View Single Post
Old 10-27-2013, 09:20 AM   #1365
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful!

The Sith Lords Redux

Improper word usage. Strait (Narrow) instead of straight (Upright), then you said the hyper was damage. Oh, and having the hyperdrive out, and over half the ship opened to space does not imply it isn't badly damaged. When a portion of a ship is destroyed, it puts stress on what remains. On a surface vessel, she'd already be sinking. Also, duracrete is the SW equivalent of concrete, so making a table of it aboard a ship doesn't quite jell. Remember conversation breaks, since it will confuse the readers otherwise.

Technical note, Medical attention: If someone is bleeding badly, it is pretty obvious, so needing the computer to tell you he is, is like needing a diagnostic machine to tell when your radiator is blowing water through a hole, the steam shooting from under the hood is a dead give away. The rules of First Aid are; find and stop the bleeding, make sure they are breathing, and go from there. Also, while in the game a medpac is merely something you slap on a wound, it is more like a modern combat first aid kit. So it is not just going to expand over the wound to cover it, though there would be compresses inside to use for that.

Technical note, Emergency procedures: Entering a restricted area would be like approaching a military base, not what is to all intents and purposes a commercial one. What the pilot is doing is more akin to entering a harbor without knowing it, and the Coast Guard would automatically notify you that there are 'rocks and shoals' you are sailing into. In the example I used, they would ask first the nature of your approach, and in this situation, Peragus approach control should have sent the latest asteroid drift chart.

Also, the blast doors should have overrides that are accessible by the medical team. This would be needed in any case even on a military vessel so that damage control can enter sealed compartments to repair them. If the pressure is the same on both sides of the door, they should open automatically when that code is entered.

One serious problem; how could they be passengers on a ship without even knowing the name of it?

Luck Be a Smuggler Tonight
Jen DeClan

Pre KOTOR: Carth meets Revan for the first time

This was a very interesting take on their first meeting; not as shipmates, but as two people yearning for some company. Having Revan follow him because he might check on her smuggling vessel was a cute touch, and having Trask there as a crewman who was a lightweight as a drinker give us a chance to see more of him.

I only had time for the first chapter, but the scenes flowed well, and drinking everyone but Carth under the table was very amusing. Segueing from walking to sailing an interesting way to engage Carth in something that just about every modern Naval Academy does cute.

I wish I could read on.

Pick of the Week

The Slow and Silent Fall
Chryseis Dione

Pre-KOTOR: The Dark Lady ponders all she has done, and justifies it in her own mind.

The one thing I have always loathed about people is rationalizing why what you want is more important than anything else. The author highlights this masterfully in this work. It reminds me of a quote from Adolf Eichmann before his execution when he stated that jumping into the grave was nothing, since he'd sent almost six million Jew ahead of him.

Pick of the Week

The Stars
Fever Dream

Post TSL: As the Exile tries to find Revan, the one she seeks searches for the Sith

One minor problem; you jumped from the Exile's situation to Revan's location without a break, causing a slight bit of confusion. The only real problem is mentioned below:

The Chiss: Considering that according to Canon the Chiss were not contacted by the Republic until right before the Clone Wars 4,000 years later, this had me a bit confused. Also, if you read up on the race, they tend to not deal with alien races at all. Rather they determine how to deal with them after contact, and either go to war or practice complete banning of contact with them.

The Ashes of Katarr
Fever Dream

50 Years post TSL: Visas returns to her home world

The piece is a sad and poignant view of the past for the sole survivor of the Jedi that we remember from the games; with the sole exception of Jolee. Looking back, and seeing the deaths of everyone we might have loved from the game. Returning home at the last was perfection.

Pick of the Week

Bastila's Undoing and Random Conspiracies
Revan's Split Personality

KOTOR enroute to the last Star Map: We finally got rid of Bastila!

After having read one of RSP's works last week, I was sure I had a handle on the zany style.

Guess again.

Start with confiscating Bastila's romance novel, then the prim Jedi collapsing into a bundle of nerves at the thought of all the conspiracies around her, with scenes reminiscent of Grandpa Simpson seeing Death everywhere he looks. Add in the 'heroine' giving Bastila to Malak just to get rid of her, and talking about 'destroying' the Star Forge (With hand quotes every time she says the word). And just to make the first chapter a laugh riot, a plot to entirely destroy the romance genre because it is the fastest way to make the entire galaxy miserable.

I did go back and read 'What' from last week all the way through, and while this is five chapters long, I may have to read it all the way though too!

Pick of the Week

Confusing Explanations
Shadows Of the Storm

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile really does not want to explain her necklace

The piece is actually a follow on to A Sticky Situation which I read and wished was longer. This piece is a lot longer, and I wish the author had extended the other story so I could enjoy it.

Stupid Kid

KOTOR on Taris: There's always something...

Remember to sight edit and polish, there were a number of times where you forgot to finish sentences, and it made it a confusing read.

The start was fun with our Revan deciding to pretty much say enough. Then a classic romantic moment, until the kid interferes

First Blood

TSL on Malachor V: Atton finally does what he's wanted to do

The piece is an unrelieved dark, and the end fits the mood.


KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan and Morgana join forces

The piece needs polishing and editing to make it easier to read.

The idea has been done before. The primary difference here is that it is Revan who is drawing the spirit forward.

The One

TSL on Dantooine: After Atton's revelation, he didn't expect this

The piece needs polishing and editing to make it easier to read.

The most interesting part of the narrative is the idea that the Exile went along with the Jedi who went to war because she loved Revan. That even with him (according to Atton) pretty much doing anything in skirts during that time was all right because he always said his feelings for her were different than all of those other women. Also because while she loved him in the biblical sense, she was still waiting for, as the title states, the one.

Star Wars: KOTOR Shadows of the Sith

Three Years post TSL: A new danger arises

The piece is a first work, so I will be gentle. It primarily needs polishing, as the flow tends to be bumpy when you get to the dialogue. Polishing is actually easy, though it might sound hard, try this; when you come to a portion of dialogue, imagine a movie scene, and speak the dialogue aloud. When you do, and the scene progresses, you will notice where the words don't feel quite right.

Now rewrite the segment, punching it up to make it flow better.

The basic idea is interesting, as we know neither of the original heroes are still around to help. The points I considered most interesting is that we now have a provenance for how Jolee died, and that the new Jedi Academy's location is still a secret.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,