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Old 02-12-2003, 09:56 PM   #1
whitedragon
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un named story

ok in my free time ive been makeing a fantasy story and i got afew parts but they seem kindof rushed to me if anyone could give me their opinion and if they could lend a hand to help me it would help me alot (dont expect the next best seller)

snow was falling on the ground peacefully that day. indeed everything was peaceful. it was the calm before the storm and storm it did. my life was destroyed on that day when he came with the evil following him close behind. everyone i knew was eather killed or eaten. my wife and child were taken away, what happened to them i do not dare to think. i wandered being one of two survivors, the other died only an hour after the attack. i wandered long through snow and rain, mountian and wood and today i still wander. i am healed in body but not in heart or in mind. i am truely dead on the inside. i have nothing to live for but everything to fight for, i am fighting to find that man and his minions and take revenge. i am fighting to make sure this dose not happen again.

john walked through the woods as fast an he could because he smelled smoke. untill he saw a village on fire and many gobblins and evil men burning and killing "a battle?" he thought and then he saw the woman and children "no a massacure" john ran down the hill and got out his bow and arrows with steel arrow heads. he killed a gobblin who was just about to bring his sword down on a child, the arrow went so powerfully fast that i severd the gobblins head. he drew his sword and ran faster through the village. his sword blade glowed blue as he ran into the village ,it was indeed a magic sword. he saw many gobblins and men killing others. john ran into them and with one swipe of his sword he killed two. a man ran at him swinging an ax john blocked it with his sword in one hand and with the other hand he broke the mans neck. the others ran at him and john blocked the first mans attack and then bending down he stabed the next one, he then took his sword and hit the ground with it. it made a very large tremor, the other attackers were knocked off their feet and flew backwards quite a few yards. the blue on johns sword blade dimed a little, the survivors of johns attack ran away as fast as they could. john ran as fast as he could through the other parts of the village killing as he went. he stoped when he saw a dwarf fighting the gobblins and men. he was a short stockey dwarf wealding a very large double bladed ax. he was an excellant fighter and he fought with the utmost strength. all the gobblins and men were dead within a few seconds. then the dwarf ran at john and brought his ax down upon johns head. john dodged, put his sword away and kneeled as a tolken of peace. "please. i am not here to harm anyone" john said "then what are ye here for" said the dwarf "i was walking by and i saw this place ablaze so i came to help." "if what ye say is true then come and help me stop the others" "i have already stoped them" john said. "ye must be jokein. there be at least 20 men who attacked this place. no man could have taken out that many" "well i am no ordinary man but what is a dwarf doing away from the mountians in a humans village" "i be sent here by me people to ivestigate desterbances around here." "what do you mean" "it be a strange time human. many of me people who have come to trade with the villages and towns near here have come back wounded or not come back at all. the mountians be teaming with gobblins and orcs and other devilish things." " yes dwarf it is a strage time indeed. i know of the evil that has come onto this land and it is more serious than you think. i am going to hard stone castle to warn the king of this evil. it is comeing soon very soon. will you come" "yes i be eager to learn of this to report it to me lord. what be your name human" "john. and yours" "nim. come john let us go" they set off leaveing the burned town behind them.

the castle looked grim and old. if it were a person it mite be a bent old man who had been in too many fights when he was young. the guards looked scared as if something bad was happening in the castle. the man and dwarf went through with little trouble. the people inside ran into their homes when nim and john went by. they went up to the castle gates and were stoped by a guard. "i must ask you to leave your wepons with me." he said. the two gave up their wepons without much struggle. "now what are you here for" the guard said "we are here to see your king" nim said. "the king is not in any mood for visitors." "well he had better make it because this is of the utmost importance" john said. the guard looked upon the two and saw that they did not mean any harm so he let them go in "i must warn you to watch what you say" the guard said. they were led into a dark hall and then led through a great hall then through that to a thrown room where a king with very long white hair sat. in the corner a woman with snow white hair had he face to the wall, she looked very sick and very tierd. the king was on his thrown in the far end of the room he looked like a man who was just about to give up on life. "king thaor i have come to bring you aid" john said. the king made a little chuckel "aid? two people. a man and a dwarf. i would hardly call that aid" thaor said "what has happend here" nim said. the king started to cry. "they are here. they have infected my castle like a plague. we had no warning" at that the woman in the corner began to laugh. "what are you laughing at old crow!" a guard snaped. she turned around and they all saw that she was very pail and her eyes had no pupils. "shes a damn witch." nim yelled. "why am i laughing" she mocked "well because we have almost fufilled our mission. this pitiful fortress is almost destroyed and we shall feast upon you all" "get my sword" john yelled. the guards quickly threw john his sword and nim his ax. the witch chanted some unknown language and suddenly a fog appeared. the fog then went into one spot and then our of the fog jumped a demon spider. "why did it have to be a spider" john said. he drew his sword and charged. the blade cut right through the spider and cut it in half. the witch then summoned a large winged demon. nim charged at that and buryed his ax in the monsters head. "is that all you have" nim said. she laughed and then she started to deform and turn into a giant humanoid demon with 4 arms with giant footlong claws on each of them, though her face remained the same. she put out her hand palm out and a blast of fire shot out. john and nim dodged out of the way just in timebut the 3 guards behind them dident react in time and they were melted alive. "you bitch" nim said. "nim take the right" john said. they both ran at the same time and brought their wepons down upon her but they stoped dead in the air, as if a wall was put before them. a black barrier was shown as their wepons colided with it. they hoverd in the air for a little while and then were thrown back onto the floor. they both got up and tryed again but they got the same results. she threw her clawed hand out palm out at john but this time nothing happend. john stood unharmed for a minut but then he fell to the ground and coughed up blood. "your dead witch" one of the guards said. and the rest charged at her. "stop you fools!" the king yelled a he got off his thrown and walked down to the guards. "throwing you lifes away on a hopeless battle is stupid." the monster picked up john by the collar of his shirt. "you want to save him" the monster cackeld "come and try" the king slowly walked up to the monster without fear, then suddenly he ran toward johns sword, picked it up and threw it at john. john caught it and smiled as he thrust it into the monsters head. the monster droped john and fell. it desolved into smoke and then dissappeard. "im beginning to like ye" nim said with a laugh "the feelings mutual" john said. john sheethed his sword and went over to the king. "i thank you thaor king. you are not as old as you look." "age is just a number, yet i indeed look it so because of these evil days. why are you here" "i was here to tell you of the black tide that is comming. it is not safe here." "it has never been safe here but i have not given up my fight" "ye must leave here king" nim said "where would we go master dwarf. who would help us." nim seemed to consetrate on this thought for awhile. "i may be oversteping me boundrys on this matter but i have a kind and just lord. i am sure he would welcome ye." the king looked as if he would cry again but he quickly turned away "tell all the citizens to pack what they need and get ready to depart from here" he said to a guard. thaor then turned to the man and dwarf "tell me you names nobel warriors" "i am nim son of rhane, chief guard of the royal lord slier" john paused awhile and then said "i am john and only a traveling swordsman" "well then nim and john you are both forever in my debt. will you both be comeing with us." nim and john looked at eachother. "no thaor king we shall not." "i am sad to see you go. if ever we shall meet again then you both shall be praised throughout my kingdom."
when they said good bye to hard stone castle nim and john decided to travle together to investigate the cause of all the chaos. they first went to the blue forest which got its name by the trees, they had a substance on them that made them have a faint blue tent on them when the moon was out. there they would find more than they expected

"where are we going" nim asked john after the fith day they were in the forests. "well im actually looking for a way out of this accursed forest" "so we be lost" "well if you look at it in...ok yeah were lost" "lost in a damn forest with no settlements for miles around. this be just great" "well would you like to lead" "a dwarf lead someone out of a forest. wed have a better time trying to break a mountian with a toothpick" "well at least you dont let your pride get in the way." "i learned a hundred years ago that me pride dosent get me anywhere" "not a very common trate between dwarves or any race to be exact." "except nomes" they both said at the same time "yes indeed nomes have never paid attention to..." nim suddenly stoped and started to look around "were being watched" he said in a wisper. suddenly several arrows came toward them. the two of them dodged and ran through the trees dodgeing the missels that wizzed through the air toward them. out of nowhere a groupe of figures fell out of the trees infront them pointing their arrows at john and nims face. "rotten elves" nim growled. what looked like the leader of the attackers came forward holding a ornate simitar "hold your toung dwarf, or louse it!" he yelled. nim clenched his hand around his ax handle and everything would have gone ill if john hadent jumped between them "no friend nim. this elf is not worth dieing over." he then turned toward the leader. "who are you and why do you randomly attack two travelers minding their own business" the leader turned his sword toward john "well human my name isent importent enough right now. what is importent is why are you trespassing in the blue kings domain. humans and dwarves are not welcome here any longer." "why dont that supprise me" nim said to himself. the leader ignored nim with great effort. "john is my name and this dwarf is nim, the chief guard of the king of dwarves. we have come here to just pass through this forrest to the other side. we harbor no ill will to your king or his people. will you aid me or thwart me...choose swiftly." the leader lowered his sword "indeed these are strange times if man and dwarf travel far from their home to any forest...i will take you to my king and i shall trust his judgement on what to do with you." "great..just great" nim said "your luckey i dont shoot you now dwarf!" "ide love to see ye try."

the journey to the elven city was not a pleasent one. the dwarf was hurling insults at the elves and the elves hurled them right back, they almost came to blows several times. when they finnally got to the city john let go a sigh of relief and almost dident take in the elegance of the elven city. it was a place that many humans would give their right hand to live in. it had many buildings set up high in the trees and many down below, glowing blue and white with great intencity, everyone and everything seemed to glow blue as the trees around them. nim looked upon this as though he was impressed but then he quickly hardend his face so he could concentrate on what he was doing. they went to the highest building in the trees, it was more of a platform with a giant tabel in the middle, there sat the king and many elven elders. the king was adorned in a blue roab and a blue crown with saphires in it. "greetings" the king said. john, nim and the rest of the elves bowed. "what do we have here. a man and a dwarf far from any settlement of their race, and traveling through my country without my leave. why are you here" "They say that they are traveling through the forest and not wanting to get into the affairs of elves" the leader said. "well its a bit late for that isent it." he stared at them for a long while looking into their eyes as if looking for something they were hideing. a smile appeared on the kings face. "let them free they mean no harm." the elves backed away from the two. "aldeon. take them to the western borders of the forest and set them free" he said to the leader

"well that was certianly an eventful trip" nim said to john "just be glad we made it out of there without half the city turning on us" john said "would you two be quiet." aldon said "why whats wrong" john asked. "the woods are not safe anymore. there are bands of orcs comming through here at their leave choping down any tree they wish even if it is out of their way. we would like to deal with them but we are not even sure how many they have and we do not have many warriors in our fair forest." "and it be a great thing ye dident try or all of your warriors would be dead and your city would be taken." nim said "what do you mean." aldon asked with curiousity "well it be a simple military tactic them orcs came up with a long time ago. if you are attacking an elf city or any person camped in a wood ye mock em, you cut down trees, you make noise, you kill one of their soldgers, untill the ones in the woods are so fed up with ye that they attack but they dont know that they are falling into a trap. the annoyence tactic we dwarves like to call it." "of corce! why dident i see it before" aldon said with a loud frustated grunt "but how do you know of this master dwarf" one of the other elven archers said "well i was taught it. the orcs used it quite abit during the war of fallen trees" nim said "the war of the failed systematic slaughter of the high elves. i have heard of it" john said "how could i be so stupid" aldon said. "aye dont beat yerself up lad. i bet me ax that it would be hard to tell if you were the one bein attacked" nim said with a smile "thank you master dwarf that comforts me" aldon said returning the smile "well we cannot get to the western boarders now if we are going into a trap" said another elf. "what will we do" "i have a plan" john said with a smile

aldon ran as fast as he could to avoid the orc arrows that were flying meer inches away from his face "help me!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. aldon stumbled and fell, the orc captain smerked as he brought his orc sword down on aldons head but it never hit because the arrows from the other elves tore through the orcs. john and nim ran out with sword and ax, aldon joined them with his simitar. both elf and dwar were extreamly impressed at how well eachother fought. nim jumped out upon the orcs. he cut the first ones head off and then rammed his ax into the next ones stomach. he threw his ax at one about to kill an elf then he took out two hatchets and began to fight with such passion and power that could only be found in a dwarf. aldon fought with a great speed, the first orc that charged at him found himself impailed by aldons simitar aldon then cut the throte of the next one. they indeed were great warriors and mabey some of the best of their kind. when the fight was over all orcs and one elf lay dead. "he is to be commended" aldon said. "and so shall both of you" he said turning toward john and nim. "come. we must return to the king"


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Old 02-13-2003, 04:17 PM   #2
Lost Welshman
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I haven't read the story yet but good luck with it, oh and watch out for Shadow Templar, I did the same thing as you, its in the forum somewhere, and Shadow came up with a list of about 50 things wrong with it. I changed them though and It did make the story better. By the way, after youve read this story, check out my second one, its funny. If that advertisement is not allowed ill edit.


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Old 02-14-2003, 06:13 AM   #3
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Originally posted by Lost Welshman
I haven't read the story yet but good luck with it, oh and watch out for Shadow Templar, I did the same thing as you, its in the forum somewhere, and Shadow came up with a list of about 50 things wrong with it. I changed them though and It did make the story better. By the way, after youve read this story, check out my second one, its funny. If that advertisement is not allowed ill edit.
He, he. I like recieving constructive criticism myself... That way I learn new things. So I give it to others too. I have only read the first 20 lines or so, but I can already say two things: Paragraphs and capital letters. They are your friends, invite them over... They make the text alot easier to read.

And I think that you set a great mood in the italized paragraph, but you kinda blow it in the nonitalized part (oh, and how can he know that the men are evil? Why tell the reader, instead of letting him figuring it out for himself? And where did he get his magical sword?).

Don't get me wrong, I look forward to reading the rest of it, and I hope that I haven't put you off writing.

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Old 02-14-2003, 07:15 AM   #4
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Originally posted by ShadowTemplar
He, he. I like recieving constructive criticism myself... That way I learn new things. So I give it to others too. I have only read the first 20 lines or so, but I can already say two things: Paragraphs and capital letters. They are your friends, invite them over... They make the text alot easier to read.

And I think that you set a great mood in the italized paragraph, but you kinda blow it in the nonitalized part (oh, and how can he know that the men are evil? Why tell the reader, instead of letting him figuring it out for himself? And where did he get his magical sword?).

Don't get me wrong, I look forward to reading the rest of it, and I hope that I haven't put you off writing.
well i like to not put in those little details at first but i do put them in. i guess i kinda rushed it on the attack on the village. and i explane more about his sword soon.

and please insult my story as much as you can so that i can make it better. thanks


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Old 02-14-2003, 12:41 PM   #5
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Originally posted by whitedragon
and please insult my story as much as you can so that i can make it better. thanks
I was not trying to insult your story... (Did I miss some irony?)

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Old 02-14-2003, 02:33 PM   #6
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Ive read the start and It's pretty good, If you like fantasy storys check out my one for some ideas. Its in this forum somewhere. I liked the intro but the village bit was a little confusing, and although it was good, I didnt feel that John was the 'Im going to Kick your ass' and then do it, type of guy.


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Old 02-14-2003, 05:12 PM   #7
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Originally posted by ShadowTemplar
I was not trying to insult your story... (Did I miss some irony?)
yes you did


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Old 02-15-2003, 03:15 PM   #8
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the castle looked grim and old. if it were a person it mite be a bent old man who had been in too many fights when he was young.
No offence, but I think you went a bit to far with the imagery, this makes me laugh, and that makes me forget about the grimness of the castle.

also, I think your intro is pretty good, but It doesn't really let us get to know the character, Ill explain later but I have to go now.


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