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Old 12-07-2013, 08:48 AM   #1372
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Return to the Enclave

Post TSL on Dantooine: A Jedi returns to the Enclave

The piece has two problems. First, it is very short, and unfinished.

We know (Though have no hard numbers) that there were Jedi still surviving from the old order at the end of TSL, but according to Kreia (if you actually asked her about the future) that the ones in her crew were the only important ones. I have no problem with someone of that old order showing up to decide to take the new one over; merely the timing of it.

Technical note, Dantooine now: In KOTOR, there was only two actual landing pads we saw, one inside the Enclave, the other the freighter that had landed on the Sanderal house. According to canon, Khoonda was the old Matale residence. But that means the pad we see in TSL was newly created, so unless he had visited during the interim, this arriving Jedi would have never seen it.

It was good as far as I read, though a Jedi who specializes in visions not being patient is a bad combination. Just look at Anakin and the one vision he did have.

Holo Mistakes
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Ain't love grand?

The piece is what you'd expect out of a girl infatuated by her teacher, but feeling ignored. Snatching something out of his room just to hold onto, then grabbing a chip of him that I only hope was actually him in the nude to the fan girls.

Hang Me in the Morning Before I See the Sun
Elwin Ransom

Almost 500 years after the Original KOTOR Games: An Historian finds a diary

The piece is interesting in the same way the old Alec Guinness movie Kind Hearts and Coronets was fun. Here we have a man trapped in a cell, writing his memoirs of his deeds, with only two people he has contact with, one of whom would destroy the work if he saw it, the other requiring him to write it while being watched.

When I reached the end of chapter one, I was wondering about history, my one great passion. What would Hitler have written sitting in Spandau Prison to justify his actions? Or Napoleon on St Helena (He was imprisoned twice, once before on Elba, but after Waterloo he was then sent to St Helena where he died) to show why he was right and the world was wrong?

The only negative I see is that as a military leader, Murder is not a valid crime unless they are committed personally. As was said in Apocalypse Now, charging someone with murder in a war is like writing speeding tickets at Indy.

It was getting interesting; especially his diatribe against the Jedi, and specifically the Council. I wish I had a chance to read further.

Shadows Of The Storm

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A frantic race to cover their tracks

One of the better of the works about these characters. Having Vash catch them, then promise to cover it up when scenes of her and Master Zez together was amusing. I just wonder how many of the others are doing such things without being caught?

Pick of the Week

How Quietly We Sing How Loudly We Whisper

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: A confrontation between Atton and the Handmaiden

The piece is a look at their relationship after she had become a Jedi in training. The acrimony is understood; Atton had after all once been someone who hunted down Jedi. Atton is trying to let his past go, and the first thing you have to do is be willing to admit you're wrong.

It left me a little flat, while conflict is part of a good story, as an intro into a longer piece it didn't make me want to see more just yet. My mother (Who was also a writer) told me if you don't grab your audience in the first two pages (about the length of this intro) you probably won't get them to read further.


Possibly during the Post TSL Period: Mira is captured and made a slave

The writing is nice and crisp, the scenes clear, but a bit confusing, since we don't know exactly where it began. According to the story she had been on Dantooine, and it seems still following her profession, but I don't remember any bounty hunting options in the second game, so I am clueless as to how she ended up captured. Also, why is Vogga (A crime lord on Nar Shaddaa) willing to buy or capture her half the galaxy away?

Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords

Intro into the game: The Exile awakens in the tank

Remember to sight edit, as there are times when you used the wrong word (Bad instead of had). The piece needs polishing, but the scene, and his reaction is what you'd expect from someone waking up after an injury.

The escape from the tube is admittedly more interesting that just being dumped when it cycled, which didn't make sense to me; the only time we actually see this kind of treatment is in TESB, and there Luke is pulled up out of the tank rather than being dumped like a freshly caught fish.

Sadly, you didn't continue it.

Jaw Breaker
Big Potato Head

KOTOR on Coruscant: Well it could be how it happened

The piece start of amusing, but it lost it when he loses his jaw. Having him be a soprano (But not know what the term means when speaking about a voice) was a bit confusing. Having a street gang member almost cut off his Jaw, then think he's helping by finishing the amputation sort of fit with a lot of kids I have seen these days.

But what's with the candy wrapper?

Third Time's The Charm

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Some people have other things to do

The style needs some polishing, but on the whole, was well done. There is no explanation as to why Malak is wanting the one character to go; is she an Ex-Jedi who has gotten on with her life, or what?

Technical note: Whether you call it an Axehead (As the Wookiepedia does) or a Hammerhead, the class is a frigate, not a cruiser.

The piece was a bit confusing, as you have too many irons in the fire at the same time. You have the Mandalorian Wars, the Covenant (Which is never really explained) and the Crucible as well.

Though having someone taking 'hormone leave' was a cute touch.

Battlefront2, The odd couple

Set at Mos Eisley in the BF2 era: Yep, they're definitely an odd couple

I was a bit surprised at first. I had not expected the author to do a literal version of the dialogue you might expect from the game, and the Stormtrooper is definitely acting like a newbie. Describing the sidearm of the engineer as an 'obscene cigarette lighter', then the stormtrooper changing class to a larger weapon like a kid before just going with the engineer because there's nothing else to do.

I had best stop before the review is longer.

Pick of the Week

The Birth of Nemesis

Set in TFU: With Juno dead, he now lives for revenge

The intro portion of the piece needs to be sight edited. You used the wrong words and left words out pretty much from the start. This isn't a major ding; one thing I have to do almost constantly is edit for grammar and words used.

The piece starts like any generic western, the sole survivor swearing revenge for his betrayal.

Apathy Is Death
Rang Traycn

Pre-TSL to Peragus: Sion feels a connection to the Exile, and hunts her because of it

Remember that Jedi is the title of an order of monks, like Shaolin is. A title is always capitalized.

Technical note: Improper nomenclature. Read my article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To see what I mean.

The work, at least the first two chapters which is all I read, is stilted, and confusing. This is no major problem, it merely needs editing and polishing.

Having Sion be the main focus is an interesting departure. In my own work Return From Exile here I had him also obsessing on her for my own reasons.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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