lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: Revan's Revenge
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 02-17-2009, 04:49 AM   #1
Lord of Destruction
Rookie
 
Lord of Destruction's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Malachor 5
Posts: 173
Current Game: TSL
Revan's Revenge

This is going to be my fan fic and i know people have done this before but this will be orginal

The summary for this story is about Revan going to the Mando wars, and him becoming the Lord of the sith but when hes a sith. hes not going to be as evil as malak but he will be very, very dark

Lord of Destruction has requested a fanfic review for this thread.

Bow down to the Lord of Destruction May the force serves you well.
Lord of Destruction is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 07:15 AM   #2
Lord of Destruction
Rookie
 
Lord of Destruction's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Malachor 5
Posts: 173
Current Game: TSL
Chapter 1
In the heart of Mandalore, the final son of Mandalore the great was born.

Mandalore's wife Jessica was in pain, she had just given birth, and was dying a very painful death, but while she was dying got visions of the futer of her son of all the honor. he will resolve and then she saw what she wished she would never see her son do he was killing his father with a bright blood stand red light saber through his heart and another purple light saber cleaving off his head, but disturber her the most was that he enjoyed it then everything stopped her heart her brain then she started to crash but there was one word that spaced her mouth before she died, and that was Revan.

this is a better preview for my first chapter there will be more emotion when i really do it but i hope you guys like it


Bow down to the Lord of Destruction May the force serves you well.

Last edited by Lord of Destruction; 03-17-2009 at 09:04 PM.
Lord of Destruction is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 07:44 AM   #3
Admiral_Thrawn
Junior Member
 
Admiral_Thrawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: England
Posts: 323
Current Game: Empire at War: FoC
You need to check your spelling as it truly it quite bad. Futer? Resive? Such things are easily noticed. You may want to hold off on releasing more until you learn to spell . . . and use grammar. No offense.


Grand Admiral of the Imperial Remnant.
"This one is constantly thinking, analyzing, strategizing. He showed no fear, but was curious, studying me in turn."
―Emperor Palpatine
"All thoughts are worth listening to, whether later judged to be of value or not."
―Thrawn
"I have no qualms about accepting a useful idea merely because it wasn't my own."
―Thrawn
"Butů it was so artistically done."
―Thrawn's last words
-Master Tactician
Admiral_Thrawn is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 07:50 AM   #4
Astor
It's Thornhill!
 
Astor's Avatar
 
Status: Super Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Warwickshire, UK
Posts: 3,632
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member Forum Veteran Helpful! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Admiral_Thrawn View Post
You need to check your spelling as it truly it quite bad. Futer? Resive? Such things are easily noticed. You may want to hold off on releasing more until you learn to spell . . . and use grammar. No offense.
Not quite the way i'd put it, or possibly the way it should be put, if one is to encourage the writer further. Try to keep criticism constructive.

@ Lord of Destruction,


It's very short, but, given that you say it's a preview, the brevity isn't an issue. I would recommend proof-reading and spell-checking your work, however, and possibly getting someone else to check it beforehand.

If you want the opinion of one of the writers here before you post the finished chapter, you can use the Beta service - if you ask one of the writers there they should be more than willing to oblige you.

AK.







Last edited by Astor; 02-17-2009 at 08:13 AM.
Astor is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 08:20 AM   #5
Lord of Destruction
Rookie
 
Lord of Destruction's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Malachor 5
Posts: 173
Current Game: TSL
thanks i didn't know i'll get somebody to help me


Bow down to the Lord of Destruction May the force serves you well.
Lord of Destruction is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 02:53 PM   #6
Admiral_Thrawn
Junior Member
 
Admiral_Thrawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: England
Posts: 323
Current Game: Empire at War: FoC
Sorry, I was tired when typing that. It came out slightly . . . offensive. Sorry about that. But to help you advance you may wish to check your work twice before submitting meaning someone wont have to point out these mistakes. Apart from the that the story seems to have a nice foundation, I'll probaly keep track of this. Good luck with your Fan-Fic LoD


Grand Admiral of the Imperial Remnant.
"This one is constantly thinking, analyzing, strategizing. He showed no fear, but was curious, studying me in turn."
―Emperor Palpatine
"All thoughts are worth listening to, whether later judged to be of value or not."
―Thrawn
"I have no qualms about accepting a useful idea merely because it wasn't my own."
―Thrawn
"Butů it was so artistically done."
―Thrawn's last words
-Master Tactician
Admiral_Thrawn is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-17-2009, 05:54 PM   #7
Lord of Destruction
Rookie
 
Lord of Destruction's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Malachor 5
Posts: 173
Current Game: TSL
Thanks, and it was 5:00AM when i was writing this so i was tried too


Bow down to the Lord of Destruction May the force serves you well.
Lord of Destruction is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 02-20-2009, 03:59 PM   #8
LordOfTheFish
Senior Member
 
LordOfTheFish's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 2,724
Current Game: Tomb Raider
Forum Veteran 
Well, I think that it is a good story. But even for a preview, it lacks length. You may want to include more next time and re-read your story 2-3 times before finally posting it. This will help you find those small little errors that Astor, and Thrawn mentioned.

LordOfTheFish is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > Revan's Revenge

Tags
darth, lord, malak, revan, sith

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:10 PM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.