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Old 03-08-2014, 10:14 PM   #1389
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The Legendary Zhuge Liang VII

Continuation of the Saga: Chan trains, and yet more assassins are sent after the main character

You have a sentence out of sequence. Since there is only one person on that side, he of course would have to attack that one person; you didn't have to say who the thug was attacking, merely that he attacked again. And when Chan intervened, he would kick him twelve times in the face, not kicked twelve times the man's face.

When it now becomes a duel between Chan and the old man, it is in the face, not on the face. And it is lets go of his leg.

As for boiled water, that is what you do to purify it. It is not the temperature when you encounter it, so it should be boiling water. It would be sweating, not sweat. And it is hard to find, not found. It is to extraordinary heights for a human. And 'rare herbs' cannot train anyone, they merely aid in healing and toughening up the muscles.

It is not except for his teacher, it is someone with his teacher.

For someone who is apolitical, the Abbot's reaction doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If a target ends up killing his assassins, it is not usual for the organization to hold a grudge. As I pointed out in another work, if the old KGB had gotten into revenge for actions by another government, or a specific agent's work, the number of people dying in any given year would increase dramatically.

And unless he has the larger army, throwing in with Zhou Yu who was leading an alliance of 80,000 men doesn't make sense from the 'you are stronger' cant of the monk.

There was only one time, Berlin during the mid 60s, that different espionage agencies got into a direct feud almost like a gang war, and that was ended at the executive level because of the number of field agents that had to be replaced on both sides.

The situation is sometimes confusing, and I think it is the version you watched and are novelizing. It is a stereotype of Kung Fu movies to have a bunch of random thugs attack some old man in the street who turns out to be some super Kung Fu master.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang VIII

Continuation of the Saga: Chan helps foil an assassination attempt

'Except for me, and other people witnessed what happened last night' doesn't make sense. It would read better to cut out the first phrase entirely, and merely say 'that there were other people who witnessed what happened last night'.

The problem I had with the scene it is such an obvious ploy that the Abbot would probably not be taken in by it.

For someone as apolitical as Chan is supposed to be, having him decide to follow the assassin because he knows Zhuge Liang's history with the Taoists doesn't make a lot of sense. After all, with thousands of followers, he'd have nothing else he could do in his life.

Also, you do not need to mention the courtesy name of a character every time he is introduced into a new work. As an example, if I were writing a series of scene where I meet the president, I do not give his given name, then add (The President). I would give his title and name the first time you meet him, and use either the title from that point on, or the name, not both. So if I wrote something as long as this has been so far, I would merely say the president each time he pops up again unless someone speaks to him directly using the other name.

It is dodges his attacks again and again. And when Jing is kicking, you don't need to say he tries to kick him, merely that he kicks with his right leg the number of times. And it is a lot of blood.

The primary negative I have with the chapter is that the main character is automatically going to accept the word of someone he knew for only a few hours. Servants tend to work for people for months if not years, and he would be suspicious. Of course on the balance, he might accept his word because he knows the younger man constantly avoided political entanglements, and having someone assassinated is almost automatically a political act.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang IX

Continuation of the Saga: Preparing for the next campaign

It is he had arrived, and was sent. Also if the readers had kept up with you so far, you do not need to repeat how important the next campaign is. You do not need to enumerate every ploy the spy is using to be able to wander about as he wishes.

'in the barracks soldiers come out from down in the ground onto the surface' should be in the barracks, trapdoors open, and the hidden soldiers in the secret tunnels come out. Also siege engines unless dismantled and stuck in hidden caves or concealed in say a large supply of firewood, are something any veteran soldier would recognize. Until the invention of cannon, Most armies didn't transport the entire siege engine, they transported the metal parts, and used local lumber to build the weapon on site. And Cao Ren will crush Zhou Yu once and for all.

Again I think it is the version you are using to novelize. Like the '80,000 against 800,000 but the smaller force wins' it is totally unrealistic.

Here, you have supposedly 120,000 men inside the city, against only 30,000. There has never been a battle during history I can find where such a force defeated one of superior numbers.

Also no force even if sure of their security would not have scouts out to watch for enemy forces. You have two different armies so clueless that they do not spot several thousand men camped less than ten miles (The distance an army can force march in two hours) away. The failure of the Confederates at Gettysburg was because JEB Stuart was too busy showboating to do his job.

The Good News and the Bad News

Post TSL: With no sequel in sight, everyone in that universe is now really ticked off

The piece was funny almost from the start. Having seen TV shows suddenly drop off the air, and especially for a time there when the average new show lasted barely six episodes, I can understand why everyone is upset.

Some of the comments were really funny. Atton being added to the game because all of the female players would nod off if Mical was the only love interest, that no one can beat him at Pazaak except for the Female Exile, but she never plays for money, and Kreia becoming more and more cranky that people keep asking about their personal futures.

They did explore the options that might get them back into the game, from time travel to sending HK47 into our world to eliminate the writers of TOR so they could get their own stories to finish.

Having never actually read the book, it reminds me of the comments made about Turlough O'Brien's At Swims Two Birds, where the characters in the book want to circumvent the writer to finish the bloody thing, even up to sending an assassin if necessary to keep the meddling SOB from working on it.

Pick of the Week

Turning Back

Pre KOTOR: The choice to go back and start over is still there.

Remember to sight edit. You have some words and phrases that don't really work, and that is what a sight edit is made to correct.

Minor continuity problem; you have the admiral as a member of Leviathan's crew, then turn around and have him glad he isn't aboard Malak's command ship, which was Leviathan.

The piece was very, very interesting. The idea that Revan had started to feel that she was going about it the wrong way, and knowing that she has too many subordinates who would play dog in a manger rather than admit they can't win is a refreshing change. Revan doesn't really give up, she's decided to use a different tactic instead.

Pick of the Week

A Voice Heard

TSL Aboard Ravager: Visas begins her mission

The piece almost slipped by me. We all remember when she reports the Exile's Force presence, and by starting before it, having her literally revel in the life beyond the ship is an interesting touch. Having her hold that feeling from the Exile as if it were a cherished pet rather sad.

The only negative I had was that you had Nihilus actually speak, but that is very minor.

Six chapters, and I wish I could read them all.

Tied for best of the Week

From the Beginning

Pre Mandalorian War AU: There's more to fight about than just who's is the best with a weapon

A very interesting take on the characters. The only problem I had with it is that according to the dialogue in KOTOR, Bastila is nineteen. The Mandalorain Wars once the Jedi entered it lasted about four years, and segued with about a year hiatus into the Jedi Civil war, which lasted two and a half.

With those figures, and assuming this happens right before they left, it would make Bastila eleven. A little too young to have hormones running amuck.

Journey to Darkness


Remember to sight edit, you used and instead of an, and nit instead of knit. Also, even the most mountainous terrain would have more than four clearings, especially across something the size of an inhabitable planet.

Technical note, fighters: Until ANH, fighters were too small to have hyperdrive. Remember that during the prequel trilogy, fighters used a hyperdrive ring, so having Bandon hyper out at the end of the first chapter shouldn't happen.

The Jedi characters at least come across as clueless, right down to the Council. If say the Union Corse (French mob) or say the Colombian mob had placed a contract, you wouldn't go to one of their bases to discuss having the contract voided. After all, everyone there would have the equivalent of dollar signs dancing in their heads when a Jedi arrives. Then contacting the ships in orbit without bothering to even maneuver to keep your distance, or prepare to put up shields.

For an example of what you would do instead, read the Story 'Salamander Four' from the book Pieces of Modesty. The main character confronts one of the heads of a super crime organization in a restaurant. She then uses language in a hyperbole, since both she and the man know what he is, explaining why if he knows this mythical Salamander four (Then naming each of the men in it) he should really warn them that they have gotten her angry at them.

She then describes a few methods for killing all four of them, down to locations and how if the contract on one man is not removed very soon, she will be forced to take steps... All the while to someone who might be listening just having a polite conversation with someone she had just met.

In fact I used the same basic scene pared down in my own work We Need a Hero(ine) over at Lucasforums, post #8. If you search for it using Google, remember to tell it again when it shows heroine instead that you want it as I typed it above.

Knights of the Old Republic: The Leviathan
Princess Fawna

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: The final battle between Saul and Carth

Remember to sight edit and polish. You had phrases that need polishing. As an example, 'Carth would have his revenge, or die trying to get it' doesn't need the last three words.

Two other things. First, Saul has plenty of time to prepare for the arrival of these three, so he shouldn't have to tell his people to attack, he would have added a comment that told them to. In fact if three armed people burst onto the bridge of a ship, the crew would have pretty much started firing unless Saul had ordered them not to. Ending his last line of dialogue by having him say 'sad' could have been enough to start the fight.

Second, with a Force Bond where you are sharing emotions and memories, Bastila would not have to cross the room physically in the middle of a battle to warn Mara. Just a soothing thought sent along it would do all of that without the enemy even knowing something is wrong.

Technical note, weapon effects: You have two shots hit Saul in the heart, yet have him still alive to tell Carth the truth. Even if these were merely bullets from a modern weapon, this wouldn't be the case. With blasters it is worse. A blaster uses tibanna gas, and unlike a laser, creates a packet of plasma that impacts on the target. Picture a pea from a peashooter, but with a temperature of several thousand degrees. It would convert the surface into a slightly cooler form on impact.

As Tom Clancy pointed out in Cardinal of the Kremlin, a laser, (Or blaster) with that much power causes an explosion instead of burning a hole. In this case about as big as a piece of C4 the size of the pea, or taping a crimped down .22 caliber bullet casing and setting it off from a distance. It would shatter the bones of the ribs and sternum, and drive the fragments back into the body with predictable results. And no amount of training is going to keep you alive with a ruptured heart. Making it one shot, and moving it a small distance (about two inches to either side of the heart itself) would have left him alive enough for the climax of the scene.

I liked the scene except for the flaws mentioned. They did not detract as much as this review might make you think. I just try to strive for reality when it is ignored.

A Journey of Two

Pre-Mandalorian War: Two young Jedi begin their first real quest

The piece was short enough that I read it all the way through. The situation is not at the stage yet where even the Republic is actually involved. According to my memory, and the article Mandalorian Wars in the Wookiepedia, the conflict went for almost ten years before the Republic was even threatened. This like WWII was followed by a Phony War period of about one year, then the attacks into Republic Space began.

While the unaligned planets outside might have asked for aid from either the Jedi or the Republic itself, this was not forthcoming. When the Republic finally was attacked, there were still several years where the Jedi had not been involved; either had not been asked, or the Council decided not to act.

So what we have here is Ravan and Malak getting ready to get involved against the dictates of the Order. A well done, albeit short piece.

Project Twilight

Right after the final battle on Malachor V: What does the Exile do now?

This is a first work, and as it stands, not too bad. I never played the game with a Dark Side character, but I could see it coming as you would have anticipated. I didn't have time to read further than chapter one, but so far, so good. My only complaint; alter means to change. The word is altar.

KOTOR: The Fall Of Light
Lord Noctis

Three months Post KOTOR: As problems begin, Revan is unable to help

The author has been away for a while, and somehow I have never reviewed the previous works. I will correct this in my next posting.

Remember to sight edit. As an example. You misspelled Consular. Also, you've created cumbersome sentences by having someone talk, and only then giving their names, with the descriptions separate.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II

Post TFU: The character returns to this world in his own mind

Since I couldn't play TFU on my machine, I had not even bothered to follow it, and likewise for TFU II. So I actually had to find the intro you used (I went through two before I did) to see it.

The author has never written a fan fic before, and it shows. Oh not negatively except for what I said below; but at my age (61 in July) seeing the first efforts is in a way cute and painful. Cute because they are trying, and painful because you know they are going to make some of the same mistakes you did when you started.

The main negative I have for this is all you did was follow the dialogue. When I say a work is 'generic', that is what I mean. They aren't putting themselves into it, they are merely repeating rote dialogue.

The only part that was you was the mental anguish he was going through, and that was well done. But even watching the trailer I could see ways to expand it, make it more you. A large part of that, on my side, is almost 45 years of writing experience, and getting my inner child to work with me. I don't do it often, but if you want some advice, PM me.

So my request, is give us more of your own voice.

Memories of a Stranger
Avid Reader403

KOTOR on Taris: The person he once was begins to show through...

The piece is well laid out, and Carth's confusion matches what I wrote in my Genesis of a Jedi which is posted here.

In this version, you have someone who had commanded for years, so naturally falls back into that pattern. Few explanations, merely a 'wait, I've got it'. Attitude. In my own version, I had my character (Who has memories of only a sergeant) used the logic that they were in her environment, a ground combat and scouting situation, rather than a naval one which meant she was more experienced.

As much as the US Navy technically is in charge of the Marines in a ground operation, since they are two different skill sets which I expanded on in my Return From Exile and Memories of Dxun) the one with the most experience should be leading.

Very well done. If I had time I would read it all.

Tied for best of the Week

Shattered Destiny

A repost of a previous review given on kotorfanmedia (28 April 2012) which went belly up over a year ago. I didn't know if the author had read that review, so I am posting it here, as it was a Pick of the Week

Post TSL: A young Mandalorian warrior gets a chance to become a Jedi

The piece is excellently done, both from the technical view, but from characterization view as well. I always love a story where the Mando'a are represented not as thugs, but as honorable peoples.

First Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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