Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: The Swamp
The Realm of King Brian (Funny)(ish)
Ok everybody, Here is part of the new story I am writing. If you think its a bit strange dont worry, it gets better.
. The Realm of
. King Brian
Hundreds of years ago, in the days of Ye Olde, there was a man, a man who called himself King Brian. This was odd, considering that he didn't own anything but a small house and the clothes on his back, let alone a country. He didn’t wear a crown as such, although he swore that it was there. He had a long dark red cape, that had some symbolic meaning, but I’ve forgotten what it is. Most importantly in King Brian’s life were his royal subjects. This is the story of how he befriended his…err….friends.
There was a horrible storm about the realm of King Brian, but this wasn't surprising considering the time of year. It was Tuesday, Tuesday the 18th of a month near march, they didn’t have calendars in those days so the months were forgotten, how they managed to remember the day of the month is beyond me. Brian sat in the corner of his kitchen, waiting, for a knock at the door. He rocked back and fore curled up in the corner. Suddenly there was a knock, Brian’s eyes lit up as he stared at the front door. He crept slowly towards the door until he was right underneath it. The sound of thunder made the ground shudder. The roof was thuding because of the hammering rain. The knocking continued. Brian put his hand on the door handle and swung it open. *Thwack*, Brian had knocked the stranger out cold with a spatula.
Brian, realizing his mistake, lay the person on his kitchen table, after removing and hiding his shoes of course. He began to make his favorite dish, ‘Sost Pie’. The Stranger awoke, to the pleasant smell of boiling sost. “hmmm, that smells good, what is it?” he asked.
“Its Sost Pie. Would you mind telling me who you are?”
“Oh sorry, I’m David. You’ve probably seen me round, I used to be a Dunce, but I’ve been demoted to village idiot. How did I get here”
“I’m sorry, I thought you were the terrible black bunny, so I thwacked you on the head with a spatula, as it said earlier on in the chapter. Well, now that you’re here I must ask you. Will you join me on my quest?”
“Quest, quest for what?, it better not involve shoe making elves, I had a hell of a hard time trying to get rid of the ones at my house.” The village idiot seemed horrified by images of the past, Brian could see it in his eyes as he ducked and jumped over, well, over nothing really. “Good news, no shoe making elves at all. Instead we have to go on a quest, I’m not sure what for but a quest is required for a person of my status.”
“Okay??? So, what exactly is your name.” the village asked after realizing he still didn’t know. “I am King Brian” Brian replied most dignifiedly.
“Ok, that’s cool I guess. So where’s your crown, and are you sure dignifiedly is a real word”
“My crown!... oh that, its here,” Brian pointed into the clump of untidy hair on his head. “Now then David, kneel down,” David went onto one knee and lowered his head. “I dub thee, Sir Village Idiot, of the realm of king Brian.”
With the very small post-knighting party finished King Brian and his very loyal subject, The Village Idiot (his official name, not just a title), simultaneously knocked each other out at the same time, with spatulas of course.
Begin Theme Music
And so, the realm of King Brian gained a new...umm...guy, boosting the population to a new all time high of two people. Late Wednesday morning, King Brian rushed into the hallway and woke up The village idiot, “WAKE UP!!!!!, the sost pie’s done.”
“great, lets see it” The village idiot said in a monotone. Brian was jumping about with excitement and The village idiot, still struggling to wake up, forced himself into the kitchen using the walls to lean on. There was a large, red plastic bowl next to the sink with a large, red plastic spoon in it. The village idiot burst into life when he smelt the pie, he rushed over to the bowl and peered in. “Its Empty!!!”
“No its not look” King Brian scooped out the pie, the thing was, he wasn't actually scooping out anything, “Eat up, we’ve got a long day ahead of us.” David was mortified, “What have I got myself into. Mother is never going to believe this.”
Later on in the morning, the king, full up from breakfast, got ready for the upcoming adventure. The village idiot followed him round, to find more evidence of his insanity. King Brian entered his bedroom, and opened a secret cupboard, disguised as a wardrobe. The door opened, revealing a vast amount of gold, The village idiot fell into the room. Brian nearly had a heart attack, “Ah!, oh you’re there, I thought you were in here” He said as he pointed into the secret room, still gasping for air.
The two friends left the house, fully equipped with swords and gold, and headed off to the local tavern, ‘ The Strange Smudge’. The tavern wasn't actually called the Strange Smudge, but the end of the previous title was rubbed off by vandals, they were caught before they finished so ‘The Strange’ and a large smudge was left. Nobody seemed to care enough to change it back.
King Brian entered the gloomy, dark, damp, musty, welcoming atmosphere of the tavern. “Smithy….Smithy!”, King Brian called looking at the man behind the bar.
“I’m a Bartender, not a blacksmith you idiot”
“Fix me and my friend up a drink Smithy, how about an orange juice” Brian asked most politely. “Sure, here’s one orange juice” said the bartender handing the drink to The village idiot. The bartender looked at Brian as if he was plotting something. There was a zipping noise, followed by a trickling noise, and that was followed by a relieving noise from the bartender, which was then followed by another zipping noise. A large glass full of a yellow substance was handed to Brian. “Hey, I asked for orange juice”
“Oh, yeah, about that….we’re all out of orange juice so I fixed you up a….err... yellow juice”
“Thanks Smithy, that’s ok I guess” said the king as he handed three pieces of gold to the bartender. The village idiot spoke for the first time in hours, “ My King, there is a strange looking man over there, I think he might prove useful to the cause”
“Very well my loyal subject, we shall see if he is interested,” the two men walked into the dark corner where the strange looking man was sitting, staring wide-eyed at the flames from the torch on the stone wall. “Hello there good...err…hello.” The strange man looked up at King Brian, “ah, King Brian, long have I waited for you to enter this humble place, I was going to look for you but I figured, meh, I’ll just get drunk”
“Who are you, strange looking man, and how did you know my name”
“I am a shrubber, My name is Jason the Shrubber, and Yes, I would like to join you on you’re quest”
“A shrubber you say, that explains a lot. Would you like to join me and The village Idiot on a quest. Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention.” Jason the Shrubber stood up from his seat and kneeled on one knee. “ I dub thee, Sir Jason The Shrubber”. With that said they made a toast to the ever growing population of the Realm of king Brian. The village idiot downed his drink, then Jason did, finaly King Brian downed his. “Hmmm,” there was a pause as the King tried to identify the taste, “It’s a bit bitter”
Lets Get On With the Story
I think we’ll leave King Brian to do his thing while I explain the bad guys. One of the bad guys was deep in his large, dark castle, in Cardiff, the Castle Lactose. From the outside the castle seemed, well, evil, probably because of the scary jester that sits outside. Despite this, on the inside it was quite a homely place, but still full of evil, for what lies inside is evil in its third purest form.
Ok thats it so far, if the paragraphs dont show up I apologise.
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