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Old 07-30-2002, 11:43 AM   #2
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Gabez's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 3,147
I've just read it and I think it's brilliant. There were a few things I personally thought could have made it better, though:

* More imaginative description techniques. You rarely go into senses or smell, for instance. However, I loved the analogies you used like - "The room tipped and rolled like a ship in a storm".

* I would have liked a stronger "voice" to tell the story. So instead of "he did this" etc. you could have has the older Ben recall his memories from the beginning. Not only would this have made the ending make more sense, but it also would have given you the ability to change tense and have the older Ben reflect every now and again on the unfolding events. Like Film Noir.

* I thought the beginning and training bits took two long. Or to put it another way, they werenít exciting enough. I really liked the rally, though. I think you could have built up to the rally better and had it as the center of the whole story.

Thatís the main points I have. Of course, I could go on about how much I loved it too, but I think I already covered that on IRC. Anyway, I hope my babbling analysis was some use to you! And keep on with the story writing, youíre great.
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