View Single Post
Old 11-09-2013, 09:14 AM   #1367
machievelli
Local curmudgeon
 
machievelli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,824
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
Hot Topic Starter Veteran Fan Fic Author Helpful! Forum Veteran 
Eclipsed
The Fico

Set in TFU: Captain Juno Eclipse meets her new commander

The intro section is tightly written, and the stage set well. Having Starkiller complain because of an upgrade doesn't make a lot of sense. He actually sound more like a petulant child whining because his parents moved his stuff around.

But the piece does sound interesting enough to read further.

Red and Silver Coils
LilliaJohnson

7 years pre TSL to beginning of TSL: An old acquaintance is really not happy to see him again...

You asked for a proper review, and as a critic, ask and you shall receive...

There was one major typo (electricution is spelled electrocution), but on the whole it is a very nice piece of work for a first time. Having them meet previously was an interesting touch, if non-canon, but having her punch him at the end of chapter one was choice. It reminded me of the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Marion slaps Indy.

Kissing The Lipless
Jowx97

KOTOR aboard The Star Forge: The end wasn't really like the history books...

The idea of a Revan-Malak love interest has been bandied about by a number of authors here in fanfiction but few have done it as well. My own Genesis of a Jedi comes to mind. The piece was very well done, and the dialogue what you'd expect from two people who once loved each other, and wish their relationship hadn't changed so drastically. In my own work, Malak does die, but my Revan shares a secret about the Force she believes no one else knows.

Pick of the Week

Right Where It Belongs
K.L. Clarion

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Revan's past is revealed

The piece was fun if a bit generic. That isn't a flame, it means you didn't put as much of your own into it, though the changes you did make (having her literally collapse when she reached the last memory, having it be Carth pounding on the hatch (It's not a door on a ship) that kind of thing.

The only real negative I had was having her tell Canderous to prep the ship and not having him take it off on their arrival. Also (And this is the game design and not you) not having anyone man the other turret.

Joke's On You, Kid
Apathyisdeath

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton is just being himself...

The piece was a bit of fun, with the usual acrimony between Atton and Mical. Having the Exile joke that Mical knew the Nar Shaddaa rules for Pazak was an interesting way to make Atton geek.

One thing. On a ship like the Ebon Hawk, you would have a hydraulic system to raise and lower the ramp. Unless the ship had been badly damaged, why do you have her using a chain hoist?

Broken Youth
Revan Sama

No specific time given, but probably set in the pre TSL: Kreia looks at the past, why Revan did what he did

The piece starts out as if a storyteller is telling the story of what had happened, making the Jedi and Sith just opposite sides of the coin everyone fears. It ends with the relief that her student paved his own road to hell with his good intentions.

First Ice
Apathyisdeath

TSL Various scenes: How the heart hardens

The piece is a bit confusing at the start. The author is trying to portray how you feel when someone you care about dies, and how those you love just disappear.

I Can Do Better Than That
Unlock.Your.Heart

Mandalorian War era: Morgana is just as stubborn as her husband to be

The piece is interesting, in that the title is what you expect every child from a 'hick' town saying to themselves when they step out on their own for the first time.

The primary negative I had with it was Carth deciding 'for her own good' to dump her because of the worsening war situation. There are two more, and it is due to his rank.

A lieutenant commander would have his own quarters unless the military he belongs to is huge. This would also mean that by the time of KOTOR, he should have been a Rear Admiral at least. Remember that William 'Bull' Halsey was a rear admiral at the start of WWII, and a full Admiral (Four star) by the end of it, and that war only lasted four years in comparison to the Mandalorian Wars which lasted about sixteen.

Also, a militia officer? This means he would have been serving locally rather than further afield until Telos actually entered the war themselves.

The Lost Line
SoTF

Combination of post TSL and the Clone Wars: Revan's fleet arrives in time to stop a Separatist attack.

Some problems, mainly technical, and they are addressed below. One problem I have consistently with the game in comparison to the movie canon is there is almost no technical improvements in the intervening 4,000 years. The old USS Monitor would get eaten alive by even a modern destroyer.

Technical note, Temporal problems: You have ships from 4,000 years ago arriving now. As I pointed out in a review I did about three years ago, this is like having a fleet sent by Mesopotamia attacking a modern Carrier or Surface battle group. Or having the fleet (More modern, only 2500 years out of date) of Themistocles attacking that same modern battle group. When you can reach out and touch someone several hundred miles away, and kill them at that range, why be bothered by ship mounted siege engines and bows?

Also Rishi was settled only 60 years before the battle of Yavin, so how would Carth even know it existed? That would suggest that the planet was discovered around the time of Mesopotamia yet no one even thought of going there afterward. If the human race of SW is anything like our own, it would have been settled within decades if not years.

Technical note, Ship classes: Your own names for the other classes are all right, but the Star Destroyer Class didn't exist until the Empire. Also, remember there is a difference between type and class. The difference is a class is the actual run of ships using one design, such as the Iowa class battleships ( USS Iowa was commissioned in 1943). For example the USS Texas (Commissioned in 1914) was a New York Class battleship. But while the design and capabilities are different, both are battleship 'types'.

There were some fun quirks. Sasha (Who I made a nascent Jedi in my own Genesis of a Jedi) back as an adopted Mando'a pilot. Dustil taking up the same life style, the manic HK unit that wants to try out a form of cooking called barbeque, all of that in the first chapter!

The Unleashed Returns
Willy the heartless

Post TFU: Starkiller survives, and escapes

The piece is well written, but there is one glaring flaw.

Technical note, Tie Fighter: As mentioned by Ben Kenobi in the original Star Wars Movie, the class is a short ranged vessel, meaning it would not have the range to reach a planet or moon if it starts sitting in open interstellar space. It wasn't until a later design that they had hyper-light engines.

The reason Vader survived in ANH was because his ship was left sitting in a system with 26 moons, three of which were inhabited (Including Yavin 4 where the Rebel Base was) where he could set down. What you've done is have a pilot from say WWII escaping off a modern aircraft carrier in the Indian Ocean and deciding to fly to San Francisco. Actually the part that bothered me most in TESB is Han with a damaged hyperdrive still reaching Bespin when leaving from Hoth, which is just as unrealistic.

When You Were Young
Apathyisdeath

Pre Mandalorian Wars: What if they had met years before?

An interesting take, which would make Bao-Dur a lot older than the girl who would later be the Exile. Both Trija and Mical are typical young kids. One minor thing:

Blba trees: According to the wookiepedia, the trees have thorny branches and there are predatory slugs on the planet that eat birds that get caught and die in them. So climbing on them would be a risky venture.

Adventures in Babysitting
Apathyisdeath

TSL On Dantooine: All right, now what do we do?

Remember to sight edit. You left out the word voice in that cocky anywhere.
One minor technical flaw. You say the ship is on Dantooine in the first paragraph, then say it's a Telosian Winter night. Considering that you have a baby (ala Moses) dumped in a river, I think it would have to be Dantooine. And where did the river come from? There is no river in the scenes of the Dantooine spaceport.

Technical note Landing Pad: The two pads we see on Dantooine, the one at Khoonda and the other in the Jedi Enclave both have berms.

The piece was kinda funny; none of the characters that deal with the child do kids that well, from Trija literally backing into a corner in shock to Mical not sure how to deal with Atton saying 'you have to accept responsibility' while he's holding a basket with the baby in it. Considering what I would mean if I was holding a baby and talking to a woman, I can just see what's going through Mical's mind... That last scene is reminiscent of the scene in Independence Day where the character Jimmy opens the box with the wedding ring (While kneeling mind) and is offering it to Will Smith's character, and another pilot walks in, sees the tableau, raises his hands as if to say 'I didn't see anything!' and walks back out without an explanation.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,