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Old 01-03-2014, 10:23 PM   #1376
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Starwars things arnt always what they seem

First, try not to use different forms of English when you write. I know it is fun to do so, and back during the Elizabethan era (Before codified spelling) people routinely spelled their names differently just to show off how well educated they were. But to a reader of our modern day, it's confusing.

Technical note, Timeline: The Author was trying to span too much time in the work. First, no known society on the planet has a verifiable history spanning more than a few millennia. The Old Testament for example, has the first five chapters of the work originally written by Moses starting in or around the 13th century BCE, which is less than 3400 years, and we have been able to ascertain that there were cities for the first time only as far back as the 35th century BCE, so you have a start date as it were here on Earth, of 5500 years.

Yet the author has Coruscant as a world city over 100,000 years before the Battle of Yavin, ignoring the fact that Coruscant would have needed to feed that world from other places; all before any real form of hyperspeed transport, which didn't exist (According to the Chronology) until the Raktans.

Technical note, physical and cognitive development: While I could see a race that has a faster growth rate than human, having a child go from newborn to teenaged in a about months is a stretch. Also, a child learns from the example of his elders; a kitten learns about a litter box from his mother, and how to hunt from his parent. So having him go from a month old baby to consciously trying to open cases a couple of months later is a stretch, and thinking about finance (He can sell what's in the cases) requires even more training he did not have. If I took a modern day unlocked cargo container and transported it miraculously to say a village in the 12th century BCE, it would just be a box of some strange material, and eventually (Probably a few hours to days later) someone would notice that the handles could be moved, and this would cause it to open. But if I added a lock, it never would be unless someone found a way to break the lock. We here would have the same problem with a container made by some alien race which was recovered from a damaged spaceship.

Which doesn't even include opening the contents of the crates within. Picture a case of say, canned tomatoes. Since steel is harder than just about any metal formed before it, you would have to smash a can open to even know (Beyond the label picture) what is in it.

Knights of the Old Republic III: The Dark Star
Ryuu Drake

Post TSL, approximately 100 years: The newly reformed Jedi Council send two knights to find a missing master

Remember to sight edit correct and polish. You used wined (Drank wine) instead of whined (Tone of voice) for example.

The piece is relatively well done, though it needs polishing as mentioned above.

Adam Ehrlich

Set in TOR, the aftermath of the bombing of Coruscant: A young captured Jedi gains revenge

It wasn't until the location (Coruscant) was mentioned that I figured out what era to place it in. Having the trapped young man find a link to the force he had not anticipated was well done, and his reaction afterward even better. I am willing to say flatly that almost every Jedi at one time or another had to face a situation where he can use anger to fuel his actions rather than peace, and that pretty much every one of them that did use it probably reacted the same way after the fact.

A well done piece.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic III: The True Sith

This was the first story I have seen that suggests that the Sith were actually a society that came from another galaxy. Revan here seems to think them unbeatable, but is going to try anyway.

On Lust and Carth Onasi

KOTOR no specific location given: Thinking about Carth...

Revan here is trying to rationalize why her feelings are important without slipping into the dark side again. But it reminded me of the first rule of ceremonial magic. If you have to rationalize why you should get what you want, you are wrong...

Knight of the Old Republic

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: A mad dash for safety

The only problems I had with the piece were technical.

Technical note, muscle memory: Having the character totally clueless about how to use a sword makes no sense. We, having been through the game gods alone know how many times know this is Revan. So picture this...

You have learned and practiced for years, and one thing you learn with such a weapon is how to stand, and how to use it. You don't just forget that, it's imprinted in you. This is true of anything you do repetitively, and the longer you have done it, the more likely that you will react properly. As an example not of muscle memory, but memory after an accident in general, consider Jan Berry.

Jan Berry was the lead singer of an early rock and roll duo named Jan and Dean. In 1966 Berry was in an auto accident, and suffered a severe head injury, he had trouble walking, and speaking. Yet in 1968 he made a come back because while he had to speak slowly to be understood, he was found to be quite capable of still singing and continued his career until his death in 2004.

Technical note, Escape pod size: Making an escape pod only large enough for two doesn't make a lot of sense when you come down to it. Having spent four years in the Coast Guard, two of them aboard ship, I know while we never had enough space for everyone aboard, we did carry two whale boats (fifteen men each) and two large life rafts (twenty each). For anything smaller, all we had were life jackets.

The piece skates the edge of being generic, but the author put enough into it to be saved from that. Trask was filled in (And made more substantial), and the main character came across as someone totally out of their depth, and struggling merely to survive.

Well done.

Panther squad

Clone Wars Era: A pair of Jedi arrive to command a special mission

The piece (What I read of it; one chapter) reminded me of a lot of the 'let's be more realistic' war movies that are usually labeled 'anti-war' movies. Not that they always were, just that instead of paeans of martial glory, they show the grunts on the front lines just surviving. Here we have a small group of troops sent just because the enemy has sent troops, and not even considered important enough to support beyond the occasional supply run.

That makes the two Jedi appear to be REMFs, and the actions of both solidify that thought. The padawan is busy whining about the conditions, and the master appeared to think he would just have to use what is available. Neither attitude would make your troops gung ho.

I wanted to read further because I know attitudes are going to have to change, and it isn't the line animals who will have to make that change.


Post TSL: Revan finally comes home

The piece is soft and gentle. The idea that she contacts the Exile before seeking out Carth makes sense. A couple of the stories of this specific period have her returning to find him married to someone else, and getting in touch with her old friend saves her from that.

I liked the crisp writing style and the subject matter was handled delicately. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Master Vs Apprentice

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: The final battle ends for both of them

The author states that this is a first work, and also in the profile that learning to write better is a goal. So putting on my editor/teacher hat...

Remember to proofread, my mantra to all aspiring writers is this; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. You made some grammatical errors and used the wrong words sometimes, and while this detracted from the work, it is not a major problem. You said you like proofreading other authors, just extend it to your own work. If you read my own works here, you'll see that I am by no means perfect, but I try to practice what I preach.

The only negative I had was you have created a gray Jedi here, neither dark nor light, but have her acting in a lot of ways like a dark one. I never liked the 'Jedi in a bottle' concept in the game because the only options you had were to destroy the tubes, or drain them yourself; and while the 'ends justify the means' has been touted for millennia, I have never liked the concept. Either it is evil, or it is not to me. So when I wrote my own Genesis of a Jedi (Posted finally here last year) I came up with another option to not avoid it, but merely to avoid having to run around like a lunatic with a hammer smashing all of the tubes.

The piece is stark and dark, and I kind of liked it. The idea that Revan really sees no where to go from here is a refreshing change.

The author has three more for me to read, and I am looking forward to that.

Pick of the Week


Pre TSL: Atton find the remorse he didn't know he had

The only negative I had was the scene where the torture took place. Even though old taverns and bars have rooms to rent, it would be unlikely that a Sith Assassin would rent one for a torture session. A public place is conducive to a serial killer, but if torture is involved, you have the problem that someone outside will hear the moans and screams, or smell the blood.

I did like the idea that he used the word to create his name, though you would need to pronounce it differently then the game does. But that is no biggie.

Pick of the Week

Lines in the Sand
Cursed One

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: A view of the newly assigned crewperson

Remember to proofread, my mantra to all aspiring writers is this; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. You used the wrong words a couple of time then (Instead of the) republic would fall, cloths (Usually used when meaning a small amount) instead of clothes (an outfit) there (instead of their) secrets. That kind of thing.

Also remember conversation breaks. While someone just listening in doesn't have them on paper, they would insert them automatically when they hear something. The entire commentary between the two speakers is jammed into one paragraph, and for a reader, that is confusing.

Technical note, Yavin IV: When we see the moon in the game, there is only the one small station instead of a full fledged spaceport. There are two other inhabited planets, why didn't you place it in orbit around one of them?

Technical note, reporting aboard: If you are going aboard a new ship, you don't go up to someone in a bar to tell them. For example, if you were being sent aboard say an Aircraft Carrier in harbor from a cruiser in the same harbor, you would report to the gate guard, who would call a vehicle to take you to dockside, and he would find the OOD. This goes for civilian reps as much as for crew being assigned aboard.

Technical note, threats from junior officers: You did use the one way to get away with this, but a junior officer never, never, never, threatens a superior as you had Rand do. It is one thing for a fellow captain to do it, or perhaps the exec of the other ship, the rank difference is not that great. But this is neither. If this were real life, say a junior lieutenant aboard a destroyer saying it to the captain of another destroyer, what would occur next is the captain would first move the discussion to more private quarters (You had the scene on the bridge, not in Carth's officer) and then use the same 'speaking freely' informality to rip a strip off him. The primary reason I am dinging this is Rand made it a personal threat. If he had said 'our crew would be very upset' instead of saying 'I will', it could be passed off. Watch the scene in the Original Star Trek the Motion Picture when Captain (now Commander) Decker uses this same rule to say exactly what he thinks, challenging Kirk's capabilities with a newly redesigned vessel. While acrimonious, it was within the rules.

Technical note, bridge access: A tech rep who has been aboard a ship should know that access to the bridge is restricted. Even on a carrier or modern large warship, there is not a lot of space there, and would have been told before that you request permission to enter the bridge.

The piece spans far before Taris, and does so in such a way that all of the characters we remember from the game are more clearly defined. Trask having the shakes because he's never been in combat, even the Ugly Orange Jacket becomes something he picked up on Taris rather than a fashion statement (Or as a guy I knew would have said, a fashion question).

Except for the comments mentioned above, the piece is tightly written and well portrayed.

Star Wars Republic: Commando Zero Hour
The Republican1129

During Clone Wars: The team goes from one mission to the next

The author has literally decided not to continue writing, or I hope perhaps merely not posting, and I am saddened. As someone who has been butting his head against the wall that stops an aspiring author from becoming famous, I understand the frustration.

As I don't know if this author will ever read this, I will still post the review.

My main curiosity is that you have the team facing a dark Jedi; something you would not anticipate since according to Canon the Sith have gone to the Rule of Two, and there should be no additional Sith to face. The going from one action to another is common among the Clone War stories, but considering you started with only a little over two million clones in AOTC, this is to me, understandable.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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