lfnetwork.com mark read register faq members calendar

Thread: STAR WARS The Jedi Order
Thread Tools Display Modes
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Old 06-20-2006, 02:57 PM   #41
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Chapter 7 The Mystery

Grivis moved trough the hall on Korriban. He had found a boulder with blood on it. He felt a disturbance, soothing he had felt on Skylerc. He ducked just as a saber went over his head. “Hello jedi, I’m going to kill you this time” said the sith. Grivis flipped up cutting the sith’s hand. “One thing, I’m not a jedi anymore I’m a sith” said Darth Grivis. He stabbed him. He continued down the hall till he reached a tomb. “Welcome Grivis” said a voice. “Stander” Grivis replied. Pushing him out a crack then sealed it. “What the hell” Grivis saw the scroll.

Maul moved down the hall of the jedi temple on Dantooine. “SITH” yelled a voice. A jedi ran to Maul then stopped. “Maul” said Obi-wan said in surprise. Maul sung his saber at Kenobi. Missing barley. There sabers clashed so hard Obi-wan staggered. Maul pushed him and jumped through a hole that led to his ship. He looked back at Kenobi feeling revenge. He flew off to Skylerc.

Nilin felt that Maul had failed but Grivis had seceded.

Grivis yelled to Vox and Zan telling them that they must leave. “Why” Vox asked? “Because, Grivis replied Mission complete” he said reading the scroll: To all you wonder how we returned a sith named Darth Shadow had found a midichlorian star. When he touched it he was disengaged, but he rescued us. The rest was burned but it was enough thought Grivis. They flew off to Skylerc. (i was going to end the chap here but I wanted action.)

They flew over Mygeeto when a ion cannon shot there wing forcing them to the ground.
They jumped up and landed on the ground as the ship blew up. A jedi slashed at Grivis as he flipped up and stabbed the jedi. Vox removed one’s head and Zan cut one in half. Vox and Zan were pushed into a fly-pod (escape-pod but instead of going to planet it leaves a planet and goes to another.). It left set to Skylerc. A jedi pushed Grivis as he stabbed another jedi, the jedi put cuffs on Grivis and through him into a brig.

Stay tuned for Chapter 8 The escape

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-20-2006, 04:38 PM   #42
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
One thing I must say is, well done! You've improved in your grammar and punctuation (Though there is still some room for improvement). Keep it up!

Also good Chapter.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-20-2006, 04:46 PM   #43
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
thanks pottsie

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-21-2006, 11:32 AM   #44
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
next chap is going to have action

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-21-2006, 09:30 PM   #45
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Chapter 8 The Escape

When Grivis awoke the first thing he felt was the pain. He had been hit on the head by a stone from the roof. Then the roof collapsed, sending stones everywhere. Above the roof were a shield and an elevator. He started moving down. Through the shield door he noticed tons of jedi. Then the lift stopped at the very bottom. The door deactivated.
He walked out noticing a dead jedi with keys. He used the force to pull the keys to him.
“Hello Grivis said a jedi. As you think, we are not jedi some of us our ex-jedi and some ex-sith. We our known as the Cruins. I am the leader of the Cruins, Tyler Frye”. “Nice to meet you” replied Grivis as he finally unlocked the cuffs. He jumped up using the force to pull his saber from Tyler’s cloak. Tyler jumped back activating a saber Grivis had never seen. “You are trained in the ways of the x-saber as I am trained the ways of the Y-saber. (Like an x-saber but they hold it up like a normal saber and it only has 2 sabers on the top,>== held up.) Grivis shrugged, no mater I’ll kill him anyway he thought. He jumped up, flipping to Tyler. Tyler attacked from the side, but Grivis ducked. Grivis moved back, and then charged. He slashed, making a saber lock. Grivis grinned as he tripped Tyler with his foot. He flicked his saber then stabbed Tyler.

Suddenly the blast doors opened and thousands of Cruins surrounded Grivis. He was pushed to the ground. Thinking hard Grivis made up a force move. He got up, using the force to open the ground so far it led to hell. Everyone fell except him. Then he sealed the ground back up. He went to hangar bay 526 to steal Tyler’s ship. Then he killed the passengers and flew to Skylerc. He pulled out Tyler’s Y-saber. “Lord Nilin, I have a gift for you as he made another one. He put a bomb in the new one. When it was activated it would blow up killing Nilin.

Tyler groaned in pain, he had been stabbed. He changed his name to his old sith name, Darth Nordis. Found his spare ship and flew after Grivis.

Name: Darth Nordis
Age:43
Weopon: Y-saber
Spices:Human
Home world:Corasant

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 01:37 AM   #46
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Good, however I still think the action is a bit fast.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 10:21 AM   #47
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
i know

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 10:31 AM   #48
Niner_777
[RC-1270]
 
Niner_777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Desert canyons of Praesitlyn
Posts: 1,491
I just got caught up. It's good. Keep writing and you'll keep getting better.



(^Click the pic to reveal my...) | Republic Commando: -]RC[-AjaX
BF2142: -]RC[-Auxidus | www.redcellgaming.com (I really need a userbar, eh. >.<)
Niner_777 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 12:40 PM   #49
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus.

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 01:11 PM   #50
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Quote:
Originally Posted by connor
okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus.
Up to you, but I'd say both. Both because Kreia did it with Sion and Nihilus.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-22-2006, 07:06 PM   #51
jedi_exile
Rookie
 
jedi_exile's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: arizona
Posts: 66
the story is great


jedi_exile is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-27-2006, 05:55 PM   #52
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
okay guys chap 9 tomorrow

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-28-2006, 02:50 PM   #53
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Chapter 9 The End of Nilin

Grivis entered the throne of Darth Nilin. “Hello Grivis, said Nilin without turning. You have completed your mission, so I will grant you with a harder challenge. I will give you 2 apprentices, Darth Arca and Darth Forus.” “Thank you master, I also have a gift to you.
He handed him the Y-saber. It is a saber made by a army of ex-jedi or sith. I killed most of them. Activate it” replied Grivis. “Very well” Nilin replied. He activated the saber. It blew up in his face, knocking him over. Then Grivis jumped up preparing the finishing move. Nilin flipped up kicking Grivis in the face. “You can’t win, Nilin” Grivis said as he moved to the left. Then he jumped right, still in the air he jumped forward landing behind Nilin. He turned kicking Nilin in the stomach then tripped him. “You lose Grivis started. Now I’m the emperor” he finished. He cut off Nilin’s head.

He left his new throne and went to the academy there he found his new apprentices.
“Hello my friends meet the emperor” Grivis said. “What about lord Nilin” asked Arca. “He has died” replied Grivis. As he said it part of the academy roof was destroyed and thousands of Cruins ran in, killing sith after sith. Grivis jumped up signaling Forus and Arca to follow. They ran to the command post. Grivis activated the communications as Arca and Forus killed Cruins. “This is Grivis the new emperor, Nilin has died. We our under attack I repeat we our under attack. I want Vox, Maul, and Zan at the command post now”. He shut it off, he felt Tyler was still alive.

A sith snuck to a ship, he had to escape to go to Skylerc to find his master. His name was Darth Strander. As he entered the ship he saw Vader. “Hello Strander, Vader said. I’m sorry your escape is ruined everyone is going to Dantooine to attack the jedi. Mission Failed for you” Vader said.

Stay tuned for the last chapter The War of the Dead

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-28-2006, 03:48 PM   #54
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Okay... The last Chapter is the next one? Well at least it was longer than The Sith Order. A good novel would be at least twenty Chapters... Oh well it's your Fic.

PS. Improved Grammar that could still use editing. And good Chapter.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-28-2006, 03:57 PM   #55
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
i know but TWOTD fic will be longer

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-30-2006, 03:43 PM   #56
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
Chapter 10 The War of the Dead

“Lord Vader, we have learned the jedi have left Dantooine and our headed to Skylerc” said a sith commander. “Then set course for Skylerc, to ambush them, now move” Vader replied.

“Our target is Tyler Frye, leader of the Cruins kill all in your way but bring him to me now attack” ordered Grivis. They moved out killing the Cruins, when thousands of jedi cruisers landed. Grivis jumped to one and quickly planted 5 det packs. He ran back blowing the ship up. Millions of jedi ran to the battlefield killing the sith. That’s when Grivis relied the jedi and the Cruins made a peace treaty, they were out numbered. “My lord, Lord Vader and the sith have arrived” said a sith. “Good” replied Grivis. As he removed a head of a jedi. The sith poured into the battle field killing Cruins and Jedi.
Grivis ran to Vader, noticing his bodyguards: Sion, Nilius, Malak, Raven, Strander, and Sidious. “The jedi our retreating, Attack” Vader told the army. Grivis left Vader, planning to corner Tyler. Then he was pushed into the air, he flipped and landed. Tyler stood red Y-saber in hand. “I’m no longer Tyler, I’m now Darth Nordis” he said. Grivis charged swinging his saber at Nordis’s head. Nordis blocked it, then tried to trip Grivis. Grivis jumped and kicked him in the face.

The battle continued, sith and jedi dying, the Cruins had gone to Yavin 5 to await the jedi. Luke had never seen such a battle. He told Kyle to retreat the jedi. He entered his ship, thinking the same Grivis will soon think- War had begun.

Grivis blocked Nordis’s attack as he sung at him. Nordis turned and jumped into a leaving jedi cruiser. Grivis left to his throne.

There he thought- the battle was over and The War of the Dead had begun.

The End
Okay i know this was confusing but it was kind of a opening for the 20 chapter The War of the Dead.

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-30-2006, 05:03 PM   #57
Diego Varen
Left and may not return
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,850
Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Well bringing back all the KOTOR Sith and Sidious (aka Palpatine) was strange and I have to agree that this is confusing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by connor
The End
Okay i know this was confusing but it was kind of a opening for the 20 chapter The War of the Dead.
What does this mean? Do you mean an opening of the 20th Chapter of The War of the Dead? Anyway, I'll wait for The War of the Dead to be started.
Diego Varen is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-30-2006, 05:05 PM   #58
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
i mean TWOTD will have 20 chapters

EDIT: twotd won't start for awile becouse im going on a trip i'll work on the storyline and use my aunts computer i might be able 2 do chap 1 before the trip though

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-30-2006, 08:04 PM   #59
Niner_777
[RC-1270]
 
Niner_777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Desert canyons of Praesitlyn
Posts: 1,491
I was a bit confusing, but I suppose that you meant it that way. Good fic.



(^Click the pic to reveal my...) | Republic Commando: -]RC[-AjaX
BF2142: -]RC[-Auxidus | www.redcellgaming.com (I really need a userbar, eh. >.<)
Niner_777 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 06-30-2006, 08:09 PM   #60
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
thanks niner,
every body
spoiler:
after this trilogy i'll probaley make a what if story about yoda turning to the dark side or someone else

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-01-2006, 09:47 AM   #61
Niner_777
[RC-1270]
 
Niner_777's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Desert canyons of Praesitlyn
Posts: 1,491
That would definitly be interesting.



(^Click the pic to reveal my...) | Republic Commando: -]RC[-AjaX
BF2142: -]RC[-Auxidus | www.redcellgaming.com (I really need a userbar, eh. >.<)
Niner_777 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Old 07-01-2006, 09:58 AM   #62
HK-42
HK47+Marvin=
 
HK-42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The Unknown Regions
Posts: 2,040
Current Game: AssassinsCreed,kotor
Hot Topic Starter 
yep, i got the idea by this:
click here

HK-42 is offline   you may: quote & reply,
Post a new thread. Add a reply to this thread. Indicate all threads in this forum as read. Subscribe to this forum. RSS feed: this forum RSS feed: all forums
Go Back   LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > STAR WARS The Jedi Order

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:29 AM.

LFNetwork, LLC ©2002-2011 - All rights reserved.
Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.