It's October, and tonight's the full moon. Here's a little sillyfic I cooked up to honour the occasion. Enjoy, then go out and party hard!
THE GARGOYLE HUNTER
NARRATOR: Today, on The Crocodile Hunter, join Steve Irwin as he ventures to New York to investigate "the Gargoyle Phenomenon."
*Steve Irwin, the CROCHUNTER, in his typical khakis, is slowly walking along an NYC rooftop. It is night, a full moon glows, and he is speaking directly into the camera in his usual hypercaffeinated state*
CROCHUNTER: I'm here in New York looking for gargoyles. Now gargoyles, as ya may know, are those monstrous-looking statues built on some old buildings, but those aren't the ones ah'm hunting for tonight. Y'see, gargoyles are an actual living species. They were discovered only a few years ago, and now we've found colonies of 'em all over the planet. The reason I'm looking here in a city is because gargoyles, like raccoons and other animals, prefer to live near human communities, like scavengers. . .
CROCHUNTER: Crikey! Look, there's one now!
*the camera swings over to show HUDSON, sitting on a piece of roof architecture and dozing*
CROCHUNTER: We're really lucky here, folks. If I'm not mistaken, this is a genuine living gargoyle.
*Crochunter is creeping ever closer*
CROCHUNTER: Here, lookit this! This one's a male, a real beaut.
*Crochunter points to Hudson's beard, his finger mere inches away*
CROCHUNTER: Look at the beard!
HUDSON: Wha? Eh? What're you--
CROCHUNTER (ignoring Hudson completely)
: Now, gargoyles may look reptillian, but they're warm blooded, like mammals, and the males can usually grow facial hair when they get old enough.
*Hudson tries to shoo Crochunter away, but he doesn't react*
*Crochunter suddenly grabs Hudson's head and twists it sharply*
CROCHUNTER: Ooh, look! This bloke's got a great scar here!
HUDSON: Get offa me!
CROCHUNTER: Gargoyles don't usually fight amongst themselves, but they can sometimes get aggresive in defending their territory. They're really tough though, and they heal real quick-like.
HUDSON: Fer yuir sake, ah hope you
*Crochunter releases Hudson's head and grabs at his waist*
HUDSON: HEY now!
CROCHUNTER: Crikey! Look 'ere! Gargoyles are intelligent; they're tool users, and this one's got a beautiful sword here!
HUDSON: Let go ah that!
CROCHUNTER: And here, this gargoyle's actually wearing clothing.
*plucks at Hudson's tunic, leggings, armour, etc.*
HUDSON: Stop tha' ye pervert!
CROCHUNTER: They don't need it in the wild, of course, but they tend to adopt it whenever they're around humans.
HUDSON: I said (*eyes flare*
) STOP THAT!!!
*Hudson wrestles free his sword, and swings it at Crochunter's head. It connects solidly, and Crochunter is slightly scratched, but otherwise undamaged*
CROCHUNTER: Whoa! He's gettin' really riled up now!
*he grabs Hudson's face and turns his head into the camera*
CROCHUNTER: Here, look at these eyes. Gargoyles are nocturnal, but you'll see they don't have large eyes, like most night-time hunters.
: Mmt gm mm mmph!
CROCHUNTER: Well, they compensate for that with this glow. It's not just reflection, like in a cat's eyes, this is actual bio-luminescence built right into their eyes.
*Hudson claws ineffectually at Crochunter's arm, not breaking the skin*
CROCHUNTER: Gargoyles have great
night-vision, but when they get stressed or excited, their eyes light up like this so that they can see even better. You can always tell a male gargoyle because his eyes glow white, like this, but a female
gargoyle has red
*Crochunter releases Hudson's head again, and grabs a wing*
CROCHUNTER: Now, see these big wings? They're actually modified hands, like a bat's wings, but these gargoyles don't fly. No, they don't have the musculature to really flap these big wings o' theirs, so instead, they glide
HUDSON: Ah'm gonna flap you
, you --AH!!
*Crochunter stretches Hudson's wing out painfully*
CROCHUNTER: Now, not all gargoyles have the same bone structure in their wings; some have fingers, like this bloke, others only have a single long digit at the edge, like on a dinosaur, and others even have webbed
wings, like a flying squirrel.
*Hudson whips his tail toward the Crochunter, doing no damage*
CROCHUNTER: Oh! See that tail, there? All gargoyles have a long, muscular tail. Their tails are prehensile, so they can even use them to pick things up, like an elephant can with its trunk.
*Hudson wraps his tail around Crochunter's legs, to try to trip him, but it doesn't work*
CROCHUNTER: Now, gargoyles have a lot of variability, more than humans, or any other animals; they each look completely unique. Different skin colour, different skull structure, everything.
*Hudson again slashes Crochunter, and his sword breaks*
CROCHUNTER: Ooh, look! It's sunrise!
CROCHUNTER: Here's where we get to see something ~really~ special, folks!
*Hudson tries to flee, but Crochunter holds him back*
CROCHUNTER: Gargoyles actually turn to stone
during the day! Nobody's quite sure how this works, but we think it has to do with a gargoyle's dead skin cells crystalizing when sunlight hits 'em. It's not just sunlight though, since they even turn to stone when they're inside and can't see
HUDSON: Let me go! Ye grraaaaaghhh!!!
*turns to stone with a look of confusion and rage on his face*
CROCHUNTER: And there you have it, folks. We may as well just leave 'im here, and when the sun rises, he'll be right as rain. We were really lucky to see such a rare creature. . .
*As Crochunter wanders off, Hudson slowly falls over with a clunk*
"Hraaaah!" Hudson roared with a little more panic in his voice than was usual when he awoke. For a moment, the familiar lines of the castle blurred around him, and he stumbled. Recovering himself, he looked around to make sure no one had noticed
Goliath had. "Hudson? Are you alright, old friend?"
"Aye." He grumbled. "Just. . . dreaming." For a moment he looked pensive. "Strange dreams." He shook his head slightly to clear it. "I think I'll join ye on patrol tonight lad, if ye don't mind."
"Not at all," the leader responded, still curious. "Nothing on tonight?"
"Eh? No, no." Hudson's respons was just a little too quick. "I think I've had enough TV for a while, lad."