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Old 03-16-2014, 08:35 PM   #1394
machievelli
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The Legendary Zhuge Liang X
Christos200

Continuation of the Saga: Preparing for the next campaign

It's this man is, not is this man, into the Southland, not in the Southland, it is block his attacks again and again, it is with speed, not fastness, it should be let's fight unarmed, not bare arms, it is tries to kicks So thrice, and kicks him in the head, not on.

Again we have the problem we have faced through this entire piece. First, marching 40 armed men through any early civilized society is going to noticed by peasants and peasants will warn the government. Killing any witnesses along the way will also be noticed, before you suggest it. As much as this 'Taoist' organization might be feared, it will be reported anyway.

The idea that the Abbot won't merely announce himself (If they are so well known, it would make more sense) and instead attack a General and slaughter his troops will also not go unnoticed.

The escape started well, but again, falls apart because as gifted as the combatants are, the idea that 40 trained warriors cannot deal with a mere three men is again not really within the realm of possibility. For such a small number to fight such a large one, either you need an area where they cannot bring their full weight to bear (A narrow place where one or two can face an equal number) or literally as I once joked, 'they won because the writer was on their side.

The plot to kill Liu is the only part that makes sense, except for the fact that doing so violates diplomatic procedure, since you are not going to get him to enter your area of control without solemn promises of safe passage.

The Legendary Zhuge Liang XI
Christos200

Continuation of the Saga: Protecting Liu

'Following in secret Liu Bei' should be 'following Liu Bei in secret', 'Kwonk, furious that the woman refuses to sit with him, shouts'. Should be 'Kwonk, shouts, furious that the woman refuses to sit with him', 'givers her a slapping', should be 'slaps her', should be grabs the man 'by' the hair, (minor note, a stomach wound, even if it eviscerates the target is not going to be an instant kill) then throws the knife imbedding in the head not on the head, it is have his father kill you not to kill you, have got to help, steals from the poor, it is you are under arrest, attack the soldiers with the tables, the villager are killed before the number is mentioned, you keep tend to hit people on the head and face or stomach rather than in, then grab from the hair rather than by, and kicking by the face than in the face.

As much as it is a common stock in such movies, training does not give you skin capable of turning a weapon blade.

Considering the king is ignoring his people's needs it isn't surprising that there is an almost instant revolt. What is surprising is that he can A: succeed in getting enough tax money to pay for his military, and B: is even considered someone worth negotiating with. It was said best in Utwarerumono, a government is there for their people, not the other way around.

Star Wars: Another Choice
Chevron 7 Locke

Continuation of the Author's previous work: His choice is made, and he is content.

The piece is a lot more soft edged than before. The man once a Sith and his wife/apprentice have sent their daughter away to save her.

Pick of the Week

Taking the Galaxy
Darth Noot

During Mandalorian Wars: Following Manda'lor as he seeks out the Jedi General

The piece has an interesting flavor to it, looking deeper into the Mando'a psyche than most will try. Having Manda'lor go hunting for his prey alone, because he doesn't need to show off his skills, or bodyguards to cover his back.

When the surrender demand comes it is the General who tells Vaklu that the word doesn't even translate, they won't understand. This version of her, as my own Exile, knows her enemy.

My only confusion is how she could be on the captured ship, fight and die, yet be standing before Manda'lor at Dxun. It isn't a matter of 'you all look alike'. Except for the few Mando'a who are of the old Taung race, they are as human as the Republic troops.

Apprentice Days
CamgrCagra

Pre Clone Wars: A pair of Jedi are sent on a mission.

Editing point, I don't know if maybe it was an error in your word processing program, but having everything underlined and bold face soon becomes a minor irritation. Let your words sell your story, not the fancy emphasis caused by this. That way when you wish to be more emphatic, you can poke the reader with just enough to get the point across.

The scene didn't fit with the time period you set it in. The Sith are supposedly extinct (Though the Jedi Council knows about the Rule of two, and think they are ready) So having a bunch of Dark Jedi running around doesn't make sense. It would be like a modern day pair of cops being sent to capture a bunch of renegade hostile Indians today.

Fracture
Raven Studios

Pre TSL: Jaq gets more than he bargained for

The primary negative is that someone who is going to torture someone is going to rent a room in what sounds like a common bordello doesn't make a lot of sense. Where you do have repressive regimes, they would start their own places for such things, and have clean up crews for afterward.

The last negative is that Jaq would be housed in the Academy. If the Jedi are the equivalent of the officers, the Assassin would be their version of senior enlisted men. And they are not housed in the same quarters.

As a character study it is well done. Going through the events that caused the change, seeing him sliding further and further from the Sith worker drone mentality to the extent that people who might consider him a friend might notice. And we're there to watch it behind his eyes.

Exodus
Mark Ryan

Pre TSL: As the purge of the Jedi Begins, a slaughter occurs.

I didn't have time to read more than the first portion, but I was left with more questions than answers. First, why run to a place where you have known resources? The first actions that follow a purge is to destroy those sanctuaries. In ROTS the instant the Emperor gave General Order 66, the Clones began liquidating Jedi in the field, and Vader as he had just been dubbed led the attack on the temple on Coruscant. No doubt units stationed on other worlds with known temples were also taken under attack at the same time. I can think of a half a dozen reasons for them to be stationed there as Foghorn Leghorn would have said, 'for just such an emergency'.

In actual real life purges, the ones who survive are those who have not yet reached the known strongholds, or have fled to places that are not considered in that plan. Yoda for example, goes to Dagobah, which is not on that list, as Tatooine where Ben Kenobi went was not. All you have the Jedi do, is round themselves up to save them the trouble of finding you.

And why does the planet's surface even bother to change? If I could literally kill everything in place with say a high speed neutron cannon from orbit (Which is what would happen when everything dies) the buildings would still be there, trees would still be standing, crops would be in the fields, only the life has been removed. With no microbes remaining to cause rot, the only remaining effects to be noticed would be withering from lack of water (Plants pump the water up, if they are already dead, they will wither) bodies would mummify rather than bloating. If you came back in say a year, the bodies would still be there, the trees would be be barren stalks devoid of leave, with only the sound of wind and water to even suggest that life had once been there.

In fact after such an expedition left, there would be life again, at least from the germs and microbes left by the people who visited.

Doubt
LaFilleDesYeuxMarrons

TSL on Malachor V: Sion has to admit that he hates what he loves

Of the three Sith villains of the piece, Sion comes across as the saddest of the lot to me. Kreia gets the whip hand and the ability to drive others mad with their own fears. Nihilus is as i called him an omnivoracity that eats everything he comes across. Sion? He is functionally immortal and indefatigable, but looks, as Atton said, like he sleeps with active vibroblades.

But he wishes it were not so, and she is the living embodyment of everything he has lost.

In my own version, Return From Exile, I have him break that taciturn shell to give all of it to the Exile, who in that work knew who he once was.

Unsettled
Lerolain

Five years after KOTOR, a year post TSL: Revan finally returns, and the greeting are... mixed

Historically, it is always easier to put responses to a threat into place after the fact. With us now in the 12th year after 911, just decide to fly somewhere if you don't believe me. So having security as tight as this makes sense, and while extremely oppressive, having a squad ready to blast the occupant if she makes a false move would make sense if the 'bad' Revan is aboard.

I especially liked the offhand comment that Kreia had lied to her, which caused her to leave on what might be an unnecessary mission.

As you might have noticed, it is rare for me to read something, and immediately curse that I can't read further. 7 chapter, 14,000+ words, and all I get to read is the intro? (Whine).

Tied for Best of the Week

TFUIIDRABBLE
demyx-fan-10

Drabble based on TFU II: All right, let's get silly.

I was chuckling before I finished the work, and being less than a page, that's hard to do to me. The plaintive 'who turned out the lights?' when he uses force lightning was to me a 'you did, putz' moment, and the comment, 'Screwed you are' set me off.

Glowsticks of death...

Tied for Best of the Week

My AngelCarth One Shot
Jedi Padme

AU Set six months to a year after KOTOR: Carth vows to change

Not really long enough to comment on style. Like every father through history, Carth is making promises he might not be able to keep. But let's leave him that illusion...

Freedom Is a Lie
NitWhit7

During TOR about a decade after fall of Coruscant: A Sith goes to Rhen Var to collect a prize

Being a bit confused by what I, after 45 years of honing my craft, would call obvious errors, I check out the author's page for information. Since she is a college level student, admits she is primarily self taught, and asked for feedback, I will put on my 'English teacher' hat.

Remember to sight edit. You used words incorrectly that would pass a spell checker, so you had the character felt instead of fell, and wasn't phased (Changed) by using an acquired skill when it should be fazed (Bothered), shear (cut) instead of sheer (Steep or difficult) used twice, led (Completing the act) instead of lead (guide), loose (release) instead of lose (fail to control). You also have the opposite pole of a problem I have. I tend to use punctuation badly by using too much. You seem to do the same by not using enough.

Technical note starfighters: I don't know if the game designers for TOR made a serious continuity blunder or not (I never played it. Was selected for beta, downloaded the game, but it would never play) but the canon has fighters using hyper rings rather than internal hyperdrive capability until the Empire was forged after (Don't get angry, I dislike the way it is portrayed as well for technical reasons) the Clone Wars.

Old WWII cruisers had hulls inches thick while a destroyer of the same era had one of about half an inch. A fighter doesn't have the space or mass to put in several inches of metal. The average modern combat plane for example has hulls of a few millimeters.

Technical note, Dealing with Sith: For someone who appears to be a Jedi, having Alapus just knuckle under doesn't make sense. Consider the Canon on how the average Sith acts. You see a spoiled brat who thinks the rest of humanity is there for their amusement. The Sith students in Korriban in KOTOR come to mind. If that is how they treat other hopefuls, what do you think they do to the 'lesser' classes? Once you are of no use, you are expendable. If you did something stupid like attack them (As he did), you're just trying to talk the guard into letting you go on the way to the gallows.

The basic story and adventure was very good, and I followed it to the end, even if it was over 11,000 words. The scenes were well laid out, though the time line was as confusing for me as it was for the character. The fight when her parents died didn't help because the blades (Indicating the sides) were too confusing to keep track of. A blue blade kills her mother, a gold blade defends her father, and pretty much everyone ends up like a Shakespearian Tragedy with her alone and unconsious.

The Doashim Chronicles
NitWhit7

During TOR after fall of Coruscant: A young boy's trip to visit his parents takes an unsuspected turn

Technical note, hyperspace navigation: You shouldn't need to maintain a set course and speed to return to hyperspace. In ANH Han Solo first went into pursuit of the TIE fighter, was carried some distance aboard the Deathstar, and turned and burned during the escape.

Technical note, The ambush you described: In the example above, the TIE fighter was detected by the sensors before it passed by, and the sensors should have detected the 'black ship' without the use of the Mark One eyeball. The use of light and sound to keep the flight crew occupied long enough to allow you to board unopposed was excellent.

The shoot out was well done, though I have a thing about personal shields, since the only time you see them through the entire Genre is only during TPM, meaning they wouldn't be possible (Or inexpensive enough even for military use until then.

The story is much more tightly written than the last piece. The attitude of the Twi-Lek woman to her comrades death pretty much told me if the well laid ambush did not that, this is a pirate vessel. So it is obvious what's in the crate is some kind of booty, and the captain allowing her to live because she's a reliable witness, what any reasonably intelligent team of pirates would need. Since there is a lot of supposed undiscovered such caches, it says a lot about the mentality of those who buried it and died before recovering it.

As for the boy's survival, making him the bad guy in the loss of three men only makes sense if he is going to become a member of the crew...

Pick of the Week

Reminiscences
psychobabblers

Post KOTOR Durin Revan's time away: Two different planets, two different weathers. And both are upset because it reminds them of what they had together

An intriguing little piece. Revan loving rainy days and dragging Carth out for force assisted picnics in it, Revann remembering how on bright sunny days it was Carth dragging her out instead.

Now, separated, they are each living through a moment the other loved more. I liked her reaction to the plank falling on her, using force lightning to fry it until the hut collapses.

A simple aside of my own interest. Nike. After the missile series? Or the Greek Goddess?

KotOR III The Rescue of the Republic
Nocturnals Warrior

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The plot is set

As the writer is Dutch (Can't tell if that means National or just lives there) and might be ESL, I will only make the following comment on style:

Remember conversation breaks. Think of a story like a river flowing smoothly from here to there, and your reader is just drifting along with the flow. Having to mentally keep track of who is talking causes the reader to stop drifting and pay attention, and not in a good way. You should not have to work and puzzle through a fiction piece.

The problem I always have with most of the stories about Malachor V is the idea that Revan intentionally arranges to pretty much massacre off all of her followers. Having the SMG be too powerful, that I can accept, that it was a last ditch attempt to destroy the enemy, that I can accept.

But a 'miilitary genius' does not just slaughter off everyone until he's positive he won't need them. Remember, the Mandalorians are beaten, but if they do not submit, it will have to descend to Genocide. Look up the operations starting with Coronet for the invasion of the Japanese home islands. And the estimated civilian casualties. Try half a million Americans per Island, and 70% or more of the Japanese dead.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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