Before his first mass, a new priest asked the monsignor for advice on how to deal with his anxiety. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:[list=1][*]Sip
the Vodka, don't gulp.[*]There are 10
Commandments, not 12.[*]There are 12
disciples, not 10.[*]Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.[*]Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.[*]We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.[*]The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.[*]David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.[*]When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.[*]We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.[*]When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"
, He did not say, "Eat me"
![*]The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
[*]The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
[*]Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pully contest at St. Taffy's.[*]Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples as "J.C. and the boys."
"Christian blood! I need Christian blood!"
[This message has been edited by brief (edited August 17, 2001).]