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Old 10-20-2013, 09:03 AM   #1364
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Blessed be man, for the sake of the one Pious!
Yukub

NSW Fiction: A biblical reason for mankind's survival

Having read both of the books mentioned, I am struck by one flaw;

When God, by whatever name you wish to use for him/her has decided to destroy somewhere, he didn't hinge the survival of the entire race on one man. Two examples:

When the flood occurred, it wasn't the entire race that survived, but only Noah and his family. When Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, it was Lot and his family that were spared.

In a society that ridicules religion, and actively persecutes the devout, praying openly would sway few others. So depending on the open acts of faith of one man and his wife would only get them killed.

Duel to the Death
Christos200

NSW Kung Fu story: A young boy learns the hard way

Since you've improved, maybe you'll also follow my suggestion for a beta reader? You still tend to use phrasing that doesn't make sense at first glance, and that detracted from the pleasure of reading. Just a suggestion.

The only negative for the story itself I had with it was the treatment of the main character by his master. It wasn't until later that you had the old man explain why, which helped a bit. However his new master Ma is almost as bad, with even less reason for it. However having once watched a lot of the old Kung Fu movies, I did see you following the 'wimp becomes master' method of such stories.

Fanfiction.net

A Life of Sacrifice
Darth Yuthura

Years post TSL: While on Katarr, the Exile hears through the Force

The piece is good so far. As I usually do when reviewing, I don't have the time to read everything, and this is the case here.

For those of us who did bother to hear the prophesies that Traya gives the character, this was the one that made me wonder the most. That Visas would hear what she was meant to hear. However in that case, Visas got nothing but the injuries she gets from falling a couple of times.

A pity I didn't have a chance to read further, since the blurb of the story suggests something interesting.

The Woes Of A Sith Lord
Kali Yugah

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: A confusing memory afflicts Revan

I am not sure from the screen name whether you are English by birth or an immigrant. Because of that, I will assume ESL, and go from there.

The piece has some serious editing problems. Primarily, you have to remember conversation breaks. Think of a story as a river, and the reader is being pushed by the current. When you forget the breaks, whether conversation or paragraph, the reader is swept into rapids, making them struggle to keep up with you, rather than merely sitting there and viewing the scenery you have created.

By the end of the story, I was quite honestly too confused to understand what you were trying to put across.

Eulogy
Vis-Et-Decus

TSL, no specific planet mentioned: The Exile remembers

The piece is interesting because we're looking back at his past. He is humanoid (Or as the Wookiepedia calls it, Near Human), but his provenance is not clarified. The author offers a prize for figuring out which movie, and I for one think any one of the Superman origin movies if that character had other siblings.

One short sleep past
Vis-Et-Decus

Post TSL on Katarr: So many questions answered

The piece is excellent. Visas is an obvious possible love interest, and having him not even sure how to proceed with having a relationship with her is choice. In fact the only negatives I have are technical and mentioned below

Technical note: As you yourself mentioned even the bacteria is dead, and by removing the natural bacteria inside the body, all the remains would face is weathering. You wouldn't have scattered bones even after five years or more. Bodies have been discovered in deserts were they have been mummified as much as a century or more before, and that is with the bacteria in the body still remaining. So it would be more like entering an area after a neutron bomb had gone off; no rubble, no bones, merely weathered corpses.

Pick of the Week

What?
Revan's Split Personality

Pre-KOTOR: Well, you could do it that way...

The line above is a paraphrase from the old Black Adder Season two, where the main character had drunk something his servant made. After telling him this, Baldric the servant answers, 'Well you could drink it...'

That being said, the story had me roaring with laughter, and that was just the first segment! She easily slipped past my main complaint, you know 'a long time ago...' by specifying being a character in an existing game. Her portrayal of the devil's 'emissary reminded me of something I have done over at lucasforums in a story entitled 'we need a hero(ine)' where the main character is so clueless that Loki creates verbally a book called 'dealing with dummies for dummies'.

That being said, the idea of someone selling their soul for a chance to be one of the main characters in the game was outrageous!

I know I say it sometimes, but I'll say it again with conviction, I WANT TO READ IT ALL!

Pick of the Week

Beyond Good and Evil
Littlegeekpenguin

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: They were not always friends...

The story is well done, highlighting the constant 'doing this leads to the dark side' cant you see through both games. Having Malak and Revan in the middle of a practical joke war was highly amusing.

I wish I could read all of it.

Pick of the Week

Meditations on Natural Philosophy
Callalili

Post TFU: Juno Eclipse is saved by an unexpected person

The piece was very interesting. The question remains; who sent this ship into a sun?

the Star Wars Project
Kaboose the keybladebearer

TFU One shot: A series of battles

You need more description to hold the reader's interest. This is pretty much nothing but a series of scenes with no color, and almost no action.

From the memoirs of the sarge
Hashhana

Pre-Clone Wars: One of the training officers of the Clones worries as any sergeant would

The author is Polish, and since I can't write or speak a coherent sentence in that language, I will not ding the author on improper words, etc.

The scene is reminiscent of the first Republic Commando book. The Sarge in that one is worried that the Kamino will decide to destroy his 'boys' anyway, even though they had allowed them to live.

In fact the one episode of The Clone Wars TV show I didn't like was the one where the misshapen clone was allowed to grow to maturity; not because I have the same bent as those scientists, merely because except for showing that he could fight almost as well as his brothers, there was no logical reason for him to have survived that long.

New Order
Fever Dream

Post TSL: Atton appears to have fallen back into his old ways, and this leaves Mical trying to clean up the mess.

Some incorrect word usage. It is constituents, not constituencies.

The author has a firm grasp of not only politics, but intelligence work as well. The finery the Senator has surrounded himself screams of Baksheesh, and his comment about what kind of Intelligence agent would be sent to Alderaan rather than a hot spot is spot on.

I didn't have a chance to read further. But it was good up until the end of the chapter.

Aeon The True Face of the Force
Curse Pen

Set during ROTS: An unaligned planet asks for help, or is that really what is happening?

The only negative I have is that Vader is a bit to ready on the trigger when it comes to subordinates. The captain he killed only reported they had arrived, but his death can be linked to Vader's mood. The second officer killed might have been incompetent, but we didn't see enough of the battle to know for sure. If your own survival is only at the whim of a superior, you usually end up dithering.

The piece at the start reminded me of the denigration you would expect from say a high council of the Roman Catholic Church in their regard of the Monastic Orders. But it quickly segued into what could easily be a plot to force Republic action in an unaligned system.

Then it leaps a year or more into the future with Anakin now Darth Vader. A very interesting read so far.

Transparent
Aeryn Phoenix

Pre TSL: Sequel to Seeing Double, The Exile returns to the Republic at Revan's behest

The only thing that didn't make sense to me was that the younger twin had an obvious visible sign that she had lost the Force.

Very well done so far, though as usual, I don't have the time to go back and read it all.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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