power grab?

Technical note, Invisible planet?: While the day and night form aspect of the character makes her interesting, the idea that the planet itself will hide from prying eyes is a little hard to swallow. Of course In the EU they have both the home planet of the Yuuzhan Vong and Zenoma Sekot, a living planet with a hyperdrive.

The problem is that visibility is due to light wavelengths reflecting off an object. Perhaps the planet is only visible in specific wavelengths. But since the race that lives there is known, it would not take a forensic pathologist long to determine exactly which wavelengths their eyes use. Larry Niven in his Flannery of Terra series had the superspy constantly reporting what color frequencies aliens he had met saw with by something as simple as the colors of the clothes they wore.

Dragon's Wisdom

KOTOR on Tatooine: What if you just asked the Dragon to move?

The idea intrigued me, and made me wish I had considered it when I wrote Genesis of a Jedi. I hated the 'you have to kill the dragon' scenario so much I actually came up with a rationale beyond just hunting him. Even then I had Calo Nord kill him.

I enjoyed the idea that it was here she discovered she had been Revan, and since I have never liked the human body becoming warped by the Dark side, that her beauty was only slightly affected by it.

Pick of the Week

Words Unspoken

Post KOTOR: In her mind, Revan cannot separate the two men that she loved, and cannot tell the one she is with now

The view of the situation is interesting because anyone who has been through two different long term relationships even separated by time will always find similarities between the two. That is why something your present partner might say will trigger a reaction because the old partner had said it under adversarial circumstances. When we talk about someone 'pushing your buttons' it is this kind of situation.


Pre KOTOR: Revan investigates Malachor V before the battle

The piece needs sight editing because like I do when the flow of words is heavy, you leave out words. As an example, you left out a word when you said 'he couldn't imagine (How) strong'.

The piece is on the whole, well written, though having the last battle between him and Manda'lor on the surface didn't feel right. First the Mass Shadow Generator should have crumpled everything except itself into the gravity well it created, rather than sparing the planet. Second, if he succeeded in destroying the Mandalorian fleet, what happened to the Republic ships further out? No one on his side would have complained about the battle if the fleet was still intact.

Also, why would you expect the Mandalorians to come to a planet they shun? If you have ever read the Celtic stories about Bran the Great, there was a Bann placed on him by his parents that he would never enter a building. The one time he did, he died. Some taboos make no sense, but they are something observed by peoples throughout the world, and there is always a reason for it. If I were Manda'lor, I would have merely offered another venue rather than charge in with the entire fleet.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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