View Single Post
Old 01-12-2014, 09:02 AM   #1377
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Chevron 7 Locke

Set in the Sith Empire: Duty, or love?

The writing is what I would expect from this old hand in my reviews, and I wasn't disappointed. The character is split for only a moment in his mind, and what will sadly occur in the following scenes after the story merely sets in stone the grip the leadership has on their followers.

Pick of the week.

Star Wars The Old Republic: Dark Pride
Leon Angealis

Set in TOR: A Jedi falls, but needs a last sacrifice

Except for the fight scenes being a bit generic, the work is well done, the idea that the Council has learned nothing it seems in the last three centuries is a slight problem, but considering how long it took the Catholic church to change the paper they were using, not too much of one. You avoided the one thing I ding, giving every force manipulation a name. The piece is almost an unrelieved darkness. Your Sith, even the fallen one, seem to revel in their brutality.

One odd note, the Jedi are paid to supply bodyguards?

Force Persuade Rampage!
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre KOTOR: I understand you are supposed to practice all of your abilities, but there are limits...

The piece amused and surprised me. The idea that Tyla (Exile) can use Force Persuade on even her classmates is fun, but how she and Revan decide to use it is a riot.

Having everyone assume the 'punishment' she is going to suffer was even more so.

Tied for Best of the Week

Your Reflection

KOTOR on Manaan: All has been lies

The piece is short, but the introspection is deep. My own version of Revan (Genesis of a Jedi) dealt with her discovery of her true identity by looking at where the new her was different from the old. Auralee's Revan is merely seeing the mirror as yet another betrayal.

Drake Michaels

At the end of TFU darkside ending: Tormented beyond reason, Starkiller seeks his revenge

Having read up to chapter 4, you need to reread and edit the work. The flow needs polishing. Remember that a specific race or nationality is always capitalized. So rodian should be Rodian.


Post KOTOR to TSL: Carth still waits

I only had a chance to read the first chapter. Pity, because what I did read made me want to read more.

This is not light and relatively fluffy as the first works I read, and the author handles it not only gently, but well. We end this first chapter with someone doing his duty, not because the Republic needs him, but because someone asked him to.

Pick of the Week

Forever I Do

Post TS: Follow on to The Prodigal, A wedding and all the memories it brings up

The piece fits well with the portions given a combined best just two weeks ago. The side stories, how both his father and Dustil proposed were the kind of cute little things that happen at weddings.

The idea of using a public meeting hall for the wedding, with a priest, is an interesting way to do it. The only thing I took as odd was the idea that on a planet like Coruscant, with it's light pollution, you're still going to have two young lovers go out to look at the stars.

Pick of the Week

Belief and Betrayal
Shadows Of The Storm

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Tyla returns to the enclave, and receives an unexpected gift

The piece is poignant, and rather sad considering what happens after the war. Her love becoming one of her perceived enemies later.

Pick of the Week

Captain Koradis of the Empire

Pre TFU: Where Kota began

Remember to sight edit and correct. You used are instead of our, and fixated, rather than fixed for example. Don't feel to bad about that correction. If you read my works here, you will notice that I sometimes have the same problem. My mind is working so fast on laying out the scene, and my hands are running to keep up as I record it, so I will stick in the wrong word or leave them out, which you also did a couple of times.

Your battle scenes are more reminiscent of the carnage between the Napoleonic Wars and the end of the 1st World War. This suggests to me that the weaponry, lasers and blasters, are a new addition to the military of both sides. Up until WWI, the main viable enemy of the infantry was cavalry. If you read the book 1633 by Larry Flint, you have a modern day group of Americans caught in the 30 Years War where the Pike formation is still the norm, and the Americans are merely assuming that adding flintlock rifles will change the battlefield.

Yet the reenactors among those Americans, and demonstrations in live wargames set in the book shows the standard methods used in WWII; skirmishers, were being routinely run down by cavalry troops who know that even with the more rapid reloading allowed by using the Minie ball, a cavalry unit can travel fast enough for most of them to survive to reach the line of unsupported infantry. The main reason for the creation of the bayonet was because when they get close enough for that, you still needed something to fend off an approaching horseman. Armies routinely stayed in tight formations out of the previous era because a single man or small group cannot cover enough frontage.

When WWI was fought, the weapons mix had shifted enough that mass charges as you portray merely meant you had your troops killed in job lots against trenches machine guns and the newly developed indirect fire artillery the Germans had pioneered.

Darth Phobos: The Hidden Fear

3,000 years Before Yavin: The quinessential dark lord begins her rise

Having never played TFU (Not enough memory on my machine) I was confused as to why the story started three millennia previously. But considering what she could do at age seven, I could see her growing into a boogeyman in her own right. The Author is British, and I knew it immediately with the neat lift of a Black Adder quote.

I didn't have time to read it all, merely the first chapter. But it was an intriguing look into the life of a Sith Lord.


Post TSL: Revan's daughter must learn the force and complete her mother's mission

First, remember that a paragraph is usually only three or four sentences tied to one specific thought. Your very first one covers pretty much all of the lives of her parents and the sleepover in one lump. Second, remember conversation breaks.

Think of a story as a road going from one place to another. For the reader, it is supposed to take them to the world you have created, with you driving, and all they have to do is watch the scenery. What you've done is like the joking scenes they do where miles are done in an instant, the scenery flashing by at warp speed, and they are more concerned with hanging on the sissy bar beside the door rather than really seeing anything.

Technical note, Hybrids: One character is what you called a Tokra, or half wookie. This would not be as easy as you might imagine, or as Star Trek would have you believe. H. Beam Piper in his short story 'When in the Course...' said it best when a spaceship lands on a world where the inhabitants look completely human. What you have is a lock made on one world, and on another 600 light years away, you have someone making a key. Neither has even spoken to each other, so they know nothing about what the other is making, so the odds that the key will not only fit, but work is almost impossible.

This was addressed in the Book, Vulcan in the Star Wars Expanded Universe by having Vulcan geneticists creating the hybrid that became Spock in a laboratory. In the SW universe you have both the Kamino and Ithorians who could possibly handle the genetics.

Tecnhical Note, Destroying planets: Except for the scene where the Death Star destroyed Alderaan, none of the other planets 'destroyed' were actually destroyed. To paraphrase Ian Malcom from the book version of Jurassic Park, all you have done is make it difficult if not impossible for anyone to live there. Even the most virulent of radiation sources (Plutonium has a half life of over 4 billion years) would not do it. It would only cause forms of life either resistant or immune to the effects to take the stage, and considering the SW universe is far beyond such feeble weapons, I honestly don't see anyone using something so retrograde, since it would take several dozen dirty bombs to totally depopulate a world.

The primary problem I saw was you have a nascent Jedi with no training at all charging off to save the day.

Star Wars: The Shipjacker

During Mandalorian Wars: The person who stole the Ebon Hawk from Vhek had help...

For those who don't remember him, Vhek is the character the Exile meets on Nar Shaddaa who claims the Ebon Hawk was his. From what he says we know that Davik Kang had bought the ship not long before the arrival of the main character in KOTOR, and has been trying to get it back for several years. The TSL didn't really cover much about the man, only that his ship had been stolen.

This tightly written story had a unique twist at the end, and one thing I like with any author is when they surprise me. There's only one minor thing that bothered me...

Since Jabba was willing to place the bounty on Han Solo because of one cargo load of spice, how did Vhek survive?

Tied for Best of the Week

Humans are mammals

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: All right, where did this conversation start?

One thing I have always loved in Star Wars is the idea that beyond what goes where and why, most of the aliens share a common sense of humor. Mission comes across as the pedantic teacher explaining why it can't be so. Revan is having way too much fun with both the placement of Carth's... fur, and why Juhani has only one set of breasts. The men are hopelessly outnumbered when these three get down and dirty.

Pick of the Week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,