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Old 12-14-2013, 08:40 AM   #1373
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Knights of the Old Republic: Kindred Souls Book 1
Author of Scifi

Post TSL: The Exile finds clues during her search

Remember to sight edit and polish because the flow could be smoother. One thing, 'influence' is something connected to the game; not actually to real life. So instead of saying she had gained influence, which made him finally talk about his past, it is more that having come to know her attitudes, he hoped she would not reject his presence because of it.

I liked your comment that astromech droids are designed to use the tonal keys intentionally to keep people from understanding them, but as I pointed out in my own Return From Exile, and the movies where you have long contact with a droid in the movies, you get enough of the message without the audience having to actual speak the droid's language.

Technical note, Shipboard designations: While on the ship's diagram the cabins are east and west, the directions don't really mean anything on a space craft because they are determined on a planet by a compass. If you landed with the cockpit facing west, they would be north and south. Read the article I wrote )Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it!) because to act efficiently on a ship, you have to know where to go at any moment, and designations for locations are precise compared to those used on land.

The piece was interesting, and I honestly wish I could read beyond chapter 2.

Knights of the Old Republic: Kindred Souls Book 2
Author of Scifi

Continuation of the previous work: Ajunta, son of Kreia struggles with his feeling, and the manifestation of his mother as well

I understand why you told others to read the first work! Having not gotten past chapter two, I was immediately at sea. However the idea that Kreia is just hanging around because of her son is a bit confusing to me.


TSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Peragus: A simple chat in the cockpit sets them up nicely

The piece was well written, the scenes clear and crisp. I thought it interesting that you used an idea no one has yet; that the reason Atton was on Peragus was because he was hunting her. The dialogue is snappy, and I can picture them literally battling it out in a verbal slugfest.

Pick of the Week

Lith Sords

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Why didn't they make the connection?

The piece is funny with Revan, the Exile (Tyla) and another girl deciding to run off to have fun. The only confusing point was how did the Sith set up a bar on Coruscant without the entire Jedi Order even noticing? It was especially fun when instead of just killing the girls, they ended up as go-go dancers in force cages.

Best of the Week

Small Baby Girl

TFU AU: Watching his daughter grow up

The piece had problems with improper word usage, exited (Leaving) instead of excited. No biggie, it just means you have to reread and edit. I do it all the time, and sometimes I forget (Bad Critic!) myself.

Actually a series of snapshots, starting at birth, and ending when she married. I agree it's an ironic twist to have her marry Anakin Solo.

White Light
Lord Darth Master

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A clean up of the planet Deralia leads to the discovery of Revan as a child

Remember to sight edit, as you used aid (assist) instead of Aide (assistant), and deter (Stop) rather than defer (Allow precedence).

Technical note, assassination attempts: In the US senate, there have been safeguards against this right back to the 19th century. So guns, blades etc would not have been passed by unless the security force itself is corrupt. If they were, it would have been easier to have one of your own suborned cops shoot him.

Technical note Local support: Assuming a standard police organization as we have in the US, why is a private in charge instead of a higher ranked officer? This would be like an FBI agent arriving to take a local crime boss in, and assigning him only a couple of uniforms instead of about a dozen under at least a sergeant. Also if you know the man is at home with a security force, whether droid or human, you are not going to send only four men. Watch the scene in Beverly Hills Cop when Foley and his pair of local cops hit the mansion to save his friend. When the police roll to assist, they sent a lot of men, including a police captain.

Technical note programming: How were the police to know what programs are being used in the droids? If you accessed the local net, all you would get is the specifics the company had used when originally sold, not what would have been installed after the fact by the user. And if you know he is using illegal programs, why hasn't he been arrested for that? For that matter, why weren't the company officials arrested for supplying the 'illegal' software?

The society you describe sounds like Columbia, where the drug lords used the old euphemism of 'Plomo or Plata'; lead or silver. If a local cop or politician won't accept bribes, they are killed, sometimes along with their entire families. So an honest politician has as much chance of getting this bill passed as a pint of Irish whiskey has of surviving a wake.

Nightmare Lust
Kali Yugah

Pre-KOTOR: The Exile give in to the one thing she hates the most

I used the same idea in both of my KOTOR works; that Malak had loved Revan, and that love had turned to hate at the end, and that Atris had loved my female exile, and hated her at the end because it wasn't returned.

I did like the idea that she was clueless until she was kissed, and betrayed when Kavar stood mute.

Meeting the Fool

TSL on Peragus: Valley girl meets TSL

I hated to correct anything, but there is one glaring problem. Consul is an adviser. So she should be looking for a console.

I used the tag above because the main character sounds like the stereotypical valley girl. Back in the 80s, I was in a store checkout line, and these two girls as happy as a box of birds were chattering, and instead of the normal 'gag me with a spoon' one came up with 'gag me with a barbeque fork', then they glared at me as if I were eavesdropping when I laughed at the line. But they were talking loud enough I think everyone within a hundred yards was hearing them, so I just laughed at the glare too.

Tora's is definitely like those girls, wondering if he's cute and cool in a serious situation.

Tales of the Dark Side
Revens Revenge

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A dark Jedi begins his quest for power

The piece was a little to abrupt for me. His insistence on being called by his name then casually killing the boatman. I was actually surprised he didn't have a concussion bomb or depth charged dropped to kill the oyster being that gave him what he wanted.

The Attuned

Mandalorian Wars on Nar Shaddaa: A thief is caught

The piece was confusing, primarily because it needs polishing; you left out words a couple of times.

I was even more confused with the idea that the Mandalorians captured a planet and it's mines, then ran off the miners. You have to remember, when a country is taken by an aggressor, they rarely move in their own people to work the mines and till the fields unless it has been depopulated; I.E. everyone killed or fled. They usually just put someone in charge of those who didn't run away and leave it at that. As an example of when it did happen, the Mongols on three subsequent invasions of Europe and the Middle East slaughtered everyone in western Russia just to have enough grazing land for their herds. Then they depopulated ancient Poland trying to get the rest of Europe to attack them, and finally in the old Persian Empire slaughtered every educated person, leaving only the peasants.

Late at Night in the Mess Hall

Pre-KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: A late night meeting

The piece is fun because I know how the author feels. You set up to divide the scenes between them, and partway in, suddenly one has pretty much raised the Skull and Crossbones, and taken off for parts unknown dragging you along.

I reviewed No Boundaries, the companion piece to this one back in October of this year, and I can see why the author wanted to show both sides.

Alternate World

Pre-KOTOR: During the mission to capture Revan, Bastila returns instead with Starkiller from The Force Unleashed

The piece needs polishing. I did read the first chapter, but I kept getting thrown by word usage and sentence structure. The entire series of fight scenes felt contrived; like a Martial Arts movie where the hero just stands in the center of the room as every one of his enemies attacks in sequence. Also improper nomenclature. Look at the article; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The idea of Starkiller being thrown through time is, I will admit, a unique one. It does have interesting possibilities.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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