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Old 11-30-2013, 07:01 AM   #1371
machievelli
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Twin Sunset
NorthwestMarmot

Tatooine some time ABY: An Imperial Moff has his own mission

The only negative is that unless the Moff had a reason that would please the Emperor and Vader, he wouldn't have gone into another sector to carry out his own mission. As an example, it would be the equivalent of the Chief of the Oklahoma City FBI office deciding to fly to Houston on information only he has, and will not explain to either the Houston Field office, or the Director.

Your Moff is also a little too Anal retentive to have survived. He's directing not only what will be deployed, but is controlling the action on the ground. Most Naval officers after the Napoleonic Wars were not this hands on.

Beyond that, it's not too bad.

Chrysalis
Knight Watcher

TSL on Peragus: The Exile works to make the escape

The piece stayed nowhere near the dialogue which is a good thing, but it was confusing because the section when she was talking to Kreia has no way to tell. Because of that I thought originally it was a more eloquent Atton.

I did like the idea that the flirting was not only two way, but started almost from the moment they met.

A new beginning
Setrus

Dantooine: When the Exile left them alone, her followers first brood, then get back together

The idea that the Exile literally gave them no warning she was leaving bothered me. There are in the characters too many unresolved issues that can kill the new order faster than the Sith could. In my own Return From Exile when Kreia tells her of the future, she says she said that the Exile would stay only long enough to set the new order on the path she had created in their travels.

I like Mira's sarcastic view of Bao Dur being called master. Then again, I was raised on the old Isaac Asimov stories where the original robots were required to call humans master, and it should be noticed that when speaking to their owner (C3P0 for example talking to Luke, or HK talking with either of his two owners in the Games) the same rule seems to apply.

KOTOR Quotes
6tailedninja

Both KOTOR games: The title says it all

There were some that were funny, and others that were not. Read it and you decide.

Painful Memories
Shadows Of The Storm

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Peragus: The Exile is forced to remember the second worst day of her life and ends with her third

The piece was interesting because it spans three planets, and the one thing that links them together is her own lightsaber. I almost expected Bao Dur to say she had been working on it in a fugue.

From-the-End-a-New-Beginning
Dailaryo

Pre Mandalorian Wars to Post TSL: The adventures of the Ebon Hawk are just beginning

The only negative I have is my reaction to the way Revan acts as a young boy. It's not like he isn't acting like a boy of about fourteen or fifteen, it's the fact that considering the Jedi appear to be more of a monastic order, his arrogance. Examine the training in a Jesuit school. Or the training a young boy receives in a Buddhist Monastary.

A monk is trained to channel and focus his mind on what he is learning. Look at the class being taught by Yoda in Attack of the Clones; you might have some wild kids in it in reality, but they have learned to be disciplined in thought and deed. The children are not yet Padawan, and they would have had any wildness tempered out of them before they ever attain the rank. Anakin avoided it, because he was chosen as a Padawan so young. And his actions as a Padawan are reckless and headstrong.

I would suggest watching the pilot episode of the old TV show Kung Fu on Youtube. Concentrate not on the learning how to fight, because to the Monks, especially the Shaolin, that is merely another form of the discipline they learn, teaching them to be disciplined in heart mind and body.

Sire of the Sith
Cptmeatman

End of KOTOR to End of TSL: Two different Jedi set out, one following the other

Remember to sight edit and polish. The piece is stilted.

The intro chapter was interesting, though having Revan stalk off like a jilted lover was a bit much.

Star Wars: The True Jedi
Death To Spam

TFU At the start: Vader finds the boy who will later be known as Starkiller

The first chapter is stilted, and needs sight editing. For some reason there are serious spelling errors suggesting that if you have a spellchecker program, you ignored it.

The piece is confusing to me because since my computer will not play TFU, I only know the basic premise, but have seen the intro ad for it.

The problem mentioned above made it hard for me to read. If I had held the typed pages in my hand, I would have been reaching for the red pen to mark where it went wrong from an editor’s point of view, which would have kept me from enjoying it.

Unlikely Lover
Auralee

KOTOR Through the Star Forge: Sometimes, you just have to shove them together

The piece was well written, and as much as the author though they would be OOC, it's only because you can't see either one actually saying what they did. But that isn't surprising to me.

You see, in a warrior society such as the Mandalorians, you have two faces. One is the usual you see when they are facing someone who is not part of it. The perfect example in the interaction between the main character and his captors in the Last Jedi, where he is an outsider they just have to deal with. The second is when he actively joins them in their last battle.

You do see some mixing when Algren is facing Ujio in practice. When he's beaten the second time, Nobutada extends the same teaching he might have given his nephews when they began serious training. Then again before the last battle where Ujio sees him in the armor, walks over, and tugs it to test how well it was fastened, then nods. For that dour man, it was the height of acceptance.

For Bastila it is worse because while Canderous could relieve sexual tension before by merely doing something about it, she has spent (In my version) fourteen years of her life being told not to make emotional attachments, yet as Aliana (Later Revan) told her, compassion is also part of love; you have to love what you protect.

Didn't have time to read the second chapter, but if it is as good as the first, you're in for a treat.

Pick of the Week, Best of the Week

Discussions and Decisions
Shadows Of The Storm

During the Mandalorian Wars: Revan suggests a bold stroke, but at what cost?

Remember to sight edit. As an example you used thing when you meant think.

As a layout for the final battle to her friends, it was interesting. Revan may have come up with the plan, but she doesn't realize what might be lost at the end.

No Longer Revan
Auralee

KOTOR enroute to Manaan: Having been told who she is, Revan struggles not only with her past, but her feelings for Carth

I hate to say it after the last. The piece is good, but a bit generic. That isn't a completely negative comment; until you hire Arnold for Last Action Hero, or Eddie Murphy for Beverly Hills Cop it's the same very generic plot line. By having BHC be a serious movie, but Murphy allowed to play segments in comedic style, it brings depth to the character. And like Stallone, Arnold using a flat dead pan perfectly straight style, making some lines even funnier.

Kotor alternate story
kotor1and2

KOTOR AU: What if Revan had not been displaced

The author is British, but I believe was young when this was written. I say that because there are so many errors. One, not checking grammar, two, leaving out conversation breaks, three I used as a personal noun is always capitalized.

Remember as much as any writer might enjoy the act itself, it's a social exercise. You have to make it easy for your reader to follow, which is why you have the conversation breaks. When you use the wrong word as in grammar, it is like hitting a bump in the road. Make the flow smooth, and people will lose themselves in it.

Don't take the criticism to heart; my first story at age 11 was written on what I had available, which was discarded computer cards (I mean the paper kind; yes, I am that old) and was so bad, that I shudder to think it might still exist out there.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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